Today, I was told that I’m a “dynamic character.” I must have stared at the commentator for a bit too long, so of course, he felt compelled to explain to me what that term means and how it applies to me. Essentially, others perceive me as someone who is constantly evolving and adapting to the situations at hand, the people who surround me, etc. Though he presented this quality as a positive (or perhaps he was just expressing disbelief - “How is it that you never seem to remember your past to any greater extent than if you were to have watched it in a movie years ago?”), I wonder if it makes me nothing more than a flip-flopper. A John Kerry. Is it a good thing that my persona evolves over time and adapts to best fit where I am in life and the people that are going through it with me, or does it make me someone that people can’t get close to for fear that, maybe just a few months down the line, I’ll be hardly recognizable?
I have a curse. Others might not view it as such, but for me, it’s a damn terrible curse. See, after a guy and I break up, the next girl to come into his life ends up being “the one” (whatever the hell that means) - literally, 100% of the time. Every single one of my ex-boyfriends is on the marriage track with the first girl they got into a relationship with after breaking up with me (or, after I broke up with them), whereas I am frequenting Babeland and leaving my phone number for waiters that look like the poor man’s version of Adam Levine. I can’t figure out why this is, though I have narrowed it down to two options:
1) I am an amazing good luck charm, and I come into men’s lives to help guide them toward their one true love.
2) I am such a heinous, awful girlfriend that once guys free themselves from my grasp, the next girl, by default, is just so much more amazing that he feels so appreciative to have her and thus wants to spend the rest of his life with her (probably out of fear that he’ll end up dating someone else who will be like me).
Of course, I’m choosing to believe that option #1 is the explanation behind my “curse.” Although option #2 was probably true in one instance, the rest of these relationships were totally destroyed by the womanizing, self-involved shits I tend to date.
Either way, if you find yourself wanting to wife someone up, just come date me for about 2-3 months (that’s all it really takes), and I am 100% certain that you can then go out into the world and find your “soulmate.” I will take donations in the form of Chanel and diamonds in return for my services.
Word: Sacred Prostitute, noun, sa-cred pros-ti-tute
Definition: A Goddess who, as a profession, gives sexual blessings to her male clients to bring them closer to God and to help them evolve toward spiritual enlightenment. For purposes of this definition, the term “Goddess” shall refer to a woman who is blossoming in many qualities of spiritual enlightenment AND is intensely sexual.
No, Charlie Sheen did not write this during a cocaine and tiger’s blood-filled orgy. This, my friends, comes from the brilliant website titled “Finding My Goddess,” which is one man’s 13-page epic dating profile targeted toward those ladies who are likely to fall victim to a cult. The ridiculousness of this website earned it a great deal of attention when it was first posted in 2009, but its sheer absurdity has served to overshadow some A) valid points and B) truly terrifying points. In a nutshell, “Mark” is seeking a “Smart, Sexy, Spiritual Goddess…for Awesome Relationship with Extraordinary Man.” She must be “…HIGHLY intelligent, VERY beautiful/sexy, and DEEPLY spiritual.” Another requirement - she must be or must formerly have been a prostitute or, better yet, a sacred prostitute. Though Mark claims he is looking for a women with whom he can share an “awesome (but unconventional) marriage” and active sex life (he has very specific demands about appearance and appetite for sex), he is strangely fixated on finding a women who can tour the country with him and teach others that prostitution is a good thing, or as he puts it, “a very good thing that is greatly needed for the benefit of society.” He claims that, together, they will change the laws regarding prostitution while also teaching “average” prostitutes how to elevate themselves to the level of “sacred.”
Ok, so this guy is obviously a wack job. Read even half of his website, and you’ll be rolling on the floor with laughter. However, he makes a few important points in his diatribe related to female sexuality and the control of that by men, one of which I would like to share.
Condemning prostitution as immoral is an ancient deception designed to usurp feminine power at its essence. This deception has long been the master key to the oppression of women. Without the oppression of feminine power, evil men could not gain or maintain great power, and war would be impossible.
I think he is largely correct in this assertion (though I can’t seem to wrap my head around the last point about war). Prostitution is the world’s oldest “profession,” and some people would argue that a woman can survive hardship better than a man because of her ability to pursue this “profession.” Therefore, it can give women a type of power that men largely lack. However, by condemning prostitution and making it illegal, we take that power away from women and tell them that they can only pursue sex in the context of a “relationship,” wherein the encounter is likely driven by the man (and is undertaken without any cost to the man). Obviously, I am oversimplifying and glamorizing prostitution, but let’s at least assume for the sake of my argument that I am referring more to the high-end, regulated sex workers in Australia rather than drug-addicted street walkers.
Despite there being good points in the write-up, I can only guess that this man is a little bit full of shit and is more likely to turn a woman into his sex slave than a “sacred prostitute.” Not only does he seem overly focused on perfect looks, a perfectly clean home, a willingness to change her lifestyle for him, but he also encourages continued prostitution during their relationship (even their marriage!), and suggests that she explore bisexuality (of course, for noble reasons - “…so that, by my simultaneously worshipping multiple Goddesses, we can greatly intensify the power of our sexual magic, thereby accelerating the manifestation of our dreams to move the world.”)
As a side note, if this man picks you as his goddess, he will pay you $1,000/month - so all you NYU girls on SeekingArrangement should be hitting this guy up. Just make sure you speak English with “advanced fluency.”