"I wonder if we're gonna be able to get to the vulnerable state that we both need to be in..."
Last week, I took an inadvertent vacation from The Bachelor (not as exciting as any of their vacations, sadly) due to Time Warner Cable’s utter incompetence. However, it ended up being a blessing in disguise. With my job keeping me awake literally 24-hours a day, I didn’t need the added stress that is brought on by watching The Bachelor. This week, however, my workload has begun to lighten a bit, so I figured I might as well supplant my newfound shortage of work-related stress with Bachelor stress.
I did, actually, watch last week’s episode - or some of it - and I have to say that I am just shocked that Ben sent Kacie B. home. Sure, she acted totally crazy in her post-rejection, backseat interview (“What the fuck happened?!”), but she was still the prettiest contestant and the one who most genuinely cared for him. Yes, her family was unsure of the situation. But that was a good and very normal stance. Ben should have respected that. But, no, he kept Horsey, who literally said at one point last week, “Vulnerable - that’s such a big word for me!” And don’t even get me started on Courtney. If Ben wasn’t scared away by the fact that Khloe Kardashian is her sister - meaning that he and Courtney will likely have hilarious but utterly trollicious children together - then he’s far more idiotic than I gave him credit for previously.
So tonight, we’re down to our last three ladies. I love this episode, as the dates involve a trip to the “Fantasy Suite” - which is made even more entertaining by the nonsensical notion that the Bachelor has to give each woman an invitation to this suite. As if he won’t jump on the chance to take each woman back to his room (ha, pun). I have to imagine the producers had a big chuckle when they threw out that idea - they probably didn’t think it would actually get used on the show. It’s one of those situations where intelligent, snarky people make a joke that, sadly, the more “dense” folks around them, such as those who they cast on this show, take seriously.
I am incredibly thankful that this episode takes place in Switzerland, as I imagine the weather might be better for Ben’s hair than that in the tropical nations in which they’ve been spending their time up until now. But, no matter, Ben already ruined his image in the opening sequence with his stupid, jenky bow tie. At the end of the episode overview, we get a preview of the upcoming Bachelorette season. This dumb bitch. She must be the worst mother ever. She left her daughter once to “find love,” and now she’s leaving her again? This poor little girl is going to have the worst separation anxiety and fears of abandonment as she gets older.
In any case, back to the real show. It struck me that, at this point, I actually know all of these remaining girls’ names. But I like their nicknames better, so I’ll stick with those. Even though Lindzi with a “z” is so ridiculous that it practically nullifies the need for a nickname.
In his opening interview, Ben explains when he started falling for the girls:
1) Southern Alcoholic - On the date where she described not only the failure of her first marriage, but also, her mixed feelings about her ex and about marriage in general
2) Horsey - The hometown date, where Ben awkwardly attempted to ride a horse
3) Courtney - When she gave him genital lice fucked him
Ben also continues to describe Courtney as being “weird” and “nerdy.” Let’s not forget that this is the girl who (A) earns a living modeling and (B) is openly disdainful of people who are “book smart.” Ben is “worried” about the way Courtney may or may not treat the other women. Yeah right. There won’t be other women around to whine about her when his p is in her v, so I doubt he really cares. Well, unless shelets him act out his full teenage boy fantasies - then there might be some other girls around.
A commercial for The Titanic comes on. I can’t help but think this will be how Ben’s relationship works out if he chooses Courtney. Except, unlike Rose, she won’t even try to keep him from drowning. She’ll just hold his head under water and then keep the door to herself for survival.
Anyway, the first date is with Southern Alcoholic - and there’s a helicopter ride! I can’t even be upset about this anymore. I feel like I’m in an abusive relationship with the helicopter. I’m just so numb to its ways. Okay, I’m sorry, but does this girl not know how much more attractive she is than Ben? She could literally do so much better. And, honestly, this good ole Southern girl isn’t going to be happy with the nerdy, faux-hipster winemaker. She’s just looking to fill the gap that her failed marriage left and get some sort of reassurance that, even though she lost a husband, she can literally win a new one. She says she doesn’t just love Ben, but can also see a life with him. Come on, honey, all of us can imagine playing house. I’m pretty sure studies have proven that most women fantasize about getting married to a guy on their first date.
These conversations between Ben and Southern Alcoholic are getting too serious. I’m bored. Southern Alcoholic does make a funny comment, however, about how she can’t believe they were just in Sonoma and San Fran - that’s because it was, like, 3 weeks ago. Also, she says she doesn’t want to get too serious with him - to which he says, “Well, you already dropped the l-bomb.” So that should be reassuring. They start talking about kids. Blechk. Fast forward. As I did so, I found myself saying, “You’re stupid. You’re so stupid,” over and over again to the TV. This girl’s pathetic, head-over-heels behavior and open willingness to make innumerous compromises for Ben without asking for literally anything in return makes me embarrassed to be a woman. Ben says she exudes confidence, even though all she’s doing is trying to placate him in any way possible. Which means his comment is clearly in reference to her ginormous, shirt-escaping breasts.
I then fast forwarded through the hot tub scene. Where I found myself saying to the TV, “Stop talking! Just bone!” Southern Alcoholic never shuts up.
Okay, time for the date with Horsey! Her hair looks like shit. I’m sorry. Those highlights are just atrocious. It’s one color on top of a dark base. No variation. No highlights and lowlights. Just garish yellow stripes on dark brown hair. Sick. They are practically neon, especially in the sunlight. Oh, and their date involves something with heights and facing fears. Neat. I guess they couldn’t arrange jumping from a helicopter in straitjackets with ten-pound weights chained to their ankles on such short notice.
There are some sheep and a hot tub. Horsey keeps saying the word “vulnerable.” She clearly invested in a dictionary since last week (or, since yesterday, if we’re going by Bachelor time). Again, stop fucking talking and just hook up. Ben does not care about what you want to say. He doesn’t want to hear about your emotions. No guy does. Just give him a little handy. It’s so clear what exactly Ben is thinking about slash what he actually wants from Horsey given that he immediately starts talking about wanting to give her an invitation to the Fantasy Suite (in his voice-over, to be clear) - but he says he fears that they won’t reach the “vulnerable state” they need to in order to get there. Don’t worry, dolly, those horse tranquilizers you packed will probably be sufficient.
Time for dinner. Horsey looks like a 37-year-old hooker from Arkansas. Ben’s bow tie is just too much for me to put into words. I’d need another day or so to fully articulate how fucking awful and stupid he looks at this moment. Serious chats. Blah blah blah. Fast forward. Oh! She wants to give Ben “all of [her].” Annnnnd, Fantasy Suite invite! Cha-ching! God damn, the embarrassing admissions on this show make me wish this was filmed during Prohibition - giving these bitches alcohol is like bringing crack cocaine into Promises. Once in the hotel room, we get a quick shot of Ben mounting Horsey (god, I’m so full of puns tonight) and doing things to her. We also see her butt, which was strange for cable TV. Those horse tranquilizers must have worked better than Ben expected!
Finally, time for the third date - and it’s the Courtney show! She recaps last week’s mock wedding and vows. How that shit didn’t get her sent home, I’ll never know. Reminds me of Ashley on The Bachelorette last season. Didn’t Ben learn anything from watching that? I fast forwarded through the “intimate train ride” - has this guy never travelled via New Jersey Transit? Not so intimate. Ben and Courtney play “Hey cow!” Which is actually kind of cute. I don’t like that someone as demonic as Courtney gets invited to play a cute little game with cows. I wish they would have charged her.
Ben and Courtney have a serious and much needed talk about what a pernicious bitch Courtney is. Not even worth recapping. You could all have scripted it yourselves. Afterward, Courtney acts remorseful - but really, she just doesn’t want to lose. It’s like what Rhett Butler said to Scarlett O’Hara in Gone With the Wind: "You’re like the thief who isn’t the least bit sorry he stole but is terribly, terribly sorry he’s going to jail."
Courtney sucks up hard core at dinner, and we all know some literal sucking is going to follow. She plays the victim and talks so much that Ben has no room to get a word in - so he can’t challenge her or pose any difficult questions and is generally forced to just accept whatever bullshit she’s spoon-feeding him. She says she’d do things differently from the start if given the opportunity - but we all know that is just a crock of shit. Also, giving Ben an apology is meaningless - you have to apologize to the person or people you directly hurt, not to some third party. Her apologize is hollow and cowardly.
Fantasy suite time! There’s a hot tub made out of a barrel and some dry humping. Fast forward.
Ohmahgawd - preview for The Bachelorette. I own Emily’s trench coat! This will be the highlight of the episode for me - and I can’t even understand why that is. Bitch says that her daughter is her world, but I can’t imagine that’s true given that she’s left her for two extremely long periods of time just to hook up and go on dates.
Anyway. Back to The Bachelor. Ben is all happy and gleeful - especially after his night with Courtney - and he feels like he’s nearing a decision. But then, uh oh, drama!!! Of. Course. The Bachelor brings Kacie B. back to have a sit down with Ben. Or did she just do this of her own volition. Either way, I’m excited. I hope she’s coming to tell him she’s pregnant with his child. LOL. That would be too much drama, even for The Bachelor. I absolutely love that Ben is dressed in a denim-ish shirt and skinny tie - like a high school chemistry teacher - while just hanging out in his room. Kacie B. says she’s come all this way just for answers. Um, isn’t that what texting and email is for? Ben explains that they are just worlds apart - which is completely true of both Kacie B. and Southern Alcoholic. They will both be happy at the end of the day when they aren’t with Ben. He isn’t right for either of them. But it’s hard to see that through the veil of rejection. It isn’t heartbreak they’re dealing with. It’s the resulting loss of confidence and the self-doubt associated with a break-up. Kacie B. needs to not start trying to compromise the elements of herself and her life that made Ben send her home in the first place, but I know that’s what’s about to happen. It’s what girls do. It’s probably just generally what people do when they’re broken up with. I know. I’ve lived through it. Although I will say, part of growing up is realizing that you should never compromise (in a life-altering way, at least) for a relationship - because the right one won’t require that. Real love won’t force you to change yourself or your life dramatically just to “fit” with the other person. Kacie B. is just about my age, so I understand why she hasn’t figured this out yet, or at least begun to live by these truths.
Then, Kacie B. starts harping on Courtney. So, that’s maybe one way to play this. I mean, she has nothing to lose at this point - so why not. She pretends to be doing this for noble reasons, though she must know that Ben and everyone else can see right through that (she doesn’t even seem convinced that she’s saying this to “protect” Ben). Because I already know this conversation isn’t going to go in her favor and isn’t going to change the fact that Ben picks Courtney, I almost don’t need to watch this.
Finally, Ben kicks Kacie B. out. She collapses on the floor. Didn’t your mother ever teach you that you never lay on hotel floors? They are filthy. As are the remote controls, according to my boyfriend, who actually washes them before use - as I recently discovered.
Rose ceremony! So, so excited. Mostly because it means this dumb fucking show is almost done for the year - I don’t watch The Bachelorette. Ben whines to Chris about how confused he is after the arrival of Kacie B. He’s mostly upset because it’s forcing him to use a larger portion of his brain than normal in order to make a decision. And - what the fucking shit? How do you pick Horsey over Southern Alcoholic? Horsey has an IQ of roughly 97 and looks like she was ridden hard and put away wet - fitting, I suppose, given her nickname. I mean, none of these women are really “marriage material,” but at least Southern Alcoholic was attractive. Wow. Ben is going to feel really stupid once he watches the full season and realizes what a huge mistake he made with Courtney.
The end. Thank goodness I have a two week break until the finale. I’m excited that, instead of a helicopter, there’s going to be some kind of snow tram. And the ring Ben picked is insanely gorgeous. Super jelly. Maybe I could cope with his hair for that bad boy. Ha, just kidding. We’d have to have our marriage annulled due to failure to consummate. He’s gross.
Regularly, Time Warner Cable chooses not to record the shows I’ve asked it to, or it shuffles through an entire episode in a matter of minutes, or it records something I’ve never heard of (such as “I Just Want my Pants Back,” which has happened more than once). Today, it choose to record a marathon of the Jersey Shore instead of The Bachelor. I’m actually devastated. I have no outlet for my anger and snark. At least until it becomes available online or On Demand. Damn you to hell, Time Warner Cable! I hope everyone will come back in a few days for the recap.
There are few cities more deserving of the description “cosmopolitan” than New York (Manhattan, specifically). Why, wasn’t it Sex and the City, which was based here in Manhattan, that popularized the drink of that same name? In a nominal sense, the adjective “cosmopolitan” is meant to represent a person or place that has “…worldwide rather than limited or provincial scope or bearing” or “…wide international sophistication,” or is “composed of persons, constituents, or elements from all or many parts of the world.” Certainly, New York fits those descriptions. In my opinion, there is no other city in the U.S. where you can eat whatever you’ve ever craved, drink whatever has ever tickled your fancy, or do whatever you could have ever imagined doing (to be fair, I haven’t spent a great deal of time in Chicago or Los Angeles - to name just two competitors). New York can offer you every cuisine, every form of the arts and humanities, every professional sport, and much, much more. It may be lacking in the nature department – unless, of course, you find Central Park, the High Line, and other outdoor areas to be sufficient – but it provides easy access by plane, train, bus, or boat to many nearby areas that couldn’t feel less urban and yet are no more than an hour away.
However, the above may represent a superficial examination of how “cosmopolitan” New York truly is – one that a visitor or newcomer might make. Once you spend more time here in the city, you realize that it doesn’t actually offer everything for everyone and, frankly, isn’t always as “ahead of the curve” as one would expect it to be. I love living here, don’t get me wrong, and I very much appreciate all that New York has to offer, even when I am forced to “accept” many of its “quirks” (please read a friend’s hilarious description of the real estate scene, for example). Still though, there are moments where I just cannot understand why things are the way they are here. As such, I’d like to detail some of my “What the fuck, New York?” moments. This list is constantly growing and thus is by no means comprehensive, but I just felt it prudent to point out some of these things now as a way of (A) ranting and keeping myself from murdering someone when they happen and (B) letting others considering moving here know about some of the city’s drawbacks (not including the rodents, bed bugs, and general filthiness):
1) Why does it take 200 years for taxi receipts to print? The speed at which this rather pithy receipt is printed leads me to believe that inside of the “printer” is actually a tiny little elf pounding out letters on a miniature typewriter. Every time I have to ask for a receipt, I literally feel my anxiety level increase ten-fold.
2) Why doesn’t Seamless let me input my own tip amount on my order right down to the exact penny I’d like to give? This is not a New York-specific problem, but given that Seamless was founded and is headquarted here, I’ll make it one. Really, I don’t want to be forced to give someone $2.00 or $2.25. I want to be able to give $2.13, for example. When I use Seamless at work, this is a particularly annoying drawback. I often have to give the delivery man $0.25 less in tip to meet my $25.00 cut off when I’m actually only $0.02 over the limit.
3) Why is there no wireless internet access on the subway? I know the MTA is trying to roll this out, but really, I can’t understand how it’s taking so long. Most of the subways aren’t even that far underground. By the time they get WiFi access in the subways, the world will probably have moved on to some other internet connectivity technology, like tiny satellites implanted in our brains.
4) Why is the city becoming so stingy with taxi medallions? Once upon a time, I could get a taxi anywhere, anytime. Except maybe in the rain. Now, it can be 7:30pm on Friday in Murray Hill and I’ll be standing on the street corner looking like I’m hooking for a solid 10 minutes. Often times, I have to walk all the way to First Avenue in order to catch a taxi coming into the city from Queens.
5) Why can’t I find more “unhealthy” foods? Yes, I get it, everyone in New York has a mild to severe eating disorder. Stores practically don’t stock any sizes above a 6. I mean, really, New York is a great place to shop if you’re skinny because stores probably have extra stock in your size – as opposed to in other cities, where it’s a one-and-done king of deal in sizes 0-4. In any case, sometimes, I just want to buy a frozen pie. Or Hostess snack cakes. And if I want to do that, I more or less have to leave Manhattan and go to another borough.
6) Why can’t I drink before noon on Sundays? Sure, I’ll admit that New York’s liquor laws aren’t terrible (unless, of course, you compare them to the laws in my wonderful home state of Louisiana), but that puts many brunch-goers in an awkward position. If you want to have brunch at a real brunch time, let’s say 11:00 or 11:30, instead of at a hungover, half-the-day-is-already gone time, you’ll be at least halfway through your meal before you can get your mimosa (or, as I like to order, champagne with a splash of orange juice).
7) Why are there so many Irish bars? I just can’t understand why there aren’t more chill hang out spots or sports bars that don’t have a “Mc__” or “O’__” in the name. I know there was a pretty strong Irish immigrant presence in New York back in the day – but, in those times, the Irish neighborhoods were not centered around modern-day Midtown. So why is there a dearth of non-Irish bars around my home and office?
8) Why are there so few good, middle-of-the-road boutiques? I don’t get to go shopping as much as I would like, but from what shopping I have done, I’d have to say that there is an unacceptably large gap in price and quality in the spectrum of boutiques here. Of course, you have your extremely high-end designer stores – both mainstream and “up and coming.” Then, you have the cheesy boutiques that carry no-name clothing that’s barely a notch above Forever 21 quality. I need a boutique with a selection of brands like Yumi Kim, Parker, Equipment, mason by Michelle Mason, Milly, Rory Beca, and the like – somewhere that I can find cute going-out and date dresses/outfits that I won’t be bankrupted by or ashamed of in two months. Bloomingdales or the 5th Floor at Saks can usually do the trick, but those stores are just too big and make me feel overwhelmed (especially when perfume salespeople literally chase me down and spray crap on me).
Despite these gripes, I have no problem admitting how happy I am to be living in New York. I wholeheartedly believe that there is no better city in which one can learn to be a “real adult.” So, if I have to spend an extra 25 seconds in a cab or wait until 1:00pm to have brunch, well then that’s OK. Maybe not forever, but certainly for a while longer.
I actually hope that more people make the choice to put up with the oftentimes ridiculousness of Manhattan - the overpriced rent, the surly people, the hyper-trendy restaurant and bar scene - to reap the rewards of living here. So much so, in fact, that I hope my future daughter (if I’m so lucky) chooses to come here, too. And then I can crash on her couch, go shopping, eat delicious food, and so forth. Ha, who am I kidding. I’m staying at a hotel.
Welcome to Season 16, Episode 7! Are we halfway done yet? In the intro to tonight’s episode, I hear some variation of “I love Ben” three times. And then, of course, the other half of the intro is devoted to Courtney-bashing. Which is unsurprising given that 66.67% of the magazines I bought today had Ben and Courtney on the cover. Yes. I am now wasting time and money on this show. If anyone is a masochist, it’s not any of these girls - it’s me.
We begin the episode with the group traveling to Belize and providing their customary introductory interviews. Ben says that island life here is “slow,” which finally gives him time to think through what’s going on. I’m not sure if Ben is really that self-deprecating about his mental capabilities or if The Bachelor producers and editors have a similar sense of humor to mine. Kacie B. says she’s as in love with Ben as she possibly could be. After four weeks, give or take. So she is essentially disproving the theories about love growing over time that have been expounded upon by authors, poets, and lyricists for, well, ever. I am so thankful to see that there’s a cool breeze here in Belize. Hopefully this will ameliorate some of the issues with Ben’s hair and general appearance. Southern Alcoholic says that she really doesn’t need any additional time with Ben in order to tell him she loves him. Which isn’t actually an indicator of her feelings. More of her BAC. Nevertheless, she quickly starts crying and admits that her connection with Ben might not be any stronger than anyone else’s. Ah, the depressant effects of alcohol.
We break for commercial, and first up is an advertisement for Neil Lane bridal at Kay Jewelers. Doesn’t Kay know that this show only discourages people from marrying? Pick your target market better, sheesh.
Ben shows up for his first date with Horsey doing his best Ryan Gosling impression in a striped wifebeater. PhD, however, compares him to a piece of cheesecake in swim trunks. Call me crazy, but that does not sound appealing. I don’t particularly like cheesecake, but even if I did… In any case, date one starts off on a helicopter ride. Duh. I am actually furious by how repetitive and boring Ben’s dates are. And yet he has the gall to describe this date as “unique” and “special,” at which point I nearly threw my remote at the TV. The date involves jumping out of the helicopter into the “blue hole.”
(A) What would Freud have to say about this?
(B) Why doesn’t a single girl ever tell Ben, “No, I don’t want to do this and if this is your thing, then we’re probably not that compatible”?
Horsey literally says, “I could die any second, but like a relationship….” - this is not a good comparison. At all. Just stop. And Ben. Please, please stop trying to “overcome fears” with these girls. Stop saying, “If we can do this, we can do anything!” Stop taking so many helicopter rides. I am actively upset right now. The cosmetics commercial following this segment will likely be the best part of this two-hour-long block.
Horsey is “definitely falling in love with Ben.” Listen, I’m an advocate for loving people openly and not being so paranoid about telling someone you love them, particularly in a culture in which sex has become a meaningless commodity to most. In the case of this show, however, the speed at which these girls “fall in love” is absurd.
Back at the house, there’s a Courtney bitch fest. Girls, if y’all aren’t going to just murder her, then stop whining. Your inaction is frustrating. A date card comes with a horrible clue - “Do you Belize in love?” Courtney cries when the date card isn’t for her. I wonder how many bottles of Visine the producers had to supply for that little clip.
The date with Horsey is incredibly lame. Ben describes their relationship as being both funny and serious - to which Horsey actually says, “Ohmahgawd, best of both worlds!” The two decide to pen a message in a bottle, and after Ben writes “Once upon a time,” Horsey tells him she likes the story and thinks it’s very doctor-like. What? Fast forward.
PhD has the next date. She says she’s excited to fall in love. You are way behind the curve, darlin’. She has to go home this week. It’s not that I don’t like her, it’s just that she doesn’t get what’s required of her as a Bachelor contestant. Their date is “super cool and right up [his] alley,” according to Ben. So I have to imagine it involves being dirty, awkward, and perhaps riding in a helicopter. But, no. They play drums and basketball, ride bikes, and drink coconut milk. Again, I must ask - has ABC recast for the role of Ben? Next, there’s an “impromptu” dive for lobsters. Oh come on, ABC. Stop asking us to stretch the boundaries of logic. We all know this show, by its very nature, cannot be spontaneous is any way, shape, or form. I’m bored and annoyed. Fast forward.
Back at the house, Courtney is playing the sympathy card better than anyone I’ve ever seen. She is an amazing actress. Screw modeling. She’s actually convincing these girls that PhD is some kind of villain (okay, mostly just the empty-headed Horsey, but still). Hopefully someone will see through this. Her interview is a bit more honest. She admits that she isn’t ready to bring Ben home to her family and says that it “sucks” because she “really liked him” - not loved him. Which is not unreasonable. Just an ill-advised comment to make in the context of this show. However, Ben consistently defies logic, so this admission likely won’t make a bit of difference.
Ben and PhD appear to be having a fun date and he has very complimentary things to say about her. She’s the only girl on this show who can actually hold a conversation and not sound like a dumb twat, and I respect that. I’m actually starting to feel sorry that this girl will be forever ruined by participating in this show.
Oh wow, back at the house, we get a side shot of the Southern Alcoholic’s face, and she literally looks like a 47-year-old trailer park resident. So much so that I didn’t recognize her for a few seconds. And Courtney gets the next date. Her pathetic, whiny act immediately gets dropped. Though Kacie B. takes on a new role that is highly reminiscent of the sisters in The Fighter - she just starts swearin’ up a storm and threatening Courtney’s life.
I’m having a hard time bringing myself to watch the Courtney date at all. But I’ll suffer through it, just for y’all. Ben takes Courtney to a Mayan temple, where she immediately starts talking about human sacrifice. How does Ben not realize she’s going to murder him in the near future? Courtney then begins to make threats and tells Ben that he’s in a precarious position with her. Damn. Why didn’t ABC cast her for The Bachelorette?
In the meantime, the girls bitch about Courtney and describe her as a black widow who is digging her own grave. PhD says she will never mention this to Ben again and that she thinks he’s perceptive enough to just get it. Yeah. Keep dreaming.
Back at the Temple of Doom, Ben says he wants a “weird,” “edgy” girl like Courtney. Thus making him the least perceptive person on earth. To be fair though, Courtney is the girl who managed to make the sentence “This is steep” sound sexual. Before this horrible date ends, we see a shadow from a helicopter overhead. This show is single-handedly employing every helicopter pilot in the Americas.
Chicken McBites commercial! Processed, fried chicken is going to be on my mind all night. Breakfast, perhaps.
Back to the date. Courtney is so fake I could literally claw her eyes out. I just hate her. I also think this show is elevating my anxiety. Fast forward.
We find out that Kacie B., Piercing, and Southern Alcoholic get the three-on-one date. That sounds like a bad porno. Back on the date, Courtney shits on all of the other women, and Ben essentially responds with, “Look at all the fuck I do not give.” When PhD did this about one girl, Ben lost his cool. Now that Coutney’s doing the same thing about all of the girls, he’s as chill as a Flintstones Push-Up Pop. I tried to fast forward through this exchange, but my remote didn’t respond. I nearly had a panic attack.
Time for the next date! In the process of Ben retrieving the three ladies at 4:00am, we find out that these girls all have to sleep together. This is so jenky, ABC. Don’t be cheap like that. We then have to watch the girls hurriedly shave their armpits, legs, and bikini areas in preparation for their date. I am not pleased by this, ABC producers. That’s just rude and overly personal. Especially on a show that absolutely does not value reality in any form.
I fast forwarded through half of this date. There was kissing, scuba diving, and jealousy. Kacie B. starts letting her crazy, redneck tendencies get the better of her. She is consumed by jealousy.
Oh my god. ABC is now sponsoring “Marry Me Monday” with Jared the Galleria of Jewelry (that isn’t an overly long name at all). This must be its attempt to make up for the fact that no one in 16 seasons of The Bachelor has ever had a happy or long-lasting relationship.
Back on the date, Southern Alcoholic is slurring and talking to trees and seashells. I can’t. This is too easy. And back at the house, Courtney casually mentions that she had a “late night” with Ben. To be fair, they played Scattergories in their flannels. But the other girls are still pissed. Ben finally gives Kacie B. some attention on this date, at which point she flat out tells him she’s falling in love. I’ve never seen a guy look closer to vomiting while sober. He is not happy.
Okay. Date rose time. It’s a “big rose,” according to Ben. You can see his envy. And, wait what? Kacie B. gets the rose. Maybe the sun was just in Ben’s eyes before.
And now - Rose Ceremony! This took me more like 40 minutes to get to tonight. I think I need to replace my remote batteries. I’m waiting for the Courtney and Ben hook up sesh confrontation. However, Courtney doesn’t have a care in the world at this juncture and is totally focused on her frozen piña colada (see the title above), which annoys the other girls. How are they not just finding her antics hilarious at this point? After waxing poetic about her skanky frozen beverage, Courtney informs the other women that Ben is not the only guy in the world - to which PhD whispers angrily to Horsey, “Did she just say that Ben is not the only guy in the world?” Amazing. Why do these women make my job so easy? Finally, Chris Harrison appears and breaks up this lovely gathering to inform the women that there will be no cocktail reception - Ben has actually made up his mind about something for a change and doesn’t need any additional time. Rachel is already crying in an interview, and I have to wonder when this little snippet was filmed - before or after the outcome of the Rose Ceremony? Courtney continues to say awesome and horrible things (“I’m sure we’re all ready to go home in some way - some of us for Ben to meet our families, some of us just to go home.”).
The Rose Ceremony finally gets underway, and it looks like ABC has purchased some non-awful ties for Ben - just kidding, it’s still terrible, but at least it’s normal-sized. Ben starts the Ceremony by “stealing Courtney away.” Either they’re going to have sex or he’s going to send her home. He’s so pathetic and submissive throughout this encounter. I have to wonder if his mangina has some sort of uncomfortable infection that’s diminishing his ability to act like a man. However, we don’t see the culmination of their conversation. Instead, the two simply return to the group with a bit of awkward tension between them. Leaving me to assume that they had sex. And my suspicions are “confirmed” when Ben picks Courtney over Piercing and PhD. We all knew this was coming, but it’s harder to stomach than I anticipated. Courtney frolics over to accept her rose from Ben - barefoot. This bitch couldn’t even be bothered to put on shoes. That’s how much of a shit she does not give. But at least we learn that the clip of Piercing crying from earlier was actually filmed after the Rose Ceremony.
Next week - there will be strange horse-drawn carriages, overly protective parents, angry fathers, and awkward admissions. Oh, and a visit with Courtney’s sister. Who is Khloe Kardashian’s doppelganger. I can’t wait. Too bad I finished all of my cookie dough this weekend and have yet to get my hands on some Xanax.
"Should I just bend over and take it up the tailpipe?"
Before I start this recap, I just want to take a second and remind the world that the man pictured above is the person that 30 women quit their jobs and left their families and friends to pursue. That being said, let’s get started!
In the intro to this episode, we’ve already travelled to a new country, been on a helicopter ride, and taken all of our clothes off (Courtney…). So, we’ve basically seen the entire episode. But I’ll go ahead and subject myself to emotional torture for a bit longer. Thankfully, I was able to DVR this entire episode and thus could fast forward through large chunks of it.
The group goes to Panama this week. I guess we can figure out who our felon was (the Accountant), since the group is now free to leave the country. Donald Trump gets a very unneeded plug for his gaudy hotel (is The Apprentice moving to ABC, or something?). Courtney quickly expresses a desire to get naked and go skinny dipping with Ben once more. Please god, no.
Ben arrives, and his balls look like they want to run away - his shorts are just so damn tight. And he’s acting like a dumb 11-year-old, per the usual. He describes this as a fresh start - meaning this is day one of his post-Courtney hook-up gonorrhea.
Kacie B. correctly predicts that she’s going to get the first date. She pretends to be nervous. This makes me hate her, suddenly. I realize she’s a fake bitch. And I have to agree with Courtney - ick - that Kacie B. is annoying. Kacie B. says this date is going to potentially change her life. Yeah. Either you’re dying in a fiery helicopter crash, catching an STD, or going home to be single and jobless. Or so I hope…
This is the most boring date, ever. Helicopters. Sightseeing. Water. Jungles. Sand. Ben worries that they’ll run out of things to talk about. I haven’t heard them speak more than two words yet, and we’re only a minute or two into the date. Kacie B. had to pack three things - she chose a monkey (what???), a corkscrew (with a knife, as she emphasizes), and some unhealthy snack. Ben brought a machete, a fishing net (i.e. rope), and matches. So he’s not sending Kacie B. home. He’s killing her and leaving her body on this deserted island. Have fun defending yourself with that dinky knife! Kacie B. even says that, sometimes, couples don’t survive together. She’s more intuitive than I thought! She then says that it’s hot watching Ben hack apart a coconut. She’s probably some kind of masochistic freak. I’m sorry, but I am not trying to watch Survivor: Murder Edition. Fast forward. By the way, Kacie B.’s bikini didn’t match. I hate that. It makes me actively angry. And, also Ben, being able to cut open a coconut together does not mean y’all can do anything.
Ben and Kacie B. have dinner. She says she likes to go to the grocery store and the gym. Big time. This girl is pure excitement.
Another date card comes. Group date. Ew. Piercing and Hooters realize they have the two-on-one. I hope they have to fight to the death. Or maybe they’ll just turn lesbian for each other. I mean, Hooters does say it’s going to be “amazing” - and she’s the one who almost hooked up with a girl on night one, mind you.
Back to the dinner. It’s so, so boring. They have nothing to talk about. Ben looks like a butch lesbian camp counselor. Kacie B. says she feels old. Ben says she seems so mature. This is obviously on a relative basis. She starts talking about her high school eating disorder. Oh my god. This girl is an idiot. It’s confirmed. Ben now knows you are a bag of crazy. She even admits that she actually used to make herself puke. Ben looks like he’s about to faint. He is literally dripping with sweat. This cannot end well. But this is Ben we’re talking about. So she gets the date rose.
Ben and the other girls then go on the group date. It involves nature. And being dirty and hot and probably catching malaria. One of the girls describes Ben as being “sexy” and a “man’s man” - please, everyone, reference the photo above. This girl must be legally blind. Another describes how cool it is that the boat is a hollowed out tree. Like hundreds of thousands of other boats constructed in the history of the world. The group comes across some native children who literally flee from them. So, of course, they chase them. ABC makes the natives put on clothing. And then the group basically mocks their culture. Don’t fear though, Courtney is here to keep it real. She strips to be “more like the natives,” to be “one with nature.” PhD is obviously furious.
Horsey says she wants to be a member of Ben’s cult tribe. Ben just wants to stare at Courtney’s tits. Things happen. ABC makes the natives wait on the girls hand and foot. This is embarrassing for everyone. As is Courtney’s nameplate necklace. It’s not just Hooters who has one. I suddenly want a nameplate necklace, too. What the hell?
PhD can’t talk about anything but Courtney. She is gone this episode, I feel it. Oh my god, I think I just saw Ben’s ball sack. Fast forward.
More things happen. People chat and make out. Courtney gives Ben her room number and suggests that he come over so he can repay some favor - I can’t imagine what that might be. She says she thinks he’s itching for more one-on-one time with her - that’s not why he’s itching, Courtney.
More things happen. More people talk. PhD says she has another man in her life - ha, psych! JK, LOLZ! She’s talking about the tribal chief. Hahaha. So funn-ee. Especially since someone is about to get kicked off by ABC for that very offense.
Horsey gets the date rose. Her hair is so awful - i.e. she and Ben are a perfect match. Oh, and Courtney gets stood up by Ben later that night.
Two-on-one date time. This is four seconds away from a porno. Ben’s shorts are so tight. Again. That boner is going to be very hard to hide - ha, pun. They go dancing. I’m bored. Fast forward. God. Is there no A/C in Panama? Everyone is so sweaty. This is no bueno for Ben’s hair. They should have gone solely to arctic countries. Dinner is awkward. Everyone is silent. I hope he sends both girls home. Ben makes out with Piercing first. She moves her mouth like her jaw is dislocated. Then Hooters gives him a scrapbook. She must have huffed a lot of glue in the process of making that bad boy to think this was a good idea. And, finally, a semi-logical choice from Ben. He picks Piercing. Hooters actually runs away. She and Ben have a great little confrontation. I was expecting her to shiv him. She didn’t, sadly. But Ben totally abandons Piercing. Poor girl. Although she describes her night as being “perfect.” Really? Her night represented literally my worst dating nightmare. Hooters finally leaves. We see a montage of stray cats as she departs. Thank you, ABC. I loved that.
Finally. Drama. Chris Harrison confronts the near mute about her back-home-boy. And now she speaks. She says she might need therapy. And more or less admits that she is in love with her ex. Chris makes her go and talk to Ben. Who gets weirdly parental with her. She says all she wants is to get married. To someone. And have an escape from her ex. She’s so selfish. Ben asks her to leave. Then she moves from speaking to just generally making a lot of noise. She is the ugliest cryer. Ever. Of all time. She’s such a pretty girl, too. And one of the best dressed. Oh. By the way. The other girls all stood around and watched most this go down. They didn’t even try to be discreet. Love it!
On to the rose ceremony. Thank god. I’ve gotten this far in 34 minutes. Some girl I’ve never seen decides she needs to up the sex appeal to be more like Courtney. Except what follows is like your awkward first kiss at age 13. She sets it up for so long that Ben is expecting way more than a kiss. She also rips her dress, gives him ten minutes worth of weird and contradictory kissing instructions, and pretends like she actually just wants to get really freaky with him. I had to hide behind my hands for most of this. I have never felt so uncomfortable, ever. I never want to date again if there is even the slightest chance of it being like this. Ben’s interaction with this girl might as well have been with me - it was truly that painful to watch. And. Big, huge, massive surprise. Ben does not give her a rose. Two smart decisions in one episode. Did ABC switch actors for the role of Ben?
Next week. Another tropical country. This won’t be redundant. Someone is actually going to use the “love” word to Ben’s face! And Ben might be seeing Courtney’s true colors. And by that I mean - does the carpet match the drapes? Not - is she as much of a bitch as the rest of the world says she is?
Well, I’m exhausted now. And, for the first time, I think I want to be single. Forever. Dating is terrifying.
P.S. Yes, the title is a Courtney quote. No, it is not something she said to Ben.
When I was a sophomore in college, someone introduced me to the magic that is Old Gregg from The Mighty Boosh. For anyone who hasn’t seen the Old Gregg skit, I’m not going to go so far as to recommend watching it, but I wouldn’t tell you not to, either. In any event, there is an amazing, epic, wonderful song in this skit titled “Love Games” - and, truly, it is about 1,072 times better than Lady Gaga’s song of the same name.
The song features Old Gregg asking his hostage whether or not the hostage is playing “love games” with him. Lyrics such as these represent a dramatic shift from music popular in the mid-twentieth century, which often contained lyrics that, today, would be better suited for a Lifetime move script centered around stalking. Mel Carter once sang, “Hold me, never let me go, until you’ve told me what I want to know…,” while The Temptations crooned, “I know you wanna leave me, but I refuse to let you go.” Honestly, I can’t even type these lyrics out without thinking to myself, “What a psycho, stalker, loser.” And yet, I think my reaction is just a sign of the changing times. Because I doubt, given the number of songs with lyrics like that from the 1950s and 1960s, that people in our parents’ generation (or a bit older than our parents, perhaps) would have been similarly phased. The singers of yesteryear weren’t concerned with sounding pathetic or obsessive. They weren’t anxiety-ridden about the possibility of saying something dumb or showing too much emotion or making an unattractive face that might turn the other person off forever. In comparison, the lyrics of Old Gregg’s “Loves Games” bring to light how ridiculous it is that the modern-day dating scene comes with so many “rules” and “love games.”
Below are some of the dating “rules” that I’ve picked up over the years, most of which dictate how I handle myself with members of the opposite sex that I have even the slightest interest in. Many of these go out the window once you’re in a long-term, committed relationship - but, for the period of time where they “must” be adhered to, they make things unnecessarily difficult and stressful:
Don’t double text. If you say anything that goes unresponded to, you cannot text that person again unless it’s been at least several days or it’s an emergency of sorts.
Don’t send another text if the last one you received was under three words. If you’ve gotten a “No,” “Yup,” “Yah, “Ha,” “Haha,” “Cool,” “I see,” “OK,” or anything like that - don’t say anything else.
Don’t send a text that’s longer than 5 lines on the iPhone screen - even if that means you have to replace “and” with “&” and “with” with “w/” just to save space. It doesn’t matter if you’re just telling a story - if your text looks overly long, guys will think you’re insane and probably prone to annoying text message rants.
Don’t friend a guy on Facebook, follow him on Twitter, and follow him on Foursquare in the same week - or perhaps even in the same month. In fact, don’t ever be the one to place the Facebook friend request, and then don’t even think about a Twitter or Foursquare connection, where applicable, until a DTR has taken place.
Don’t communicate in too many different forms. If you typically text message, don’t suddenly initiate a Gchat - otherwise, the guy will feel as though you’re attacking him from too many different angles. If the guy decides to Facebook chat or Gchat you, however, certainly respond. But in a nonchalant way, obviously.
Don’t message a guy too quickly when you see him pop up on Facebook chat or Gchat. It looks as though you’re creepily waiting for him. Actually, just ignore him altogether unless he reaches out to you first.
Don’t mention a guy’s status update, Facebook picture, blog post, check-in, or Tweet in conversation. It confirms that you do the “stalkerish” things that he assumes you do (and that he does too) but is still freaked out by.
Girls should initiate dates at the very beginning - it makes you look cool and confident. After the third date, however, never initiate a hang-out. Otherwise, you just look obsessive.
Never be the first person to describe a hang-out as a “date.”
Don’t be the one to suggest hanging out more than once in any one week period.
Don’t tell a guy he was in your dream. It could be totally no big deal in actuality, but once you say “So, you were in my dream and….” he’ll stop listening and start thinking instead about what a crazy you are.
Don’t. Show. Any. Emotions. At all. I’m not counting “happiness” or “glee” - those are just part of the “I’m cute, you should like me” act.
Just writing this list was exhausting - so imagine how tiring it is to actually adhere to all of these rules. To be fair, I have certainly been known to break some of these. But I try really hard - maybe too hard - to abide by them. It seems to me that technology has made dating so much more challenging, as there is a new standard of actual and implied dating etiquette that has sprung up since the creation and popularization of text messaging, email, instant messaging, Facebook/Facebook chat, Twitter, and Foursquare. And it really just makes dating not fun. I mean, just look at my list. The majority of my “rules” pertain to virtual communication. One day, I hope this all gets easier. Do you all have any other dating “rules” that should be added to this list?