Scotch and Pancakes

“Oh my gosh, so good when it hits your lips!”

Welcome to Season 16, Episode 7! Are we halfway done yet? In the intro to tonight’s episode, I hear some variation of “I love Ben” three times. And then, of course, the other half of the intro is devoted to Courtney-bashing. Which is unsurprising given that 66.67% of the magazines I bought today had Ben and Courtney on the cover. Yes. I am now wasting time and money on this show. If anyone is a masochist, it’s not any of these girls - it’s me.

We begin the episode with the group traveling to Belize and providing their customary introductory interviews. Ben says that island life here is “slow,” which finally gives him time to think through what’s going on. I’m not sure if Ben is really that self-deprecating about his mental capabilities or if The Bachelor producers and editors have a similar sense of humor to mine. Kacie B. says she’s as in love with Ben as she possibly could be. After four weeks, give or take. So she is essentially disproving the theories about love growing over time that have been expounded upon by authors, poets, and lyricists for, well, ever. I am so thankful to see that there’s a cool breeze here in Belize. Hopefully this will ameliorate some of the issues with Ben’s hair and general appearance. Southern Alcoholic says that she really doesn’t need any additional time with Ben in order to tell him she loves him. Which isn’t actually an indicator of her feelings. More of her BAC. Nevertheless, she quickly starts crying and admits that her connection with Ben might not be any stronger than anyone else’s. Ah, the depressant effects of alcohol.

We break for commercial, and first up is an advertisement for Neil Lane bridal at Kay Jewelers. Doesn’t Kay know that this show only discourages people from marrying? Pick your target market better, sheesh.

Ben shows up for his first date with Horsey doing his best Ryan Gosling impression in a striped wifebeater. PhD, however, compares him to a piece of cheesecake in swim trunks. Call me crazy, but that does not sound appealing. I don’t particularly like cheesecake, but even if I did… In any case, date one starts off on a helicopter ride. Duh. I am actually furious by how repetitive and boring Ben’s dates are. And yet he has the gall to describe this date as “unique” and “special,” at which point I nearly threw my remote at the TV. The date involves jumping out of the helicopter into the “blue hole.”

(A) What would Freud have to say about this?

(B) Why doesn’t a single girl ever tell Ben, “No, I don’t want to do this and if this is your thing, then we’re probably not that compatible”?

Horsey literally says, “I could die any second, but like a relationship….” - this is not a good comparison. At all. Just stop. And Ben. Please, please stop trying to “overcome fears” with these girls. Stop saying, “If we can do this, we can do anything!” Stop taking so many helicopter rides. I am actively upset right now. The cosmetics commercial following this segment will likely be the best part of this two-hour-long block.

Horsey is “definitely falling in love with Ben.” Listen, I’m an advocate for loving people openly and not being so paranoid about telling someone you love them, particularly in a culture in which sex has become a meaningless commodity to most. In the case of this show, however, the speed at which these girls “fall in love” is absurd.

Back at the house, there’s a Courtney bitch fest. Girls, if y’all aren’t going to just murder her, then stop whining. Your inaction is frustrating. A date card comes with a horrible clue - “Do you Belize in love?” Courtney cries when the date card isn’t for her. I wonder how many bottles of Visine the producers had to supply for that little clip.

The date with Horsey is incredibly lame. Ben describes their relationship as being both funny and serious - to which Horsey actually says, “Ohmahgawd, best of both worlds!” The two decide to pen a message in a bottle, and after Ben writes “Once upon a time,” Horsey tells him she likes the story and thinks it’s very doctor-like. What? Fast forward.

PhD has the next date. She says she’s excited to fall in love. You are way behind the curve, darlin’. She has to go home this week. It’s not that I don’t like her, it’s just that she doesn’t get what’s required of her as a Bachelor contestant. Their date is “super cool and right up [his] alley,” according to Ben. So I have to imagine it involves being dirty, awkward, and perhaps riding in a helicopter. But, no. They play drums and basketball, ride bikes, and drink coconut milk. Again, I must ask - has ABC recast for the role of Ben? Next, there’s an “impromptu” dive for lobsters. Oh come on, ABC. Stop asking us to stretch the boundaries of logic. We all know this show, by its very nature, cannot be spontaneous is any way, shape, or form. I’m bored and annoyed. Fast forward.

Back at the house, Courtney is playing the sympathy card better than anyone I’ve ever seen. She is an amazing actress. Screw modeling. She’s actually convincing these girls that PhD is some kind of villain (okay, mostly just the empty-headed Horsey, but still). Hopefully someone will see through this. Her interview is a bit more honest. She admits that she isn’t ready to bring Ben home to her family and says that it “sucks” because she “really liked him” - not loved him. Which is not unreasonable. Just an ill-advised comment to make in the context of this show. However, Ben consistently defies logic, so this admission likely won’t make a bit of difference.

Ben and PhD appear to be having a fun date and he has very complimentary things to say about her. She’s the only girl on this show who can actually hold a conversation and not sound like a dumb twat, and I respect that. I’m actually starting to feel sorry that this girl will be forever ruined by participating in this show.

Oh wow, back at the house, we get a side shot of the Southern Alcoholic’s face, and she literally looks like a 47-year-old trailer park resident. So much so that I didn’t recognize her for a few seconds. And Courtney gets the next date. Her pathetic, whiny act immediately gets dropped. Though Kacie B. takes on a new role that is highly reminiscent of the sisters in The Fighter - she just starts swearin’ up a storm and threatening Courtney’s life.

I’m having a hard time bringing myself to watch the Courtney date at all. But I’ll suffer through it, just for y’all. Ben takes Courtney to a Mayan temple, where she immediately starts talking about human sacrifice. How does Ben not realize she’s going to murder him in the near future? Courtney then begins to make threats and tells Ben that he’s in a precarious position with her. Damn. Why didn’t ABC cast her for The Bachelorette?

In the meantime, the girls bitch about Courtney and describe her as a black widow who is digging her own grave. PhD says she will never mention this to Ben again and that she thinks he’s perceptive enough to just get it. Yeah. Keep dreaming.

Back at the Temple of Doom, Ben says he wants a “weird,” “edgy” girl like Courtney. Thus making him the least perceptive person on earth. To be fair though, Courtney is the girl who managed to make the sentence “This is steep” sound sexual. Before this horrible date ends, we see a shadow from a helicopter overhead. This show is single-handedly employing every helicopter pilot in the Americas.

Chicken McBites commercial! Processed, fried chicken is going to be on my mind all night. Breakfast, perhaps.

Back to the date. Courtney is so fake I could literally claw her eyes out. I just hate her. I also think this show is elevating my anxiety. Fast forward.

We find out that Kacie B., Piercing, and Southern Alcoholic get the three-on-one date. That sounds like a bad porno. Back on the date, Courtney shits on all of the other women, and Ben essentially responds with, “Look at all the fuck I do not give.” When PhD did this about one girl, Ben lost his cool. Now that Coutney’s doing the same thing about all of the girls, he’s as chill as a Flintstones Push-Up Pop. I tried to fast forward through this exchange, but my remote didn’t respond. I nearly had a panic attack.

Time for the next date! In the process of Ben retrieving the three ladies at 4:00am, we find out that these girls all have to sleep together. This is so jenky, ABC. Don’t be cheap like that. We then have to watch the girls hurriedly shave their armpits, legs, and bikini areas in preparation for their date. I am not pleased by this, ABC producers. That’s just rude and overly personal. Especially on a show that absolutely does not value reality in any form.

I fast forwarded through half of this date. There was kissing, scuba diving, and jealousy. Kacie B. starts letting her crazy, redneck tendencies get the better of her. She is consumed by jealousy.

Oh my god. ABC is now sponsoring “Marry Me Monday” with Jared the Galleria of Jewelry (that isn’t an overly long name at all). This must be its attempt to make up for the fact that no one in 16 seasons of The Bachelor has ever had a happy or long-lasting relationship.

Back on the date, Southern Alcoholic is slurring and talking to trees and seashells. I can’t. This is too easy. And back at the house, Courtney casually mentions that she had a “late night” with Ben. To be fair, they played Scattergories in their flannels. But the other girls are still pissed. Ben finally gives Kacie B. some attention on this date, at which point she flat out tells him she’s falling in love. I’ve never seen a guy look closer to vomiting while sober. He is not happy.

Okay. Date rose time. It’s a “big rose,” according to Ben. You can see his envy. And, wait what? Kacie B. gets the rose. Maybe the sun was just in Ben’s eyes before.

And now - Rose Ceremony! This took me more like 40 minutes to get to tonight. I think I need to replace my remote batteries. I’m waiting for the Courtney and Ben hook up sesh confrontation. However, Courtney doesn’t have a care in the world at this juncture and is totally focused on her frozen piña colada (see the title above), which annoys the other girls. How are they not just finding her antics hilarious at this point? After waxing poetic about her skanky frozen beverage, Courtney informs the other women that Ben is not the only guy in the world - to which PhD whispers angrily to Horsey, “Did she just say that Ben is not the only guy in the world?” Amazing. Why do these women make my job so easy? Finally, Chris Harrison appears and breaks up this lovely gathering to inform the women that there will be no cocktail reception - Ben has actually made up his mind about something for a change and doesn’t need any additional time. Rachel is already crying in an interview, and I have to wonder when this little snippet was filmed - before or after the outcome of the Rose Ceremony? Courtney continues to say awesome and horrible things (“I’m sure we’re all ready to go home in some way - some of us for Ben to meet our families, some of us just to go home.”).

The Rose Ceremony finally gets underway, and it looks like ABC has purchased some non-awful ties for Ben - just kidding, it’s still terrible, but at least it’s normal-sized. Ben starts the Ceremony by “stealing Courtney away.” Either they’re going to have sex or he’s going to send her home. He’s so pathetic and submissive throughout this encounter. I have to wonder if his mangina has some sort of uncomfortable infection that’s diminishing his ability to act like a man. However, we don’t see the culmination of their conversation. Instead, the two simply return to the group with a bit of awkward tension between them. Leaving me to assume that they had sex. And my suspicions are “confirmed” when Ben picks Courtney over Piercing and PhD. We all knew this was coming, but it’s harder to stomach than I anticipated. Courtney frolics over to accept her rose from Ben - barefoot. This bitch couldn’t even be bothered to put on shoes. That’s how much of a shit she does not give. But at least we learn that the clip of Piercing crying from earlier was actually filmed after the Rose Ceremony.

Next week - there will be strange horse-drawn carriages, overly protective parents, angry fathers, and awkward admissions. Oh, and a visit with Courtney’s sister. Who is Khloe Kardashian’s doppelganger. I can’t wait. Too bad I finished all of my cookie dough this weekend and have yet to get my hands on some Xanax.

“Should I just bend over and take it up the tailpipe?”

Before I start this recap, I just want to take a second and remind the world that the man pictured above is the person that 30 women quit their jobs and left their families and friends to pursue. That being said, let’s get started!

In the intro to this episode, we’ve already travelled to a new country, been on a helicopter ride, and taken all of our clothes off (Courtney…). So, we’ve basically seen the entire episode. But I’ll go ahead and subject myself to emotional torture for a bit longer. Thankfully, I was able to DVR this entire episode and thus could fast forward through large chunks of it.

The group goes to Panama this week. I guess we can figure out who our felon was (the Accountant), since the group is now free to leave the country. Donald Trump gets a very unneeded plug for his gaudy hotel (is The Apprentice moving to ABC, or something?). Courtney quickly expresses a desire to get naked and go skinny dipping with Ben once more. Please god, no.

Ben arrives, and his balls look like they want to run away - his shorts are just so damn tight. And he’s acting like a dumb 11-year-old, per the usual. He describes this as a fresh start - meaning this is day one of his post-Courtney hook-up gonorrhea.

Kacie B. correctly predicts that she’s going to get the first date. She pretends to be nervous. This makes me hate her, suddenly. I realize she’s a fake bitch. And I have to agree with Courtney - ick - that Kacie B. is annoying. Kacie B. says this date is going to potentially change her life. Yeah. Either you’re dying in a fiery helicopter crash, catching an STD, or going home to be single and jobless. Or so I hope…

This is the most boring date, ever. Helicopters. Sightseeing. Water. Jungles. Sand. Ben worries that they’ll run out of things to talk about. I haven’t heard them speak more than two words yet, and we’re only a minute or two into the date. Kacie B. had to pack three things - she chose a monkey (what???), a corkscrew (with a knife, as she emphasizes), and some unhealthy snack. Ben brought a machete, a fishing net (i.e. rope), and matches. So he’s not sending Kacie B. home. He’s killing her and leaving her body on this deserted island. Have fun defending yourself with that dinky knife! Kacie B. even says that, sometimes, couples don’t survive together. She’s more intuitive than I thought! She then says that it’s hot watching Ben hack apart a coconut. She’s probably some kind of masochistic freak. I’m sorry, but I am not trying to watch Survivor: Murder Edition. Fast forward. By the way, Kacie B.’s bikini didn’t match. I hate that. It makes me actively angry. And, also Ben, being able to cut open a coconut together does not mean y’all can do anything.

Ben and Kacie B. have dinner. She says she likes to go to the grocery store and the gym. Big time. This girl is pure excitement.

Another date card comes. Group date. Ew. Piercing and Hooters realize they have the two-on-one. I hope they have to fight to the death. Or maybe they’ll just turn lesbian for each other. I mean, Hooters does say it’s going to be “amazing” - and she’s the one who almost hooked up with a girl on night one, mind you.

Back to the dinner. It’s so, so boring. They have nothing to talk about. Ben looks like a butch lesbian camp counselor. Kacie B. says she feels old. Ben says she seems so mature. This is obviously on a relative basis. She starts talking about her high school eating disorder. Oh my god. This girl is an idiot. It’s confirmed. Ben now knows you are a bag of crazy. She even admits that she actually used to make herself puke. Ben looks like he’s about to faint. He is literally dripping with sweat. This cannot end well. But this is Ben we’re talking about. So she gets the date rose.

Ben and the other girls then go on the group date. It involves nature. And being dirty and hot and probably catching malaria. One of the girls describes Ben as being “sexy” and a “man’s man” - please, everyone, reference the photo above. This girl must be legally blind. Another describes how cool it is that the boat is a hollowed out tree. Like hundreds of thousands of other boats constructed in the history of the world. The group comes across some native children who literally flee from them. So, of course, they chase them. ABC makes the natives put on clothing. And then the group basically mocks their culture. Don’t fear though, Courtney is here to keep it real. She strips to be “more like the natives,” to be “one with nature.” PhD is obviously furious.

Horsey says she wants to be a member of Ben’s cult tribe. Ben just wants to stare at Courtney’s tits. Things happen. ABC makes the natives wait on the girls hand and foot. This is embarrassing for everyone. As is Courtney’s nameplate necklace. It’s not just Hooters who has one. I suddenly want a nameplate necklace, too. What the hell?

PhD can’t talk about anything but Courtney. She is gone this episode, I feel it. Oh my god, I think I just saw Ben’s ball sack. Fast forward.

More things happen. People chat and make out. Courtney gives Ben her room number and suggests that he come over so he can repay some favor - I can’t imagine what that might be. She says she thinks he’s itching for more one-on-one time with her - that’s not why he’s itching, Courtney.

More things happen. More people talk. PhD says she has another man in her life - ha, psych! JK, LOLZ! She’s talking about the tribal chief. Hahaha. So funn-ee. Especially since someone is about to get kicked off by ABC for that very offense.

Horsey gets the date rose. Her hair is so awful - i.e. she and Ben are a perfect match. Oh, and Courtney gets stood up by Ben later that night.

Two-on-one date time. This is four seconds away from a porno. Ben’s shorts are so tight. Again. That boner is going to be very hard to hide - ha, pun. They go dancing. I’m bored. Fast forward. God. Is there no A/C in Panama? Everyone is so sweaty. This is no bueno for Ben’s hair. They should have gone solely to arctic countries. Dinner is awkward. Everyone is silent. I hope he sends both girls home. Ben makes out with Piercing first. She moves her mouth like her jaw is dislocated. Then Hooters gives him a scrapbook. She must have huffed a lot of glue in the process of making that bad boy to think this was a good idea. And, finally, a semi-logical choice from Ben. He picks Piercing. Hooters actually runs away. She and Ben have a great little confrontation. I was expecting her to shiv him. She didn’t, sadly. But Ben totally abandons Piercing. Poor girl. Although she describes her night as being “perfect.” Really? Her night represented literally my worst dating nightmare. Hooters finally leaves. We see a montage of stray cats as she departs. Thank you, ABC. I loved that.

Finally. Drama. Chris Harrison confronts the near mute about her back-home-boy. And now she speaks. She says she might need therapy. And more or less admits that she is in love with her ex. Chris makes her go and talk to Ben. Who gets weirdly parental with her. She says all she wants is to get married. To someone. And have an escape from her ex. She’s so selfish. Ben asks her to leave. Then she moves from speaking to just generally making a lot of noise. She is the ugliest cryer. Ever. Of all time. She’s such a pretty girl, too. And one of the best dressed. Oh. By the way. The other girls all stood around and watched most this go down. They didn’t even try to be discreet. Love it!

On to the rose ceremony. Thank god. I’ve gotten this far in 34 minutes. Some girl I’ve never seen decides she needs to up the sex appeal to be more like Courtney. Except what follows is like your awkward first kiss at age 13. She sets it up for so long that Ben is expecting way more than a kiss. She also rips her dress, gives him ten minutes worth of weird and contradictory kissing instructions, and pretends like she actually just wants to get really freaky with him. I had to hide behind my hands for most of this. I have never felt so uncomfortable, ever. I never want to date again if there is even the slightest chance of it being like this. Ben’s interaction with this girl might as well have been with me - it was truly that painful to watch. And. Big, huge, massive surprise. Ben does not give her a rose. Two smart decisions in one episode. Did ABC switch actors for the role of Ben?

Next week. Another tropical country. This won’t be redundant. Someone is actually going to use the “love” word to Ben’s face! And Ben might be seeing Courtney’s true colors. And by that I mean - does the carpet match the drapes? Not - is she as much of a bitch as the rest of the world says she is?

Well, I’m exhausted now. And, for the first time, I think I want to be single. Forever. Dating is terrifying.

P.S. Yes, the title is a Courtney quote. No, it is not something she said to Ben.

“Games? Love Games?”

When I was a sophomore in college, someone introduced me to the magic that is Old Gregg from The Mighty Boosh. For anyone who hasn’t seen the Old Gregg skit, I’m not going to go so far as to recommend watching it, but I wouldn’t tell you not to, either. In any event, there is an amazing, epic, wonderful song in this skit titled “Love Games” - and, truly, it is about 1,072 times better than Lady Gaga’s song of the same name.

The song features Old Gregg asking his hostage whether or not the hostage is playing “love games” with him. Lyrics such as these represent a dramatic shift from music popular in the mid-twentieth century, which often contained lyrics that, today, would be better suited for a Lifetime move script centered around stalking. Mel Carter once sang, “Hold me, never let me go, until you’ve told me what I want to know…,” while The Temptations crooned, “I know you wanna leave me, but I refuse to let you go.” Honestly, I can’t even type these lyrics out without thinking to myself, “What a psycho, stalker, loser.” And yet, I think my reaction is just a sign of the changing times. Because I doubt, given the number of songs with lyrics like that from the 1950s and 1960s, that people in our parents’ generation (or a bit older than our parents, perhaps) would have been similarly phased. The singers of yesteryear weren’t concerned with sounding pathetic or obsessive. They weren’t anxiety-ridden about the possibility of saying something dumb or showing too much emotion or making an unattractive face that might turn the other person off forever. In comparison, the lyrics of Old Gregg’s “Loves Games” bring to light how ridiculous it is that the modern-day dating scene comes with so many “rules” and “love games.”

Below are some of the dating “rules” that I’ve picked up over the years, most of which dictate how I handle myself with members of the opposite sex that I have even the slightest interest in. Many of these go out the window once you’re in a long-term, committed relationship - but, for the period of time where they “must” be adhered to, they make things unnecessarily difficult and stressful:

1. Don’t double text. If you say anything that goes unresponded to, you cannot text that person again unless it’s been at least several days or it’s an emergency of sorts.
2. Don’t send another text if the last one you received was under three words. If you’ve gotten a “No,” “Yup,” “Yah, “Ha,” “Haha,” “Cool,” “I see,” “OK,” or anything like that - don’t say anything else.
3. Don’t send a text that’s longer than 5 lines on the iPhone screen - even if that means you have to replace “and” with “&” and “with” with “w/” just to save space. It doesn’t matter if you’re just telling a story - if your text looks overly long, guys will think you’re insane and probably prone to annoying text message rants.
4. Don’t friend a guy on Facebook, follow him on Twitter, and follow him on Foursquare in the same week - or perhaps even in the same month. In fact, don’t ever be the one to place the Facebook friend request, and then don’t even think about a Twitter or Foursquare connection, where applicable, until a DTR has taken place.
5. Don’t communicate in too many different forms. If you typically text message, don’t suddenly initiate a Gchat - otherwise, the guy will feel as though you’re attacking him from too many different angles. If the guy decides to Facebook chat or Gchat you, however, certainly respond. But in a nonchalant way, obviously.
6. Don’t message a guy too quickly when you see him pop up on Facebook chat or Gchat. It looks as though you’re creepily waiting for him. Actually, just ignore him altogether unless he reaches out to you first.
7. Don’t mention a guy’s status update, Facebook picture, blog post, check-in, or Tweet in conversation. It confirms that you do the “stalkerish” things that he assumes you do (and that he does too) but is still freaked out by.
8. Girls should initiate dates at the very beginning - it makes you look cool and confident. After the third date, however, never initiate a hang-out. Otherwise, you just look obsessive.
9. Never be the first person to describe a hang-out as a “date.”
10. Don’t be the one to suggest hanging out more than once in any one week period.
11. Don’t tell a guy he was in your dream. It could be totally no big deal in actuality, but once you say “So, you were in my dream and….” he’ll stop listening and start thinking instead about what a crazy you are.
12. Don’t. Show. Any. Emotions. At all. I’m not counting “happiness” or “glee” - those are just part of the “I’m cute, you should like me” act.

Just writing this list was exhausting - so imagine how tiring it is to actually adhere to all of these rules. To be fair, I have certainly been known to break some of these. But I try really hard - maybe too hard - to abide by them. It seems to me that technology has made dating so much more challenging, as there is a new standard of actual and implied dating etiquette that has sprung up since the creation and popularization of text messaging, email, instant messaging, Facebook/Facebook chat, Twitter, and Foursquare. And it really just makes dating not fun. I mean, just look at my list. The majority of my “rules” pertain to virtual communication. One day, I hope this all gets easier. Do you all have any other dating “rules” that should be added to this list?

“It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World”

James Brown once wailed, “This is a man’s world, this is a man’s world/But it wouldn’t be nothing, nothing without a woman or a girl.” And I’d have to agree with him. This is still, sadly, a man’s world – despite all of the strides women have made in my mere 23 years on this earth. However, I might disagree that – at this point – people truly realize that the world would be “nothing” without women. Certainly, no one can deny the importance of women as “incubators” for and mothers of the world’s children – but how many people see women as being integral to other functions in society? Universities might cite the move to coeducation as a major reason for their ascent in the rankings; employers might claim that increased innovation and success are the result of their increasingly diverse employee bases. However, do they – or anyone else – truly believe these claims? Or do we all generally believe that growth and development are byproducts of better technology, more years of experience, and the like? As I see it, the world largely continues to run as it did in the era so lovingly portrayed in Mad Men and in the years predating that – without much regard for the role of women outside of the home. Which is incredibly short-sighted given research such as that discussed in a 2011 Harvard Business Review article titled “Defend Your Research: What Makes a Team Smarter? More Women”. In this article, Professors Woolley and Malone of Carnegie Mellon and MIT, respectively, explained that women are incredibly additive to a team. Though a team’s collective intelligence shows very little correlation to the members’ individual IQs, if it includes more women, its collective intelligence increases. Other factors like group satisfaction, group cohesion, or group motivation showed no correlation to collective intelligence. Still though, the professional world continues to operate much like a good ol’ boys’ club.

So what are women doing to change this dynamic? If women inserted themselves more wholeheartedly in the same type of professional arenas as men, might there be a real opportunity to diminish this “man’s world” mentality? And that begs the question – why are there so few female entrepreneurs working to change the male-centric mindset of our society, and why are those women who do try their hand at entrepreneurship limiting themselves, for the most part, to hyper-feminine pursuits (in the most traditional sense of the word “feminine”)? Certainly, we need more women starting businesses of any type as a means to both resolve gender inequality in the world of start-ups and lead to broader economic expansion – but when do women start moving beyond the gender-constrained ventures that they seem to have a penchant for? Undoubtedly, there is a need for the female-oriented products and services that female entrepreneurs seem uniquely capable of offering due to their more complete understanding of the needs of women. However, if there were more female entrepreneurs overall, could they fill the void of products and services for women in our presently male dominated society while also starting other businesses that are gender neutral or traditionally masculine?

What originally got me thinking about this topic was my inability to find a dry cleaner that caters to women – sometimes, the most trivial “struggles” spark outrage and then critical thought. In New York, there is a dry cleaner on nearly every corner (they probably even outnumber Starbucks locations), and yet none of them are truly equipped to handle women’s clothing. In my experience, the machinery found at a cleaner is designed for men’s clothing, as many cleaners (or the machinery in their shops) have been around since the days when only a handful of women worked outside of the home and had a wardrobe (beyond gowns and the like) that required professional cleaning. As such, most cleaners must hand iron women’s shirts rather than use automated machines that are sized for men’s shirts – meaning that women’s shirts often cost significantly more than men’s to clean and iron. And when you can earn that kind of profit margin off of women – who, anecdotally speaking, are probably more concerned with the cleanliness and care of their clothing than men and thus have few other alternatives to paying these exorbitant prices – well then why would you invest in machinery sized to women’s clothing? And the profit margin really is huge. As cited in a Wall Street Journal article titled “The New Dirt on Dry Cleaners,” a 2009 study by Floyd Advisory LLC found that women pay, on average, 73% more than men for laundered shirts since “…women’s shirts don’t fit in [cleaners’] industrial presses as well as men’s and must be ironed by hand.”

If more women got into the dry cleaning business, would this problem be solved? Unisex pressing machines do exist – might female-owned dry cleaners utilize them in order to ensure that women wouldn’t have to pay so much more than men? Assuming the volume of female clients they could attract via a less discriminatory pricing scheme would outweigh the profit margin that can currently be made on women’s cleaning versus men’s, there should not be any conflict with the profit-motivation of these female business owners. In general, do we believe that it takes a woman to meet the needs of other women in society?

Perhaps ventures like this are good launching pads for female entrepreneurs. If women began to actively investigate opportunities to start their own businesses with the goal of providing themselves and other women with the products and services they need or want but cannot currently find, we could potentially see an increase in female entrepreneurship. However, this should just be a starting point. Female entrepreneurial pursuits should not be limited by gender norms, even if such pursuits legitimately fulfill the unmet needs of women and could be profitable ventures. Nonetheless, any female foray into the start-up world would be welcomed, as it is currently woefully lacking in female presence.

In a September 2011 study titled “Overcoming the Gender Gap: Women Entrepreneurs as Economic Drivers,” the Kauffman Foundation reported that only 35% of start-up owners are women – even though women account for roughly 46% of the workforce and more than 50% of college students. As Lesa Mitchell explained in the report, women have been able to break the “glass ceiling” and move up in the corporate world, but they have found themselves largely unable to break the “glass walls” that prevent them from moving laterally from a corporate job to a start-up. The root of this problem is not entirely clear, but is certainly multi-faceted. Studies have shown that a combination of factors limit female entrepreneurship or diminish the success of entrepreneurial endeavors undertaken by women: the desire for greater work/life balance than men, a fear of taking risk, greater difficultly securing funding (venture funds controlled by women are far more likely to invest in female-led start ups than those controlled by men – and only 14% of venture funds are led by women, according to the National Venture Capital Association), less financial security than men, and a narrow-minded view of potential due to a lifetime of both overt and subliminal gender stereotyping.

In 2007, the United States Small Business Administration (“SBA”) Office of Advocacy published a study titled “Are Male and Female Entrepreneurs Really That Different?”, in which it reported that gender in and of itself does not affect the gender imbalance in the start-up world or the performance of start-ups. Rather, other factors that vary between genders impacts outcomes. In summary, it found that men had more prior business experience, were willing to spend more money on their start-up, were more likely to start a business with the goal of making money, did more research to identify opportunities, and were more likely to start a tech-oriented business, while women had larger than average households to care for, were less likely to purchase their businesses, and were more likely to prefer low risk/return businesses – all factors that favor the success of male entrepreneurs over females.

Despite their marginal presence in the world of start-ups, female entrepreneurs seem to be a hot topic in a world that increasingly values independent thought and entrepreneurial spirit as a means to bolster the depressed economy and even bring about economic expansion. However, many of the discussions about and literature pertaining to female entrepreneurship are constrained by gender stereotyping, both purposeful and subconscious. Articles that detail the steps to success for female-led ventures often focus not on the technology needed to run a successful start-up or on tips for raising capital, but rather, on avoiding “late-night ice cream binges” brought on by guilt over having to be away from a young child at home. They describe networking opportunities taking place on a playground, a PTA meeting, or at a school event – locations that could all very well present rewarding networking opportunities but seem laughably narrow-minded and antiquated. Female entrepreneurs are often labeled with happy-go-lucky terms like “mompreneur” – though I haven’t seen cutesy, semi-demeaning labels applied to men who strike out on their own. Instead, you might see “visionary,” “revolutionary,” or the like used to describe a male entrepreneur. Even though many male entrepreneurs are husbands and/or fathers, you rarely see that part of their life influence the public perception of their entrepreneurial efforts in any meaningful way.

In March 2011, the New York Times spotlighted three books on female entrepreneurship – The Dressmaker of Khair Khana, Single. Women. Entrepreneurs., and Minority Women Entrepreneurs. The women highlighted in these books include one who make dresses in an oppressive, war-torn nation, a Southern “mompreneur” (their word choice, not mine) who opens her own cupcake shop, and a woman who “rescues” and “rehabilitates” discarded mannequins. Even though all of these women have been “empowered” by their entrepreneurial pursuits, the ways in which they seek “independence,” or perhaps just self-fulfillment, are limited to the scope of normative gender roles.

Also in 2011, Inc. magazine published its annual 30 Under 30 list, which included 13 women – a great honor for all of the female entrepreneurs included. And, certainly, all of them are amazing, confident, and talented businesswomen. However, taking a look at the companies that some have founded serves to further the notion that women tend to be more inwardly focused and limited in scope of thought when determining their business ventures. Birchbox, The Shirt by Rochelle Behrens, The Refine Method, and Gianna Fair Trade made Inc.’s list – all of which skew to the highly feminine side. To be fair though, there are a number of female-led ventures on this list that are decidedly unfeminine. These include a private jet charter service, an app to recommend restaurants, a Vietnamese food truck, and an online money management company.

The portfolio of Golden Seeds, one of the most prominent venture capital funds for female-led start-ups that also happens to be run by all women, also indicates that many businesses founded by women are still highly feminine. Such investments include Dancing Deer Baking Company, DRY Soda, FashionPlaytes, gDiapers, Little Passports, Lovesac, RuMe Bags, and sweetriot. However, the majority of Golden Seeds’ investments are decidedly gender neutral, if not seemingly masculine – Amplyx Pharmaceuticals, Carnegie Speech Company, Chromis Fiberoptics, Cognition Therapeutics, Crimson Hexagon, eJamming, Hatsize, LARK, the New Century Brewing Company, Open Road, HarQen, Proto, RedPath Integrated Pathologiy, Saladax Biomedical, TowerCare Technologies, and ZeeToo, Inc. This portfolio mix between traditionally “feminine” and “masculine” products and services proves that women are more than capable of starting businesses in the tech space or in other sectors that are completely unrelated to childcare, shopping, fashion, beauty, or the like.

Regardless though, the nationwide trend is still toward female-led ventures that are feminine in nature. In 2006, two studies – “Does The Business Start-Up Process Differ by Gender? A Longitudinal Study of Nascent Entrepreneurs” and “Women’s Entrepreneurship in the United States” – more or less confirmed what we can attest to anecdotally. Statistics have shown that women are more likely to start businesses within the personal services and retail trade sectors, while male-led businesses are more likely to be found in the manufacturing and tech spaces. Because women tend to pursue business opportunities to provide income for themselves and their nuclear families, their focus is not typically on business models with high growth trajectories – which is fitting, given that retail and personal services businesses are unlikely to inspire thoughts of global domination. In addition, Astia research published in 2010 showed that women only account for 8% of the venture-backed tech start-ups. As the previously mentioned SBA study asserted, this may be the result of “..socialization and structural barriers” – women are typically employed in industries and occupations that society has deemed “appropriate” for women and thus tend to stick to these same industries when they start their own businesses, as they feel most comfortable in those spaces.

Nowhere is the trend of women starting highly feminine businesses better documented than in the field of microfinance, in which micro loans are made to individuals in developing nations to start their own businesses such that they can operate outside of oppressive and discriminatory “economic” systems found in their respective nations. The majority of micro loans are made to women, as women have proven themselves to be more responsible with their loans. According to Mary Ellen Iskenderian, President and CEO of Women’s World Banking (“WWB”), 82% of the client bases of the 39 microfinance organizations the WWB works with in Africa, Asia, Eastern Europe, Latin America, and the Middle East are women entrepreneurs. As explained by the International Fund for Agricultural Development, impoverished women in developing nations have better credit ratings than their male peers. In Bangladesh, for example, women have defaulted less often on loans than men. As compared to men, women are more likely to put their loans to good use, more likely to pay them back, and more likely to work collectively with other women in their community to advance the whole. Men have frequently squandered their loans, failed to invest the proceeds of their ventures wisely (purchasing consumer goods is the most likely outcome), and refused to work with others to advance the community as a whole and improve business opportunities for themselves and others. Though the success of women in the world of microfinance is undeniable, it’s interesting to examine what these women are actually doing with their loans. Making jewelry. Sewing dresses. Handcrafting pottery. All of which are perfectly legitimate trades and are certainly empowering insomuch as they lead to financial independence, confidence, pride, etc. However, they seem to confine women to the usual mother, caretaker, homemaker roles prescribed to them by men for centuries (or, really, millennia). These women likely do not have the education or “professional background” necessary to start any type of “tech” business like we would hope women in developed nations would found, but why aren’t more of them farming, producing animal products, etcetera?

Not only are the ventures of female entrepreneurs in these developing nations seemingly constrained by gender norms, but as microfinance goes “mainstream,” the number of female clients served by microfinance institutions tends to decline sharply. As microfinance institutions have grown and transitioned from NGOs to for-profit entities, fewer loans have been made to women. A 2008 report published by WWB showed that two organizations that made the switch from not-for-profit to for-profit saw their percentage of female clients decrease 28%, on average, in the five years following the switch. To me, this can only indicate that, as for-profit entities, these organizations begin to subscribe to conventional (i.e. archaic) notions that men make better businesspeople and entrepreneurs than women. I cannot think of any other logical explanation given that women have more than proven their ability to utilize micro loans to start successful businesses, repay their loans, and bolster the economic health of their communities.

So – what do we do to compel more women around the world to explore their entrepreneurial sides, how do we better ensure the success of female-led ventures, and how do we encourage women to think outside of the rather narrow confines of the sectors in which they tend to feel “most appropriate” or “most comfortable” working? Given the multitude of factors that influence the types of ventures women pursue, the diminished success of female-led ventures as compared to those led by men, and the overall lack of female entrepreneurship, there is clearly no silver bullet. The core of the problem, however, relates to deeply engrained gender stereotypes and commonly accepted gender norms in the business world – which cannot be changed overnight. There are steps that can be taken to ameliorate the issues relating to female entrepreneurship, however. The Kauffman Foundation provided several “Actionable Next Steps” in its aforementioned report – (1) provide greater funding for initiatives aimed at advancing opportunities for female entrepreneurs, (2) create more formal networking opportunities for women with heads of start-ups and large companies, (3) make female entrepreneurs and investors more visible and establish formal and informal mentoring, and (4) invite more women to join the boards of tech companies such that the focus of female-led ventures expands beyond the retail and personal service sectors. We could also promote tech-oriented college majors, more actively recruit women into tech-oriented careers such that they have the comfort level to start their own businesses in that sector, establish more or better partnerships between venture capital firms and female entrepreneurs and groups that promote female entrepreneurship, and create more online resources for women considering starting their own businesses or better promote those that do exist – such as The Daily Muse, Ladies Who Launch, SMARTY., Women 2.0, Savor the Success, In Good Company, and the YEC (although the latter is not specially focused on women, it has a strong female presence).

To play devil’s advocate just a bit though, I have to ask the question – is my analysis somewhat unfair? Perhaps I am simply perpetuating the application of stereotypes to women and their ventures. Maybe there is nothing wrong with women staring businesses that some may deem “girly” when in fact they are meeting unmet needs of their peers and thus are pursuing ventures with a higher probability for success than something they have less experience with, something that there is less of a need for, etcetera. And maybe it’s not so wrong for women to pursue stereotypically “feminine” ventures when men are seemingly doing the same thing by starting “masculine” businesses instead of designing clothing, giving dating advice, or creating learning software for young children (though there are certainly examples of men doing all three).

Nonetheless, there is in indisputable problem with the lack of female entrepreneurship in our society and the hardship that women seem to face in getting their businesses off the ground as compared to their male peers. I hope that our society more wholeheartedly embraces the idea of female entrepreneurship and works to promote the start-up avenue for women – particularly in sectors that will help women across the world to branch out into jobs that do not fall within gender stereotypes. And if this goal is accomplished in my lifetime, I hope that one day I will find a dry cleaner that targets women – if I don’t just open one myself!

“Who knew that strippers could play baseball?”

The Bachelor is like an STD. In the case of STDs, you’re terribly afraid of catching one and very, very upset if you do - but you just like sex so much that you’re willing to put yourself in harms way. Likewise, I know I shouldn’t be watching The Bachelor, I know it’s not good for me, I know I’ll get sucked in by the Maury-like drama, I know I’ll regret wasting these hours of my life at some later date - but I perversely enjoy the sheer ridiculousness of this show so much that I cannot stop watching.

Tonight’s episode started with - believe it or not - the group traveling to a new location. At this point, I’m just wondering if they’re being asked to leave every town in which they show up to film after day two. If I was the mayor of San Francisco, I certainly would have banned ABC, Ben, and all those semi-crazy women from my town after that obnoxious skiing stunt. Similarly, if I was the mayor of the community in Utah where they filmed last week, I would want The Bachelor to leave as quickly as possible so as to avoid reinforcing our polygamy stereotype.

In any event, this week, the group goes to Puerto Rico - which is obviously just the pinnacle of romance and luxury, as evidenced by this not at all low-budget tourism ad. Which of these ladies has a criminal record that’s preventing the group from leaving the country? When Ben arrives and conducts his first interview about how beautiful all his women and Puerto Rico are - you can see the little boy fantasies swirling in his head - I almost gagged from how absolutely sick and disgusting his hair looked. It has never been so greasy, frizzy, center-parted, and flippy all at once. I had to look away. Thankfully, his gaggle of women quickly comes bounding onto the scene, skipping across the beach as though they were auditioning for the Sports Illustrated Special Ed Swimsuit Edition.

They are quickly led to their hotel, where they all pee their pants over a couple of round, purple sofas. I’ve never seen a single person - let alone an entire group of people - get so excited over a sofa. Or over any piece of furniture. They all pile on like a bunch of overeager puppies - not cute ones, either. I started to wonder if perhaps some of these women were homeless before coming on the show (“The Bachelor - three hots, a cot, and pubic lice.”). If not, they will likely be once they get kicked off of the show, as most of these women gave up their jobs for filthy serial killer/man-child Ben.

The Southern girl with the ruddy, alcoholic face gets the first date of the trip. She expresses how sad she’ll be if she gets sent home. Duh. I feel like they must just give these women a teleprompter to read from - they all say the same things, and I doubt most of them are capable of stringing together a coherent sentence independently. The date starts out in a helicopter. Surprise. I read some interview with Ben over the course of the past week where he mentioned that someone told him he needed to bring back helicopter dates, “…like on the ‘old school’ Bachelor episodes.” As if this show has been on since the 1970s. I know the attention spans of the individuals on this show are so short that it might seem as though the show has been around that long, but it really, really has not. In any case - Ben, mission accomplished. You have brought back helicopters in a big way.

Once they exit the helicopter, it promptly starts raining. I was so relieved that Ben had another wet hair moment to help me temporarily forget how slimy his hair is. Ben explains that they had an exciting date of “walking around” planned, but that his grand plans have been ruined by the rain. And the fact that they’re apparently being chased by a cat. Ben then states that you can’t travel without something going wrong. Which might explain why this show is such an epic failure. Perhaps if they weren’t always traveling, one Bachelor would actually have a successful relationship.

Ben and the Southern alcoholic then decide to buy new clothing so they don’t start to mildew (Ben’s hair is always in some state of partial mildew, so he really doesn’t need to let the stench get any worse). Ben says stupid things in Spanish and throws on an entirely white outfit. It looks like something your dad might pack to wear to the “fancy dinner” on your five-day-long Christmas vacation cruise to the Caribbean and Mexico. Meanwhile, the Southern alcoholic dons a tablecloth. They’re halfway to the most embarrassing family vacation portrait of all time. They then go sit and watch some people get married. Because that’s a totally normal first date. The Southern alcoholic begins having flashbacks of her previous marriage. She says that watching the wedding brings back “old feelings,” but then flip-flops and says it just increases her feelings for Ben. I’m pretty sure she’s drunk or that there are some kind of noxious chemicals in the fabric of her tablecloth dress that are going to her head.

The date closes out with a glass a few bottles of wine on one of those incredibly exciting couches. Ben continues to try his hand at speaking in other languages. Somehow, calling wine “vino” was more upsetting than when he said things like, “It’s raining gatos.” The conversation takes an uncomfortable turn when the Southern alcoholic starts talking about how much she wants to be married again - because, obviously, her first marital failure presents many compelling reasons for Ben to give her the date rose and, later, make her his wife. Ben proves how out-of-touch he is with adult emotions when he asks, “How do you deal with divorce? Do you, like, go to counseling or something?” I felt like he was a child talking to his mom. As she gave her answer, his eyes completely glazed over and he began fiddling with his dirty hair, only furthering my impression that he has no idea what real emotions and/or adult problems are. Thankfully, we cut back to the house shortly after this moving chat.

The girl they pulled from Jerseylicious starts drunkenly whining about not going on a single one-on-one date. I’m thinking she’s the next pageant girl. Hooters begins reprimanding her, but I couldn’t really focus on what she was saying because her ridiculous nameplate necklace was so distracting. The next date card arrives. The clue has something to do with diamonds, and you can see all of the girls’ brains totally turn to mush after the word “diamonds” is read aloud. Hooters doesn’t get picked, and she expresses disappointment over not being able to show Ben her “fun” and “romantic” sides - i.e. her left and right breasts. But then I see her later on the date, so one of us clearly misunderstood the date card.

Back to this miserable one-on-one for a second. Ben tells the Southern alcoholic that it’s OK that she was married before because she was “young” - she seems legitimately shocked, as if she had never before considered this. As soon as the light bulb in her brain gets turned on though, Ben gives her the rose and it promptly turns off. They begin sloppily tonguing each others mouths, and I had to start fast forwarding.

Ah - preview for the date coming up after the commercial. So much screaming. My ears are bleeding. Some awful Honda commercial comes on where this girl is telling her boyfriend she wants a baby. Honda knows its target market. Well done. I almost forgot we had actually cut to commercial.

On to the next date. Ben waits for the ladies outside of some ramshackle baseball stadium to “play with his balls a little ball.” The women make note of how there is no jewelry on this date. They also note that Puerto Rico is “known” for baseball and claim that having a baseball date in Puerto Rico is way better than doing something that involves diamonds. And my suspicions about a teleprompter are confirmed. Ben seems distracted at the beginning of the date by his hair and tight shorts. The women are distracted by each other’s neon attire and the attractive baseball player giving them “lessons” - I vote for them leaving Ben there and taking the baseball player home. His shirt says “Gigante” on it - like, hello… Then, O.M.G., Chris Harrison shows up. I think this is a first. I’m immediately so much happier. I think we should make him the next Bachelor. That is, until he reveals himself to be a catty bitch. He tells them, “We’re having this ah-mayyy-zing party, but half of you aren’t invited. Natch.” Ben agrees that this is an awesome, not-at-all drama-inducing idea. Chris then explains that one woman will play for both teams and thus will be guaranteed an invite to the super shibby beach party. As such, I was sure Ben would pick Nose Piercing. But, no. He picked Horsey. Hooters starts getting a little anxious and explains that she wants to win so badly she can taste it. I’m pretty sure she thinks “playing ball” has something to do with Ben’s groin area.

This game is, like, “CRAZY COMPETITIVE,” says the girl who’s now spoken for about 34 seconds on the show. I mean, obviously it’s, like, super intense because the girls have eye black on their faces. You know they wouldn’t mess up their makeup if it wasn’t for hardcore competition true love. Ben looks even more like a man-child in his baseball outfit, as if he’s attempting to recreate the poster for the movie Jack. It isn’t even fitted or sexy. It’s just loose and baggy and unappealing, like he bought it from a costume store that only had a size XL. Kacie B. starts to get a little wound up, and her crazy starts to reveal itself. She starts screaming “Bitches!” as mascara and eye black run down her cheeks. The baseball started getting really boring - I can’t watch more than a couple of innings of real baseball on TV, so I was definitely not committing myself to 25 minutes of Bachelor baseball. Especially when these women are talking about things like “the agony of defeat” and Ben compares the Blue Team’s loss to losing the World Series.

When her team loses, Hooters starts crying and says, “It sucks that I’m feeling so strongly for someone that I’ve only spent a small amount of time with.” No, dear, that doesn’t “suck.” It’s just an ill-advised decision that makes you look deranged. Several women make mention, through their tears, of how “precious” time with Ben is, and I just wish that one of them would use her “precious, precious time with him” to give him a bath. And not in a sexy way, either (not trying to give Courtney more ideas).

Oh my god, I’m not even halfway through this episode.

The “romantic” half group date gets underway. Courtney has a moment where she seems genuinely nice as she describes how beautiful the setting is - but then she immediately switches back to bitchiness when she mocks the “losers” and imitates them crying on the bus ride home. Really? A bus? That’s just absurd. I know Puerto Rico might not be the most luxurious place, but I think ABC could have sent the girls home in something nicer than a prison bus. I actually think there were bars on the windows. Though in about three episodes, ABC will probably need to cart a girl, or multiple girls, off to the asylum jail in a bus like that. Hopefully after said girl(s) hack Courtney up with a machete. Courtney starts talking about girls being “annoying,” “hot messes.” Homegirl, please. Until you keep your mouth closed for five minutes and tweeze your eyebrows, you’re going to have to decide if you want to be the pot or the kettle.

Ben and Kacie B. have some alone time. Ben describes his former relationships as being “interesting.” Like a bad dye job. Or an unfortunate Christmas sweater. Meanwhile, the “losers” go home and whine a lot. The PhD student looks like she’s about to vomit as she says, “So, we’re back here to hang out with….you guys.” Kacie B. gets interviewed about connecting with Ben on a “serious” level. Because hearing about his “interesting” prior relationships is, like, so deep. Sorry, sweetie, but your talk was not nearly as serious as your Jheri curl. Ben gives her the date rose because she “listens” to him - i.e. her brain doesn’t work fast enough for her to be an active participant in the conversation.

Courtney gets all pissy, of course, and says Ben needs a “woman,” not a “girl” like Kacie B. And she’s probably right. He clearly needs a Mommy. Because he’s approximately 12-years-old. So she takes him for a walk on the beach. In her acrylic heels. Yes, this is the girl who had the audacity to describe Hooters as a “stripper” during the baseball game. Annnnnd here comes the skinny dipping we’ve all been waiting for. The music leading up to this moment was incredible. Very intense. Oh wait. Nevermind. Ben pusses out - for now. But we do get some Courtney side-boob action. Gross.

Anyway, the date ends and Jerseylicious gets the next one-on-one. I’m bored already. Who is this girl? Did she just come back from a one-night-stand with The Situation? Also, why is she crying? Why did she give up her job to be here? I’m so disgusted. Fast forward. She has really ugly luggage, by the way.

My DVR totally crapped out at this point. It began to shuffle through the remainder of the episode like a sign from the heavens that I should not be watching The Bachelor. Unfortunately Thankfully, however, it was available online by the time I made it this far. But I was really tired. So I fast forwarded through most of the rest.

The date with Jerseylicious looked super boring. And, for the first time, a girl does not receive the one-on-one date rose. That’s right. Jerseylicious gets sent home. She acts surprised, but really, if Ben doesn’t give you any one-on-one time until Episode 5, you have to know he really does not give a shit about you. But keep telling yourself you’re “successful” when you go home and have no job. No wonder they showed us a close-up of her ugly, quilted luggage earlier…

When Ben returns home from his date, there’s Courtney creepily waiting for him outside of his hotel room. Which will be similar to what she does before she bludgeons him to death. Unsurprisingly, Ben doesn’t really take her creepiness poorly and, in fact, finally agrees to go skinny dipping with her. I’m sure they played just-the-tip and paintbrush. I was so disgusted by this encounter that I had to fast forward to the rose ceremony.

Courtney has some scary, Cruel Intentions slash Bad Girls Club-like comments (“You better check yourself, bitch.”). The PhD student continues to defy logic and lessons from all the prior Bachelor seasons by ragging on Courtney right to Ben’s face (like, hello dumb-dumb, he just got it in with her, he is not going to listen to you). But she doesn’t get kicked off. Shockingly, the accountant does. In my opinion, she was the only one who seemed to really like Ben and not just the idea of “winning,” (except for maybe Kacie B.) and they seemed to have chemistry and fun together (relatively speaking) even if she was a little weird and awkward at times. But Ben clearly has no idea what’s good for him. I mean, he proposed to Ashley.

The end. I’m off to find a tub of cookie dough and a tranquilizer gun.

P.S. Is anyone surprised by the title of this recap? That was probably the second best Bachelor quote ever.

P.P.S. Ben writes a travel guide on ABC’s website. No joke.

Is this the Saddest Thing in the World?

As a child living in a suburban gated community, I was surrounded by “soccer moms.”  I hate that term, as many of these women’s children didn’t even play soccer, but it is what it is.  I would have to lump my mother into that category because - even though she worked part-time from home - her life largely revolved around mine.  She was an extremely hands-on parent - in a good way.  She spent hours every day reviewing the multiplication table with me; going through my spelling words; shuttling me to and from school, piano lessons, and sleepovers; etc.  When she wasn’t keeping my schedule in order though, she had a very active social life with the other “soccer moms.”  They regularly held Tupperware, Pampered Chef, Mary Kay, and Avon parties.  Once, there was even a sex toy party held at my home that got a bit out of hand (think 32- to 35-year-old women vomiting in our downstairs bathroom).  They had a Bunco league, loved to play practical jokes on one another, and would have group outings that included drunk bowling and dinner at Hooters.  Despite their “soccer mom” monikers, they were a bunch of rowdy, entertaining ladies.

However, there was one thing that an alarming number of these women had in common that (A) situates them squarely into that “soccer mom” stereotype and (B) I now find deeply disturbing.  Many of them owned these horrible, oversized t-shirts with cartoon bikinis printed on the front and back.  Thinking back on this “fashion trend,” I have come to the conclusion that these t-shirts are the saddest things in the world.  Becoming a suburban “soccer mom” is less than ideal (at least in my opinion), but you certainly don’t have to completely give in to that stereotype, even if your lifestyle lends itself to its application - and I would say that most of those women did not.  This shirt, however, represents the ultimate acceptance of the worst elements of that stereotype, and when I think about some of these awesome, hilarious women wearing shirts like this, I just feel sad and deflated.  And if I feel that way as another woman and as an outsider to their lives, think how their husbands must feel.  When your wife trades this…

for this…

do you feel as though your relationship has sort of - or completely - fizzled out?  That passion and excitement are on their respective death beds?  By no means do I think women need to “dress up” for their husbands all the time, or that passion can’t exist without superficial trappings.  However, going to the extreme of actually making a choice to buy this horribly unflattering t-shirt is like mocking your husband.  It’s basically telling him that you don’t care about looking “sexy,” “hot,” or the like - and, really, that’s just kind of a huge slap in the face. 

As a side note - I used candid photos of Real Housewives in order to portray “Before,” as I didn’t think it would be at all fair to compare real-life housewives to sexy, twenty-something-year-old models or even to Housewives who had been airbrushed for a magazine.

I Would Have Been an Ideal Bachelor Contestant at Age Ten

Ask anyone who knows me and they’ll confirm it - I’m a little “boy crazy.” Not so much in the sense that I’m always going out and hooking up with guys, commenting on whether or not guys are attractive, or eye-fucking dudes at the bar or on the street. Rather, I always find myself having a serious crush, or a boyfriend, or a friend with benefits that I’m trying to mold into a boyfriend. I fall in “love” easily. Not real love, mind you, but deep infatuation that’s close enough to love such that we can just call it that for the sake of simplicity. I’ve only known real, true love once, but I really like the people who I like at all.

In any case - while perusing my childhood diaries, I was a bit shocked at how lifelong my fixation on boys has been. It really started in second grade with my crush on a boy named T.G., but the first serious interest was in B.L., which started in fourth grade and extended until seventh or eighth grade. Since then, it’s basically been a revolving door of boys and men. Not really by choice - I’d happily settle down with one (not marry, at least right now), but my relationships haven’t lasted for more than two years since high school, and once one is over, I’m onto the next within a few months.

Below, I’ve provided excerpts from my diary entries that describe my feelings for various guys, give “love” and relationship advice, and generally exhibit how ridiculous I am (or was, let’s go with “was,” that’s more flattering). Some of these entries make me feel like I would have fit right in as a contestant on The Bachelor at age ten. I apologize that some are on the lengthy side, but I find them too amusing to condense.

Childhood Impressions of How Relationships Work - January 6, 1995

“Mom worked had today. Dad sent Mom flowers today.”

As far as I’m concerned, at least based on my current understanding of how relationships work, these two sentences do not represent causation or correlation.

Blossoming Love, Soon to be Forgotten - May 13, 1998 

“I found out that [J.A.] likes me as his closest girl as a friend (at least one of them). I love love love love love love love love love him so much. He does not know. Someday I will tell him.”

This is the first example of how I (A) overinflate/overestimate my feelings for guys and (B) Develop feelings even when the other person clearly does not reciprocate them (I’m excited over being just one of his closest female friends, really?).

New Romance - January 3, 1999

“I got over my crush on [J.A.]. I know (sic) love love love love love love love lovelove [B.L.], even though he is 13 and I am only 10. I think he might really like me a little. If not, at least we are friends.”

Here’s where I began to (A) Go after older men and (B) Settle for less than what I want in the hopes that the circumstances will change (by the way, they never do).

I Just Can’t Shake This Lovin’ Feelin’ - June 1999 to November 2000

June 18, 1999: “I am extremely, very, a lot in love with [B.L.] He is soooo dreamy. He is also extremely handsome with brown hair and very tan skin. He is really nice to me and he is funny by being really sarcastic and judgemental (sic). I really wish I had the nerve to tell him that I love him even though he is 13 and I am 10. Oh well, if I never tell him I love him, we are still really good friends.”

I guess this is where my trend of picking snarky, i.e. douchy, guys who don’t actually have feelings for me began

July 30, 1999: “Tonight I went and said goodbye to my beloved, [B.L.]. I even got to hug him. But, it was a juevenille (sic) kidish hug so it doesn’t count! I really like him and it is too bad that I didn’t tell him or that he doesn’t feel the same way I do. Oh well!”

Ah yes, I am always so cavalier about “heartbreak” and tend to just put it back on myself. Also, the gall of a ten-year-old describing anything as “juvenile.” My lord…

October 24, 1999: “I still LOVE my darling, [B.L.]

February 22, 2000: “Oh yeah, ____ ____ ____ of ____ ____ ____ and ____ getting married. Isn’t that funny?”

Can you believe it? I actually self-censored. I crossed all of those words out so well that there is no chance of making them out now. But, I have a feeling I can fill in the blanks pretty accurately.

March 7, 2000: “I made a play on the computer today about [B.L.] and me…It’s cool!”

No, it’s not cool. It’s not cool at all. This is probably the last point in life where you can get away with being this creepy.

November 19, 2000: “Let me tell you about my love, [B.L.]. He’s 5’10”, brown spikey hair, hazel eyes, great smile, tan, extremely funny, 15 years old, lives in Indiana, has 1 brother, 1 dog, nice, charming, handsome, suave. I could go on and on. Now don’t think I’m one of those phyco (sic) girls who would hurl themselves off a bridge if he got hurt. I just like him a lot…he’s so cool.”

It’s funny that I felt the need to qualify my ramblings on “love.” I clearly knew I was acting like a psycho.

November 20, 2000: “I told [B.L.] that he was my best friend. I wish he was my bf. He’s so hot!”

First preview of how superficial I can be.

November 21, 2000: “[B.L.] is SOOO HOT! I wish he was mine!”

The superficiality continues.

I Have Love ADD - June 2000 to February 2001

[NO DATE]: “SORRY Newsbreak! Title: Crushes & Guys. Last night I went to [a Christmas party] and [S.H.] and [V.H.] were there. We had fun. I AM IN LOVE WITH [V.H.]! He’s kinda cute, he has braces, glasses (not dorky), dark brown hair, tan skin, and brown eyes. They invited me to come watch a movie with them…and I said yes…after [S.H.] fell asleep…[V.H.] walked me to the elevator. I WISH HE WOULD HAVE KISSED ME! Then there’s [B.L.]. I was talking with him today and he found out about my dad [being gay] and it was like a love scene from Sweet Valley. AAHH! I love him too (well neither love but crushes). THEN! There’s [D.G.]. He’s cute with blue eyes and blond hair and he can be really sweet and funny when he wants to…I’M CONFUSED!”

It’s like a love scene from Sweet Valley? Didn’t one twin’s boyfriend cheat on her with the other twin? Didn’t some girl get date raped? Didn’t the “artsy” girl get crushed during an earthquake only to have her “popular” boyfriend watch her die? Great comparison.

December 19, 2000: “Oh diary, I’m still in a pickle. I know [D.G.] will probably never be the one for me, and neither will [B.L.], but I’m still hung up on [B.L.] and [V.H.]. I love them just as much, except [B.L.]’s a tad better looking, so to solve it, I’m going to make a girl characteristic quiz and send it to them and then see who describes me the most…P.S. I’m soooo embarrassed that I talk about [B.L.] so much because I don’t wanna sound like some obsessed stalker. Extra note - I don’t love either of them.”

I’m still in a pickle because (A) Probably only one day has gone by since the last entry and (B) I’m an idiot. Also, glad to see that I’m starting to understand that these “crushes” are not love and that I sound straight crazy. By the way - I did NOT send that “quiz,” thank god.

December 20, 2000: “[B.L.] Pros and Cons. Pros: cute, funny, is super nice to me, shares secrets with me, only 2 grades older. Cons: lives far away, doesn’t love me (actually, I don’t know). [V.H.] Pros and Cons. Pros: really nice and funny, lives close, only 2 grades older, has a sister who’s my friend, HAS A CRUSH ON ME! Cons: has girlfriend (?), semi-cute. If he got hair cut and dyed, got clothes from AF, would be awesome! So, [V.H.] is better, but I still really like [B.L.].”

There are such serious problems with these lists, the least of which is my desire for a man to dress in clothes from Abercrombie & Fitch. “Doesn’t love me” and “Has girlfriend” are not “Cons,” they are deal breakers (if love was actually a factor here, at least).

January 15, 2001: “I’m totally in love with this 37 (looks 27) year old Spanish (close-Latin) actor (Julia Roberts’ boyfriend) who was a star in the best (and funniest) movie ever. It also starred Sandra Bullok (sic) [Miss Congeniality]! SHOW TO MY KIDS ONE DAY!”

January 19, 2001: “[B.L.] is sending me a pic. He better be hot because I LIKE HIM A LOT! I wish someone would hurry up and come kiss me. I really wonder what it’s like, of course it would have to be [B.L.] or [D.G.]”

What an attitude. For a girl who was an ugly duckling and had never been kissed, demanding that anyone be hot or having preferences as to her first kiss is a bit ridiculous.

February ?, 2001: “I kinda got caught up in something and forgot about [B.L.]. I gotta be charming when I see him! OH GOSH (hehe). I REALLY WISH HE LIKED ME!”

How quickly my “love” wavered.

Commentary on Relationships and Other Sage Advice - June 1999 to November 2000

June 17, 1999: “I think my dad is gay but he married a woman because society does not accept gay people.”

I would still say this, but obviously I now “know,” and the acceptance bit is a past tense thing/the motivation for his decision-making in the past.

July 30, 1999: “…here is some food for thought:

How To Tell If a Boy Likes You

(1) He’s even more annoying than usual

(2) He acts differently around you than other girls

(3) A boy who is nice is nicer”

Where did I get this advice from? The Disney Channel? Lizzy McGuire? Sure, #2 and #3 are probably accurate - but here’s a big fuck you to any guy who tries to pull #1 and expects me to take that as a good sign.

June 18, 2000: “[Classmate] and I started becoming less friends…All [she] cares about is…impossible loves with older actors (and ugly ones) like C. Thomas Howell and Frankie Muniz (BLAH!)”

Apparently, I am a bit of a hypocrite. I am the first to get so wrapped up in a guy that I let my friendships suffer as a result. I’m such a bitch.

November 19, 2000: “[B.L.] is 15 and I’m only 12, but age shouldn’t matter as long as he doesn’t take advantage of me”

I still wholeheartedly agree with this assessment, though the age gap thing has proven more problematic as an adult than I would have imagined.

“I almost just want to rip her head off and verbally assault her.”

Each week, despite my one-time disdain for and disgust over InterventionThe Bachelor, I find myself watching the show and live-tweeting my reactions.  As such, I thought it was high time to provide a recap of one of these crazy episodes.  I’m not sure I can bear to make this a weekly blog entry, but last night’s episode was just so out of control that this needed to happen.  It’s basically my way of coping with how scared I am after watching this show - even after I fast forward through two-thirds of it.

In any case, last night’s episode began with Ben Flaj-a-neliak, whatever, and his gaggle of semi-retarded, semi-attractive, brainwashed groupies going….somewhere.  They are always going somewhere.  This time I think it was Utah.  Which is fitting because Ben is bascially some kind of polygamist cult leader, and these women are about two episodes away from donning Little House on the Prairie dresses and braiding each other’s hair.  I really can’t understand why ABC feels the need to fly these women all over the world and pay for Ben to take them on highly elaborate, extremely expensive dates. 

(A) That’s not at all what a real-life relationship with Ben would be like, so ABC is just setting the relationships and thus the show up for inevitable failure once the cameras stop rolling.  

(B) These women have proven that they would happily frolic around in manure if it meant getting a cheap, already dying rose from the ever-so-greasy Ben, so why does ABC bother spending any money away on these dates?

In any case, the cute, husky-voiced, blond-haired chick with the tragic nose ring got to go on the first one-on-one date.  This girl is from New York and definitely looks like she’s gotten it on with another girl at some point, one who probably could have passed for a guy if you squinted a little bit.  So taking her on a canoeing date seems ill-advised (or maybe perfect?).  But whatever.  Ben has proven to me thus far in the season that he could not give two shits about the girls’ personalities as he picks dates for them to go on (ha, what am I saying - we all know Chris Harrison is picking these dates).

Anyway, they go on their little outing.  I fast forwarded through half of it.  Though I periodically stopped to hear the girls back at the house bitch and struggle to hold back their tears.  Ben and Nose Piercing have dinner, and Ben looks like he’s absolutely disgusted by her.  His facial expressions read like “Are you sure you’re a woman?  What is going on with your nose?  Are you a smoker?  Why do your eyes keep bugging out when you talk?  Why are you wearing so much eyeliner.”  I’m thinking this girl is going home, fo’ sho’.  Especially after she gives Ben some bullshit speech about how she has a hard time communicating, being honest, opening up, etc. - basically, she lacks all of the attributes that are required for a healthy, long-lasting relationship.  But because Ben has shown that he has absolute shit taste in women (Ashley, Courtney, etc.), he becomes elated by this admission and gives her the sad, likely diseased date rose.  Nose Piercing goes home, bitches are totally surprised she’s still there, and everyone puts on a fake happy face - except of course Courtney, who literally looks like she has feces spread all over her upper lip 96% of the time.

The next day, an alarmingly large group of girls goes on a fishing date with Ben.  Another nature date.  Cool.  This isn’t boring and monotonous at all.  Also, I have to wonder - is this some bizarre hunter/gatherer mating ritual held over from our Neanderthal days that Ben is trying to revive?  “If you catch me fish, I make you wife.”  Something like that?  These girls are all so obviously pissed that they’re wading around in a creek and that the humidity is making their hair look like shit (as if most of their hair didn’t already look like shit - but thank the lord baby Jeuss that someone was finally allowed to touch up their roots on this episode).  Within five minutes of donning their fly fishing gear, they all take on this expression of having been lobotomized.  Which I think Ben would probably be into (“Oh, you’re so limp and quiet.  Neat.  I’m going to make my move.  I love pathetic, submissive women.”)

Kacie B. (the spelling of her name is such a problem) ups her Southern charm act, which is actually fairly effective at hiding how unintelligent and stalkerish she is (let’s not forget, she said in her first interview in EPISODE ONE that she was falling for Ben and that they would be great together because they’ve both gone through “things”), and gets Ben to help her catch a fish (they fail).  Ben pretends to be helping her with the fishing, but you can tell he’s just thinking about controlling his boner (he essentially admits this later on the group date).

Of course, Courtney decides this is her moment to steal Ben away.  They go off together and actually manage to catch a fish.  Ben and Courtney both look overjoyed (“You make good wife.  You bring food to family.”), but Courtney’s facial expression returns to that horrible look of sinister plotting the very moment Ben turns away to grab the fish.  She makes him kiss it, and you can tell how much she enjoys the fact that his mouth has to touch that slimy, dirty fish - it is so painfully obvious that she has zero feelings for Ben and that she would be the girl who wins the competition and then murders him.

More things happen, the group goes back to whatever resort they’re staying at (which is definitely not as nice as ABC’s lighting and floral arrangements make it appear to be), and do things.  Mostly drink and hang out in the pool.  The usual.  I mean, all I ever want is to be cold, damp, and drunk - duh.  Girls talk to Ben.  They get all giddy - probably because the fact that Ben’s hair is wet disguises how filthy and greasy it is - and they say things like “I’m falling for him” and “I’m scared by how strong my feelings for Ben are.”  Yes, you should be scared.  Because it makes you look straight crazy.  And when you undoubtedly get sent home, you’re going to be really scared by how few romantic prospects you have now that dudes know you’re a crazy, stage-five clinger.  Let’s be real girls.  The overwhelming majority of you will go home without a rose and will then have to pick up the pieces of your pre-Bachelor lives.  And being on this embarrassing show is going to make that exceptionally difficult.  Being on The Bachelor is bad for women the same way that our wedding boards on Pinterest are bad - it provides men with alarmingly clear insight into how nuts we are.  They don’t have to think we’re crazy or wonder whether or not we’re crazy - they now have proof.

Anyway, former beauty queen and resident alcoholic Samantha makes the unwise decision to pull Ben away from a make-out session (I think) to have a “chat.”  And there is no attempt on her part to sugarcoat what she wants to say - or maybe there was, but the alcohol had other plans.  In any case, she blurts out, “I want one-on-one time.  I deserve that.  Why are you only bringing me on group dates?  What does that mean?”  Ben looks horrified, as he is not into strong, assertive women raving lunatic alcoholics.  He says to her, “I don’t think you’ve earned a one-on-one date based on your behavior on the group dates” - i.e. you’re always hammered drunk and it’s just sloppy and embarrassing and I don’t want to play babysitter to you on a one-on-one date.  He then informs her that this is going nowhere and she needs to leave right now.  She sits there looking dumb stunned for a moment.  Clearly, no guy has ever told her to leave.  Usually, they just leave her in the middle of the night.  She creepily begins licking her lips and chuckling.  Her tongue motions are terrifying.  She looks like she has a five-pound weight attached to her tongue.  She then starts to cry - like every other time we see her on this show - and Ben sends her away.  She doesn’t even get an interview in the car.  Unless I fast forwarded through that.

Courtney then takes this moment where Ben is feeling a twinge of guilt, or some other human emotion, to whine to him about how hard this process is and how insecure it makes her.  Instead of reacting like a normal guy - “Wow, you’re a whiny bitch.  I’m sending you home too.” - Ben dons his Bachelor superhero cape and says “I need to reassure her.”  As such, he gives her the date rose.  She looks elated for a split second, but - of course - as soon as Ben turns away to rub some olive oil and bacon grease on his hair, that sickening look of pure evil returns to her face.

More things happen.  Ben then takes the maroon-haired accountant on a date.  She is prettier under ABC’s lighting than the light of the sun.  I have a feeling she might be the craziest one of the bunch but is just really effective at keeping it under wraps.  Ben takes her hiking.  Surprise.  And then they find a “No Trespassing” sign.  Naturally, that’s where the date is taking place (ABC can do anything).  They hop a fence and approach a huge crater in the ground with scary barbed wire and caution tape all around it.  NBD.  Looks like a swell place for a date.  This is where I had a revelation.  Ben is probably the next Ted Bundy (though he isn’t even that charming or attractive).  I mean, look at him.  The limp, dirty hair.  The lack of any real human emotions.  The strange tinge of joy in his voice when he says things like “And then she told me how much this process was tearing her apart.”  Throw some oversized glasses on this dude and he is a 1970’s sociopathic serial killer.  So he takes the accountant down into this hole for a swim and a bit of tongue action, though he is clearly preoccupied by thoughts of taking someone here later and killing him or her.  Hey, sometimes you just have to kill two birds with one stone (ha, pun) - get your date over with and stake out your next kill spot.

Anyway, Ben and the accountant hang out, kiss, and have some insipid conversations.  I fast forwarded through most of this.  He gives her a rose.  Not sure why, although he’s given everyone a rose on his one-on-one dates.  She looks like she’s going to cry, pee her pants, and puke all at once.  They go to some concert being attended solely by paid ABC extras.  She goes home.  Bitches are pissed that she’s still there, but she’s probably the “nicest” - at least for now - so they mostly don’t give her any shit.

Lots of other things happened on this episode, but it’s really hard to condense two hours into a manageable recap - even when you watch the whole episode in under 35 minutes.  So, let’s just skip to the rose ceremony where the drama erupted.

Courtney has been a disgusting c*nt throughout this episode, and the girls are roughly one episode away from forming a lynch mob and killing her.  She says all kinds of awful, shockingly bitchy things that you think only screenwriters can come up with to try and make everyone feel like crap.  Really - and I wish the other girls realized this - her behavior just shows how absolutely insecure she is.  If she was as confident as she claims to be and if she really felt like she had an awesome connection with Ben, she wouldn’t need to tear the other girls down.  I think her behavior toward the other girls also demonstrates how fake her connection with Ben is - she’s only in this for the “win,” so I’m sure she worries that she might give herself away and lose her chance at reality TV glory. 

The PhD student, who is clearly not getting her doctoral degree in interpersonal relationships (or maybe she is and the problem is just that Courtney and Ben aren’t really humans), decides to go to Ben and tell him what an evil troll Courtney is.  He basically tells her “Fuck you.  Courtney is hot.  Next week, I’m going to bone her.  If you mess with my game any further, you’re out.  Because I know you’re not putting out.” 

She cries and whines to the other girls.  Of course, one of them runs and tells Courtney what happened - it’s that one girl who has opened her mouth for a grand total of about 27 seconds on this show, so I’m sure Chris Harrison directed her to do this.  Courtney goes on a tirade where she says things like, “I don’t start fights, I finish them” (did I just switch over to Mob Wives?) and “I almost just want to rip her head off and verbally assault her. Or shave her eyebrows off in the middle of the night.”  I’d pick the former.  The PhD student barely has any eyebrows as it is - she won’t miss them much.

Girls cry, everyone is unhappy.  Probably because Ben looks filthy and is wearing a tie so skinny it gives the bolo tie a run for its money.  He hands out roses.  The PhD student gets the last rose as a weird form of passive aggressive punishment for trying to save Ben from Courtney (who I really believe will murder him if she wins this show).  A big-boned, older looking girl goes home.  She cries in the car.  But she’ll be really happy in, like, two seconds when she no longer has to worry about Ben’s hair grease staining her clothing.

The end.  Now, I’m going to go douche my eyes with Summer’s Eve and drink a wine cooler to forgot about the train wreck that was this episode.

The Social Awkwardness Continues

Yesterday, I received a text that read “stole your doughnut date idea.”   To explain this, we have to rewind a few weeks.

When the Yale Nerd (from “Synesthesia, and Other First Date Nonsense”) and I were first talking about getting together, I proposed that we check out the Doughnut Plant in Chelsea.   I love doughnuts and thought this would be the perfect way to hang out in a very low-key setting.  Ultimately though, we decided to do something else, as I was feeling a little “rotund” that day and didn’t think I needed a doughnut.  

So after our date (i.e. torture session) went completely sideways, this guy apparently decided to take some other girl on that doughnut date instead.  Which is A-OK with me - I hope he finds someone who shares his particular viewpoints on synesthesia and parenting.  However, the fact that he felt it necessary to share with me that he “stole” my idea just goes to show how awkward and immature this individual is.

Bullet = Dodged.

Childhood Diaries

This morning, while looking for a charger for the phone I used before finally getting an iPhone 3GS in 2009, I found all of my childhood diaries (let me just be real for a second, I was only searching for the charger so I could torture myself by looking at look at old text messages sent to me by someone very important at the point in time when he was becoming very important).  Before I moved to New York, my mother forced me to box up the things I wanted to save from my room in New Orleans because the rest would be sent to Goodwill (I can’t even begin to describe the fight that ensued from this prompt, but I did convince her to hang on to a few critical items for me, such as the nightlight I turned on every single night before bed until the age of 9 or 10).  As such, I have been storing a number of diaries, photo albums, and the like in my closet for the past year and eight months.

Now, it’s not as though I’ve never read any of these diaries since writing in them, it’s just that I normally flip through, have a bit of a laugh at my handwriting and childhood crushes, and then put them away.  Today though, I actually read through all of them - and I was shocked that it was actually me who had written them.  Honestly.  I was the happiest child.  I have vague memories of this, but once my family unit sort of fell apart, we moved to New Orleans and started a new life, etcetera, I grew to be so reserved, pessimistic, jaded, and cynical that I largely forgot what I was like before that period of turmoil.  To be fair, I was never much into journaling (until now, apparently), so my entries all tend to be short - and this may lend itself to a rosier picture than was actually the case.  But still, the number of times I say “fun” and “happy” is hilarious.  I’d like to present a few examples (with original grammar, spelling, and sentence structure): 

January 1, 1995: “[Friend’s Mom] called me and said I could come over and sleep.  I had a loose loose tooth!!!!!  We had fun with…the dog and I had fun with [Friend].  Later I pulled my tooth out.  I am happy I got one dollar.”

January 2, 1995: “I watched Return of Jafar with Dad.  I played Go Fish with Mom.  I had fun.  I made snowflakes.”

January 8, 1995: “We went to church.  I loved my 1st grade class…Mom and I had dinner at [Friend - no “‘s house”].  [Friend] and I danced a lot.” - Now, I really hate Christianity (this is fine and won’t change) and dislike most people, so the part about loving my class is sort of funny to me.

January 9, 1995: “I made Dad a birthday card.  I had a good day at school.”

January 10, 1995: “To-day my dad turned 36…We danced and sang and had fun…I gave him a sweater vest.  I had a good day.” - Thinking of my dad at age 36, particularly wearing a sweater vest, is adorable.

January 11, 1995: “hi.  are you good?  I am good.  I hope Dad and Mom are good”

June 3, 1995: “I had my dinosauru [???] party at school.  It was fun.  and all my friends had fun too.”

September 30, 1995: “hi today it is my birthay.  I am turning 7.  I get a limeozen.  It will be fun…ADDED LATER.  Taylar had a great B-day.  Especially because she was with her friends.”

June 22, 1996: “When my mom and dad get home I’m going to a BBQ.  I hope it is fun.  I think it will be because there will be a lot of kids.”

June 24, 1996: “I had a very fun day.  I went to camp at my school today.  Today we read about a turtle.  And then we made a projcet (sic).  It was fun.  When I got home me and [Friend] played barbies.  Then…I went to a baseball game.  It was fun.”

November 8, 1996: “Today was cool!!  I am freaked.  When I was up-stairs and I heard a growl. Then I turned around and saw three scratches on a door.” - Always had an active imagination…

May 18, 1997: “I had an o.k. day.  The pool opened…finally.  But I could only get in the shallow end up to my neck.  And thats because my mom say I had the comin cold and said that because I for once didn’t get sick yet this school year and you get an awarded for it.  So she doesn’t want me to get sicker and miss school.  The good thing was I got a tan [ah yes, childhood vanity] and had a grill out.  I got a potato chip that looks like Elvis and I gave it to my dad and he said, Elvis…(by the way dad isn’t a fan of Elvis) and he stuffed it in his [mouth?] like a lunatic.  He is real serious.  He never did that before!!  I love my family.”

Even the less “gleeful” entires are still pretty cute and tinged with positivity - they aren’t wrought with horrible self-pitying despair like a journal entry written by me today might be prone to:

January 3, 1995: “Today I had a bad day.  On my first day back to school I got hit on the head with a ball.  My foot was stepped on.   I had a good lunch.  [Friend] gave me and my class cupcakes.  My dad gave me a surprise.” - Really?  Well, the way to my heart remains food and gifts.  But still - to go from “I had a bad day” to “I had a good lunch” is a pretty hysterical leap.  

March 24, 1997: “Today was pretty good.  Exsept the insedent at P.E. because of [Classmate] Fart Head.  She tells on all the girls for nothing we did to her.  I hate her!!  I like writing in you it calms me down.  Guess what?  I’m watching the Oscars, also known as the academy awards” - Another hilarious segue from “hatred” to excitement.

March ?, 1997: Today was a very bad day because I had to see two movies [really?].  One was good.  The other one was bad because it was about a stupid woman with lokimium.” - I just can’t…

January 1, 2000: “It’s the year 2000!  We went to 4 parties…It was fun until at the 4th party [Friend] hit my shirt with a sparkler and burnt a hole in it.  The shirt is like $30.00 from the GAP and it was the 1st time I wore it…Well, I gotta go.  Love ya!”

February ?, 2000: “Today, in science, little miss [Classmate], hippie girl with cheap clothing that’s too small and stringy hair that hasn’t been cut in a year, barfed one foot away from me…Isn’t that nasty?  I almost got sick from seeing it.  On a much lighter note, I GOT THE BABY-G [watch]!  I’m soooo happy!!!!”

Really, why am I not like this now?  Nothing that happens in my life that I deem to be “bad” is really all that devastating or life-altering.  I just choose to dwell on the negativity.  And, really, I could just as easily choose to be positive.

There was a period of time during my sophomore year in college where I made the decision to be “happy” - I’ve always thought happiness is primarily a choice.  And it worked.  Things were not great at that time (backstabbing friends, cheating boyfriends, and such), but I just remember being very carefree.  To the point that people were actually asking me what the hell was wrong with me (that’s kind of sick, no?).  I recently heard someone describing that if you choose to be positive and habituate the positive, your brain actually starts working differently and in a way that reinforces positivity because it like the habituation.  I can’t recall if the speaker had any authority to be saying these things, but I’d like to believe this is possible.  So, it’ll be my new goal.

Next up - love and relationships with Taylar in the late 1990’s, early aughties.

Déjà Vu

A few months ago, I wrote a post titled “I Think We Have Too Many Street Fairs,” in which I commented on the absurdity of having so many obnoxious, cheesy fairs around the city that only serve to block traffic, create a good deal of noise, and perpetuate the sale of ambiguously new socks.  In that post though, I mentioned my amusement at a man who also happened to be walking through a street fair on a Sunday afternoon and had the most ridiculous hairdo ever.  I even provided a photo of his hair styling and overly tight wardrobe, in which a large cross-like object and an unidentified tome could be seen.

Well, wouldn’t you know, I saw this guy on the subway over the weekend.  I was shocked.  I have only run into someone I know on the street twice in two years, and the only other people I see in public and recognize are a couple (an older man and a young, pretty girl - kind of icky) and a middle-aged Asian women that happen to cross my path on a regular basis as I make my way to work. 

In any case, on the subway, I was able to get a better look at the man’s cross and “unidentified tome,” which gave me a better understanding of what he’s all about.  His hair may be dank, but his “message” is a little disturbing.  He was pacing up and down the subway car holding a large, mirrored cross while yelling about his search for an “angel” - i.e. a young, attractive girl, specifically under the age of 18.  Clearly, this guy is a psycho and probably a chimo.

Why can’t I see someone cool or attractive more than once in the city rather than a straight crazy?

Synesthesia, and Other First Date Nonsense

Though I have never been single for longer than three or four months, I’ve been on surprisingly few “first dates.”  Sure, in the most nominal sense, I’ve had a first date with every person I’ve ever been in any type of relationship with that spans beyond a hook-up.  However, when I say “first date,” I’m really referring to the first time you ever spend with another person - this is in contrast to how most of my prior relationships have begun, which is to say that I’ve usually known my boyfriends through mutual friends or shared social circles before we’ve actually become an item and started going on dates.  First dates in the sense that I’m referring to are absolutely horrible.  They are anxiety-inducing and prone to ending disastrously.  I can honestly say I’ve only had two good first dates.  A few months ago, I wrote about a pretty awful first date, but I didn’t know what “awful” really was back then.  Nowadays, I do.  Below are snippets of conversation from the most tragic, horrendous date I could ever imagine.  They speak for themselves.

PART ONE

Yale Nerd: I don’t really understand, watch, or enjoy football.  If I don’t do something myself, I just can’t care about it.

Me: Do you go to or like movies?

Yale Nerd: Sure.

Me: You’re not an actor though.

Yale Nerd: That’s true.

PART TWO

Yale Nerd: As I’ve gotten older, I’ve actually gotten less social.  My senior year of college, I joined the chess club, and now, I go out with my friends and talk about simple math and do math problems.  They go to Columbia.

PART THREE

Yale Nerd: Let me ask you something.  I ask everyone this.  What color is the number five?

Me: What?

Yale Nerd: Okay, okay, so you don’t have synesthesia.

Me: *blank stare*

Yale Nerd: Yeah, I didn’t think you would.  Only 1% of the population does.  It’s where you randomly associate colors with numbers and letters.  I read a lot about math geniuses, and many of them have this ability.  So I’ve been training myself to do the same thing, because I don’t naturally have synesthesia either.  You know, number five is green, nine is pink, and so on.

PART FOUR

Me: So, do you have a lot of friends from college in the city?

Yale Nerd: Oh yeah, a ton.  Lots.  You?

Me: Not too many.  Most of my graduating class/sorority pledge class wound up in D.C.  I’m actually kind of glad though that there aren’t a ton of us in New York because it forced me to branch out and meet new people instead of continuing to live the same lifestyle I did in college.

Yale Nerd:  That’s bitchy.

Me: What?

Yale Nerd: That’s really bitchy.

Me: I have no idea what I just said that could possibly be considered bitchy.

PART FIVE

Yale Nerd: Would you let you kids play football?

Me: Sure, if they want to, why not?

Yale Nerd: Aren’t you worried about injuries?

Me: Well sure, but the game isn’t that rough at the middle school or high school levels.  And you could get injured doing just about anything.  Take horseback riding.  You could fall and break your neck.

Yale Nerd: I guess so.  But I wouldn’t let my kids play football.  Actually, I aspire to be a Tiger Dad.  Are you familiar with that term?

Me: Yes - and do you really know what you’re implying?  A lot of those kids are very depressed, lack social skills, etcetera.  

Yale Nerd: Yeah, but they’re, like, killing it - math, science, violin.

Me: I don’t think having a parent essentially abuse you into being perfect at completing some task is really the best choice.  There are more important things than being good at a task.  I would just be worried that your children wouldn’t have time to socialize with their peers, would become depressed because they hate the things you’re making them do, or would start to resent you for treating them like you’re a military sergeant.

Yale Nerd:  Well, I’d be more worried about your kids if you plan on letting them play football.  They’ll probably get head injuries and become retarded.