“I almost just want to rip her head off and verbally assault her.”
Each week, despite my one-time disdain for and disgust over InterventionThe Bachelor, I find myself watching the show and live-tweeting my reactions. As such, I thought it was high time to provide a recap of one of these crazy episodes. I’m not sure I can bear to make this a weekly blog entry, but last night’s episode was just so out of control that this needed to happen. It’s basically my way of coping with how scared I am after watching this show - even after I fast forward through two-thirds of it.
In any case, last night’s episode began with Ben Flaj-a-neliak, whatever, and his gaggle of semi-retarded, semi-attractive, brainwashed groupies going….somewhere. They are always going somewhere. This time I think it was Utah. Which is fitting because Ben is bascially some kind of polygamist cult leader, and these women are about two episodes away from donning Little House on the Prairie dresses and braiding each other’s hair. I really can’t understand why ABC feels the need to fly these women all over the world and pay for Ben to take them on highly elaborate, extremely expensive dates.
(A) That’s not at all what a real-life relationship with Ben would be like, so ABC is just setting the relationships and thus the show up for inevitable failure once the cameras stop rolling.
(B) These women have proven that they would happily frolic around in manure if it meant getting a cheap, already dying rose from the ever-so-greasy Ben, so why does ABC bother spending any money away on these dates?
In any case, the cute, husky-voiced, blond-haired chick with the tragic nose ring got to go on the first one-on-one date. This girl is from New York and definitely looks like she’s gotten it on with another girl at some point, one who probably could have passed for a guy if you squinted a little bit. So taking her on a canoeing date seems ill-advised (or maybe perfect?). But whatever. Ben has proven to me thus far in the season that he could not give two shits about the girls’ personalities as he picks dates for them to go on (ha, what am I saying - we all know Chris Harrison is picking these dates).
Anyway, they go on their little outing. I fast forwarded through half of it. Though I periodically stopped to hear the girls back at the house bitch and struggle to hold back their tears. Ben and Nose Piercing have dinner, and Ben looks like he’s absolutely disgusted by her. His facial expressions read like “Are you sure you’re a woman? What is going on with your nose? Are you a smoker? Why do your eyes keep bugging out when you talk? Why are you wearing so much eyeliner.” I’m thinking this girl is going home, fo’ sho’. Especially after she gives Ben some bullshit speech about how she has a hard time communicating, being honest, opening up, etc. - basically, she lacks all of the attributes that are required for a healthy, long-lasting relationship. But because Ben has shown that he has absolute shit taste in women (Ashley, Courtney, etc.), he becomes elated by this admission and gives her the sad, likely diseased date rose. Nose Piercing goes home, bitches are totally surprised she’s still there, and everyone puts on a fake happy face - except of course Courtney, who literally looks like she has feces spread all over her upper lip 96% of the time.
The next day, an alarmingly large group of girls goes on a fishing date with Ben. Another nature date. Cool. This isn’t boring and monotonous at all. Also, I have to wonder - is this some bizarre hunter/gatherer mating ritual held over from our Neanderthal days that Ben is trying to revive? “If you catch me fish, I make you wife.” Something like that? These girls are all so obviously pissed that they’re wading around in a creek and that the humidity is making their hair look like shit (as if most of their hair didn’t already look like shit - but thank the lord baby Jeuss that someone was finally allowed to touch up their roots on this episode). Within five minutes of donning their fly fishing gear, they all take on this expression of having been lobotomized. Which I think Ben would probably be into (“Oh, you’re so limp and quiet. Neat. I’m going to make my move. I love pathetic, submissive women.”)
Kacie B. (the spelling of her name is such a problem) ups her Southern charm act, which is actually fairly effective at hiding how unintelligent and stalkerish she is (let’s not forget, she said in her first interview in EPISODE ONE that she was falling for Ben and that they would be great together because they’ve both gone through “things”), and gets Ben to help her catch a fish (they fail). Ben pretends to be helping her with the fishing, but you can tell he’s just thinking about controlling his boner (he essentially admits this later on the group date).
Of course, Courtney decides this is her moment to steal Ben away. They go off together and actually manage to catch a fish. Ben and Courtney both look overjoyed (“You make good wife. You bring food to family.”), but Courtney’s facial expression returns to that horrible look of sinister plotting the very moment Ben turns away to grab the fish. She makes him kiss it, and you can tell how much she enjoys the fact that his mouth has to touch that slimy, dirty fish - it is so painfully obvious that she has zero feelings for Ben and that she would be the girl who wins the competition and then murders him.
More things happen, the group goes back to whatever resort they’re staying at (which is definitely not as nice as ABC’s lighting and floral arrangements make it appear to be), and do things. Mostly drink and hang out in the pool. The usual. I mean, all I ever want is to be cold, damp, and drunk - duh. Girls talk to Ben. They get all giddy - probably because the fact that Ben’s hair is wet disguises how filthy and greasy it is - and they say things like “I’m falling for him” and “I’m scared by how strong my feelings for Ben are.” Yes, you should be scared. Because it makes you look straight crazy. And when you undoubtedly get sent home, you’re going to be really scared by how few romantic prospects you have now that dudes know you’re a crazy, stage-five clinger. Let’s be real girls. The overwhelming majority of you will go home without a rose and will then have to pick up the pieces of your pre-Bachelor lives. And being on this embarrassing show is going to make that exceptionally difficult. Being on The Bachelor is bad for women the same way that our wedding boards on Pinterest are bad - it provides men with alarmingly clear insight into how nuts we are. They don’t have to think we’re crazy or wonder whether or not we’re crazy - they now have proof.
Anyway, former beauty queen and resident alcoholic Samantha makes the unwise decision to pull Ben away from a make-out session (I think) to have a “chat.” And there is no attempt on her part to sugarcoat what she wants to say - or maybe there was, but the alcohol had other plans. In any case, she blurts out, “I want one-on-one time. I deserve that. Why are you only bringing me on group dates? What does that mean?” Ben looks horrified, as he is not into strong, assertive women raving lunatic alcoholics. He says to her, “I don’t think you’ve earned a one-on-one date based on your behavior on the group dates” - i.e. you’re always hammered drunk and it’s just sloppy and embarrassing and I don’t want to play babysitter to you on a one-on-one date. He then informs her that this is going nowhere and she needs to leave right now. She sits there looking dumb stunned for a moment. Clearly, no guy has ever told her to leave. Usually, they just leave her in the middle of the night. She creepily begins licking her lips and chuckling. Her tongue motions are terrifying. She looks like she has a five-pound weight attached to her tongue. She then starts to cry - like every other time we see her on this show - and Ben sends her away. She doesn’t even get an interview in the car. Unless I fast forwarded through that.
Courtney then takes this moment where Ben is feeling a twinge of guilt, or some other human emotion, to whine to him about how hard this process is and how insecure it makes her. Instead of reacting like a normal guy - “Wow, you’re a whiny bitch. I’m sending you home too.” - Ben dons his Bachelor superhero cape and says “I need to reassure her.” As such, he gives her the date rose. She looks elated for a split second, but - of course - as soon as Ben turns away to rub some olive oil and bacon grease on his hair, that sickening look of pure evil returns to her face.
More things happen. Ben then takes the maroon-haired accountant on a date. She is prettier under ABC’s lighting than the light of the sun. I have a feeling she might be the craziest one of the bunch but is just really effective at keeping it under wraps. Ben takes her hiking. Surprise. And then they find a “No Trespassing” sign. Naturally, that’s where the date is taking place (ABC can do anything). They hop a fence and approach a huge crater in the ground with scary barbed wire and caution tape all around it. NBD. Looks like a swell place for a date. This is where I had a revelation. Ben is probably the next Ted Bundy (though he isn’t even that charming or attractive). I mean, look at him. The limp, dirty hair. The lack of any real human emotions. The strange tinge of joy in his voice when he says things like “And then she told me how much this process was tearing her apart.” Throw some oversized glasses on this dude and he is a 1970’s sociopathic serial killer. So he takes the accountant down into this hole for a swim and a bit of tongue action, though he is clearly preoccupied by thoughts of taking someone here later and killing him or her. Hey, sometimes you just have to kill two birds with one stone (ha, pun) - get your date over with and stake out your next kill spot.
Anyway, Ben and the accountant hang out, kiss, and have some insipid conversations. I fast forwarded through most of this. He gives her a rose. Not sure why, although he’s given everyone a rose on his one-on-one dates. She looks like she’s going to cry, pee her pants, and puke all at once. They go to some concert being attended solely by paid ABC extras. She goes home. Bitches are pissed that she’s still there, but she’s probably the “nicest” - at least for now - so they mostly don’t give her any shit.
Lots of other things happened on this episode, but it’s really hard to condense two hours into a manageable recap - even when you watch the whole episode in under 35 minutes. So, let’s just skip to the rose ceremony where the drama erupted.
Courtney has been a disgusting c*nt throughout this episode, and the girls are roughly one episode away from forming a lynch mob and killing her. She says all kinds of awful, shockingly bitchy things that you think only screenwriters can come up with to try and make everyone feel like crap. Really - and I wish the other girls realized this - her behavior just shows how absolutely insecure she is. If she was as confident as she claims to be and if she really felt like she had an awesome connection with Ben, she wouldn’t need to tear the other girls down. I think her behavior toward the other girls also demonstrates how fake her connection with Ben is - she’s only in this for the “win,” so I’m sure she worries that she might give herself away and lose her chance at reality TV glory.
The PhD student, who is clearly not getting her doctoral degree in interpersonal relationships (or maybe she is and the problem is just that Courtney and Ben aren’t really humans), decides to go to Ben and tell him what an evil troll Courtney is. He basically tells her “Fuck you. Courtney is hot. Next week, I’m going to bone her. If you mess with my game any further, you’re out. Because I know you’re not putting out.”
She cries and whines to the other girls. Of course, one of them runs and tells Courtney what happened - it’s that one girl who has opened her mouth for a grand total of about 27 seconds on this show, so I’m sure Chris Harrison directed her to do this. Courtney goes on a tirade where she says things like, “I don’t start fights, I finish them” (did I just switch over to Mob Wives?) and “I almost just want to rip her head off and verbally assault her. Or shave her eyebrows off in the middle of the night.” I’d pick the former. The PhD student barely has any eyebrows as it is - she won’t miss them much.
Girls cry, everyone is unhappy. Probably because Ben looks filthy and is wearing a tie so skinny it gives the bolo tie a run for its money. He hands out roses. The PhD student gets the last rose as a weird form of passive aggressive punishment for trying to save Ben from Courtney (who I really believe will murder him if she wins this show). A big-boned, older looking girl goes home. She cries in the car. But she’ll be really happy in, like, two seconds when she no longer has to worry about Ben’s hair grease staining her clothing.
The end. Now, I’m going to go douche my eyes with Summer’s Eve and drink a wine cooler to forgot about the train wreck that was this episode.
