Before I start this recap, I just want to take a second and remind the world that the man pictured above is the person that 30 women quit their jobs and left their families and friends to pursue. That being said, let’s get started!
In the intro to this episode, we’ve already travelled to a new country, been on a helicopter ride, and taken all of our clothes off (Courtney…). So, we’ve basically seen the entire episode. But I’ll go ahead and subject myself to emotional torture for a bit longer. Thankfully, I was able to DVR this entire episode and thus could fast forward through large chunks of it.
The group goes to Panama this week. I guess we can figure out who our felon was (the Accountant), since the group is now free to leave the country. Donald Trump gets a very unneeded plug for his gaudy hotel (is The Apprentice moving to ABC, or something?). Courtney quickly expresses a desire to get naked and go skinny dipping with Ben once more. Please god, no.
Ben arrives, and his balls look like they want to run away - his shorts are just so damn tight. And he’s acting like a dumb 11-year-old, per the usual. He describes this as a fresh start - meaning this is day one of his post-Courtney hook-up gonorrhea.
Kacie B. correctly predicts that she’s going to get the first date. She pretends to be nervous. This makes me hate her, suddenly. I realize she’s a fake bitch. And I have to agree with Courtney - ick - that Kacie B. is annoying. Kacie B. says this date is going to potentially change her life. Yeah. Either you’re dying in a fiery helicopter crash, catching an STD, or going home to be single and jobless. Or so I hope…
This is the most boring date, ever. Helicopters. Sightseeing. Water. Jungles. Sand. Ben worries that they’ll run out of things to talk about. I haven’t heard them speak more than two words yet, and we’re only a minute or two into the date. Kacie B. had to pack three things - she chose a monkey (what???), a corkscrew (with a knife, as she emphasizes), and some unhealthy snack. Ben brought a machete, a fishing net (i.e. rope), and matches. So he’s not sending Kacie B. home. He’s killing her and leaving her body on this deserted island. Have fun defending yourself with that dinky knife! Kacie B. even says that, sometimes, couples don’t survive together. She’s more intuitive than I thought! She then says that it’s hot watching Ben hack apart a coconut. She’s probably some kind of masochistic freak. I’m sorry, but I am not trying to watch Survivor: Murder Edition. Fast forward. By the way, Kacie B.’s bikini didn’t match. I hate that. It makes me actively angry. And, also Ben, being able to cut open a coconut together does not mean y’all can do anything.
Ben and Kacie B. have dinner. She says she likes to go to the grocery store and the gym. Big time. This girl is pure excitement.
Another date card comes. Group date. Ew. Piercing and Hooters realize they have the two-on-one. I hope they have to fight to the death. Or maybe they’ll just turn lesbian for each other. I mean, Hooters does say it’s going to be “amazing” - and she’s the one who almost hooked up with a girl on night one, mind you.
Back to the dinner. It’s so, so boring. They have nothing to talk about. Ben looks like a butch lesbian camp counselor. Kacie B. says she feels old. Ben says she seems so mature. This is obviously on a relative basis. She starts talking about her high school eating disorder. Oh my god. This girl is an idiot. It’s confirmed. Ben now knows you are a bag of crazy. She even admits that she actually used to make herself puke. Ben looks like he’s about to faint. He is literally dripping with sweat. This cannot end well. But this is Ben we’re talking about. So she gets the date rose.
Ben and the other girls then go on the group date. It involves nature. And being dirty and hot and probably catching malaria. One of the girls describes Ben as being “sexy” and a “man’s man” - please, everyone, reference the photo above. This girl must be legally blind. Another describes how cool it is that the boat is a hollowed out tree. Like hundreds of thousands of other boats constructed in the history of the world. The group comes across some native children who literally flee from them. So, of course, they chase them. ABC makes the natives put on clothing. And then the group basically mocks their culture. Don’t fear though, Courtney is here to keep it real. She strips to be “more like the natives,” to be “one with nature.” PhD is obviously furious.
Horsey says she wants to be a member of Ben’s
cult tribe. Ben just wants to stare at Courtney’s tits. Things happen. ABC makes the natives wait on the girls hand and foot. This is embarrassing for everyone. As is Courtney’s nameplate necklace. It’s not just Hooters who has one. I suddenly want a nameplate necklace, too. What the hell?
PhD can’t talk about anything but Courtney. She is gone this episode, I feel it. Oh my god, I think I just saw Ben’s ball sack. Fast forward.
More things happen. People chat and make out. Courtney gives Ben her room number and suggests that he come over so he can repay some favor - I can’t imagine what that might be. She says she thinks he’s itching for more one-on-one time with her - that’s not why he’s itching, Courtney.
More things happen. More people talk. PhD says she has another man in her life - ha, psych! JK, LOLZ! She’s talking about the tribal chief. Hahaha. So funn-ee. Especially since someone is about to get kicked off by ABC for that very offense.
Horsey gets the date rose. Her hair is so awful - i.e. she and Ben are a perfect match. Oh, and Courtney gets stood up by Ben later that night.
Two-on-one date time. This is four seconds away from a porno. Ben’s shorts are so tight. Again. That boner is going to be very hard to hide - ha, pun. They go dancing. I’m bored. Fast forward. God. Is there no A/C in Panama? Everyone is so sweaty. This is no bueno for Ben’s hair. They should have gone solely to arctic countries. Dinner is awkward. Everyone is silent. I hope he sends both girls home. Ben makes out with Piercing first. She moves her mouth like her jaw is dislocated. Then Hooters gives him a scrapbook. She must have huffed a lot of glue in the process of making that bad boy to think this was a good idea. And, finally, a semi-logical choice from Ben. He picks Piercing. Hooters actually runs away. She and Ben have a great little confrontation. I was expecting her to shiv him. She didn’t, sadly. But Ben totally abandons Piercing. Poor girl. Although she describes her night as being “perfect.” Really? Her night represented literally my worst dating nightmare. Hooters finally leaves. We see a montage of stray cats as she departs. Thank you, ABC. I loved that.
Finally. Drama. Chris Harrison confronts the near mute about her back-home-boy. And now she speaks. She says she might need therapy. And more or less admits that she is in love with her ex. Chris makes her go and talk to Ben. Who gets weirdly parental with her. She says all she wants is to get married. To someone. And have an escape from her ex. She’s so selfish. Ben asks her to leave. Then she moves from speaking to just generally making a lot of noise. She is the ugliest cryer. Ever. Of all time. She’s such a pretty girl, too. And one of the best dressed. Oh. By the way. The other girls all stood around and watched most this go down. They didn’t even try to be discreet. Love it!
On to the rose ceremony. Thank god. I’ve gotten this far in 34 minutes. Some girl I’ve never seen decides she needs to up the sex appeal to be more like Courtney. Except what follows is like your awkward first kiss at age 13. She sets it up for so long that Ben is expecting way more than a kiss. She also rips her dress, gives him ten minutes worth of weird and contradictory kissing instructions, and pretends like she actually just wants to get really freaky with him. I had to hide behind my hands for most of this. I have never felt so uncomfortable, ever. I never want to date again if there is even the slightest chance of it being like this. Ben’s interaction with this girl might as well have been with me - it was truly that painful to watch. And. Big, huge, massive surprise. Ben does not give her a rose. Two smart decisions in one episode. Did ABC switch actors for the role of Ben?
Next week. Another tropical country. This won’t be redundant. Someone is actually going to use the “love” word to Ben’s face! And Ben might be seeing Courtney’s true colors. And by that I mean - does the carpet match the drapes? Not - is she as much of a bitch as the rest of the world says she is?
Well, I’m exhausted now. And, for the first time, I think I want to be single. Forever. Dating is terrifying.
P.S. Yes, the title is a Courtney quote. No, it is not something she said to Ben.