“Oh my gosh, so good when it hits your lips!”
Welcome to Season 16, Episode 7! Are we halfway done yet? In the intro to tonight’s episode, I hear some variation of “I love Ben” three times. And then, of course, the other half of the intro is devoted to Courtney-bashing. Which is unsurprising given that 66.67% of the magazines I bought today had Ben and Courtney on the cover. Yes. I am now wasting time and money on this show. If anyone is a masochist, it’s not any of these girls - it’s me.
We begin the episode with the group traveling to Belize and providing their customary introductory interviews. Ben says that island life here is “slow,” which finally gives him time to think through what’s going on. I’m not sure if Ben is really that self-deprecating about his mental capabilities or if The Bachelor producers and editors have a similar sense of humor to mine. Kacie B. says she’s as in love with Ben as she possibly could be. After four weeks, give or take. So she is essentially disproving the theories about love growing over time that have been expounded upon by authors, poets, and lyricists for, well, ever. I am so thankful to see that there’s a cool breeze here in Belize. Hopefully this will ameliorate some of the issues with Ben’s hair and general appearance. Southern Alcoholic says that she really doesn’t need any additional time with Ben in order to tell him she loves him. Which isn’t actually an indicator of her feelings. More of her BAC. Nevertheless, she quickly starts crying and admits that her connection with Ben might not be any stronger than anyone else’s. Ah, the depressant effects of alcohol.
We break for commercial, and first up is an advertisement for Neil Lane bridal at Kay Jewelers. Doesn’t Kay know that this show only discourages people from marrying? Pick your target market better, sheesh.
Ben shows up for his first date with Horsey doing his best Ryan Gosling impression in a striped wifebeater. PhD, however, compares him to a piece of cheesecake in swim trunks. Call me crazy, but that does not sound appealing. I don’t particularly like cheesecake, but even if I did… In any case, date one starts off on a helicopter ride. Duh. I am actually furious by how repetitive and boring Ben’s dates are. And yet he has the gall to describe this date as “unique” and “special,” at which point I nearly threw my remote at the TV. The date involves jumping out of the helicopter into the “blue hole.”
(A) What would Freud have to say about this?
(B) Why doesn’t a single girl ever tell Ben, “No, I don’t want to do this and if this is your thing, then we’re probably not that compatible”?
Horsey literally says, “I could die any second, but like a relationship….” - this is not a good comparison. At all. Just stop. And Ben. Please, please stop trying to “overcome fears” with these girls. Stop saying, “If we can do this, we can do anything!” Stop taking so many helicopter rides. I am actively upset right now. The cosmetics commercial following this segment will likely be the best part of this two-hour-long block.
Horsey is “definitely falling in love with Ben.” Listen, I’m an advocate for loving people openly and not being so paranoid about telling someone you love them, particularly in a culture in which sex has become a meaningless commodity to most. In the case of this show, however, the speed at which these girls “fall in love” is absurd.
Back at the house, there’s a Courtney bitch fest. Girls, if y’all aren’t going to just murder her, then stop whining. Your inaction is frustrating. A date card comes with a horrible clue - “Do you Belize in love?” Courtney cries when the date card isn’t for her. I wonder how many bottles of Visine the producers had to supply for that little clip.
The date with Horsey is incredibly lame. Ben describes their relationship as being both funny and serious - to which Horsey actually says, “Ohmahgawd, best of both worlds!” The two decide to pen a message in a bottle, and after Ben writes “Once upon a time,” Horsey tells him she likes the story and thinks it’s very doctor-like. What? Fast forward.
PhD has the next date. She says she’s excited to fall in love. You are way behind the curve, darlin’. She has to go home this week. It’s not that I don’t like her, it’s just that she doesn’t get what’s required of her as a Bachelor contestant. Their date is “super cool and right up [his] alley,” according to Ben. So I have to imagine it involves being dirty, awkward, and perhaps riding in a helicopter. But, no. They play drums and basketball, ride bikes, and drink coconut milk. Again, I must ask - has ABC recast for the role of Ben? Next, there’s an “impromptu” dive for lobsters. Oh come on, ABC. Stop asking us to stretch the boundaries of logic. We all know this show, by its very nature, cannot be spontaneous is any way, shape, or form. I’m bored and annoyed. Fast forward.
Back at the house, Courtney is playing the sympathy card better than anyone I’ve ever seen. She is an amazing actress. Screw modeling. She’s actually convincing these girls that PhD is some kind of villain (okay, mostly just the empty-headed Horsey, but still). Hopefully someone will see through this. Her interview is a bit more honest. She admits that she isn’t ready to bring Ben home to her family and says that it “sucks” because she “really liked him” - not loved him. Which is not unreasonable. Just an ill-advised comment to make in the context of this show. However, Ben consistently defies logic, so this admission likely won’t make a bit of difference.
Ben and PhD appear to be having a fun date and he has very complimentary things to say about her. She’s the only girl on this show who can actually hold a conversation and not sound like a dumb twat, and I respect that. I’m actually starting to feel sorry that this girl will be forever ruined by participating in this show.
Oh wow, back at the house, we get a side shot of the Southern Alcoholic’s face, and she literally looks like a 47-year-old trailer park resident. So much so that I didn’t recognize her for a few seconds. And Courtney gets the next date. Her pathetic, whiny act immediately gets dropped. Though Kacie B. takes on a new role that is highly reminiscent of the sisters in The Fighter - she just starts swearin’ up a storm and threatening Courtney’s life.
I’m having a hard time bringing myself to watch the Courtney date at all. But I’ll suffer through it, just for y’all. Ben takes Courtney to a Mayan temple, where she immediately starts talking about human sacrifice. How does Ben not realize she’s going to murder him in the near future? Courtney then begins to make threats and tells Ben that he’s in a precarious position with her. Damn. Why didn’t ABC cast her for The Bachelorette?
In the meantime, the girls bitch about Courtney and describe her as a black widow who is digging her own grave. PhD says she will never mention this to Ben again and that she thinks he’s perceptive enough to just get it. Yeah. Keep dreaming.
Back at the Temple of Doom, Ben says he wants a “weird,” “edgy” girl like Courtney. Thus making him the least perceptive person on earth. To be fair though, Courtney is the girl who managed to make the sentence “This is steep” sound sexual. Before this horrible date ends, we see a shadow from a helicopter overhead. This show is single-handedly employing every helicopter pilot in the Americas.
Chicken McBites commercial! Processed, fried chicken is going to be on my mind all night. Breakfast, perhaps.
Back to the date. Courtney is so fake I could literally claw her eyes out. I just hate her. I also think this show is elevating my anxiety. Fast forward.
We find out that Kacie B., Piercing, and Southern Alcoholic get the three-on-one date. That sounds like a bad porno. Back on the date, Courtney shits on all of the other women, and Ben essentially responds with, “Look at all the fuck I do not give.” When PhD did this about one girl, Ben lost his cool. Now that Coutney’s doing the same thing about all of the girls, he’s as chill as a Flintstones Push-Up Pop. I tried to fast forward through this exchange, but my remote didn’t respond. I nearly had a panic attack.
Time for the next date! In the process of Ben retrieving the three ladies at 4:00am, we find out that these girls all have to sleep together. This is so jenky, ABC. Don’t be cheap like that. We then have to watch the girls hurriedly shave their armpits, legs, and bikini areas in preparation for their date. I am not pleased by this, ABC producers. That’s just rude and overly personal. Especially on a show that absolutely does not value reality in any form.
I fast forwarded through half of this date. There was kissing, scuba diving, and jealousy. Kacie B. starts letting her crazy, redneck tendencies get the better of her. She is consumed by jealousy.
Oh my god. ABC is now sponsoring “Marry Me Monday” with Jared the Galleria of Jewelry (that isn’t an overly long name at all). This must be its attempt to make up for the fact that no one in 16 seasons of The Bachelor has ever had a happy or long-lasting relationship.
Back on the date, Southern Alcoholic is slurring and talking to trees and seashells. I can’t. This is too easy. And back at the house, Courtney casually mentions that she had a “late night” with Ben. To be fair, they played Scattergories in their flannels. But the other girls are still pissed. Ben finally gives Kacie B. some attention on this date, at which point she flat out tells him she’s falling in love. I’ve never seen a guy look closer to vomiting while sober. He is not happy.
Okay. Date rose time. It’s a “big rose,” according to Ben. You can see his envy. And, wait what? Kacie B. gets the rose. Maybe the sun was just in Ben’s eyes before.
And now - Rose Ceremony! This took me more like 40 minutes to get to tonight. I think I need to replace my remote batteries. I’m waiting for the Courtney and Ben hook up sesh confrontation. However, Courtney doesn’t have a care in the world at this juncture and is totally focused on her frozen piña colada (see the title above), which annoys the other girls. How are they not just finding her antics hilarious at this point? After waxing poetic about her skanky frozen beverage, Courtney informs the other women that Ben is not the only guy in the world - to which PhD whispers angrily to Horsey, “Did she just say that Ben is not the only guy in the world?” Amazing. Why do these women make my job so easy? Finally, Chris Harrison appears and breaks up this lovely gathering to inform the women that there will be no cocktail reception - Ben has actually made up his mind about something for a change and doesn’t need any additional time. Rachel is already crying in an interview, and I have to wonder when this little snippet was filmed - before or after the outcome of the Rose Ceremony? Courtney continues to say awesome and horrible things (“I’m sure we’re all ready to go home in some way - some of us for Ben to meet our families, some of us just to go home.”).
The Rose Ceremony finally gets underway, and it looks like ABC has purchased some non-awful ties for Ben - just kidding, it’s still terrible, but at least it’s normal-sized. Ben starts the Ceremony by “stealing Courtney away.” Either they’re going to have sex or he’s going to send her home. He’s so pathetic and submissive throughout this encounter. I have to wonder if his mangina has some sort of uncomfortable infection that’s diminishing his ability to act like a man. However, we don’t see the culmination of their conversation. Instead, the two simply return to the group with a bit of awkward tension between them. Leaving me to assume that they had sex. And my suspicions are “confirmed” when Ben picks Courtney over Piercing and PhD. We all knew this was coming, but it’s harder to stomach than I anticipated. Courtney frolics over to accept her rose from Ben - barefoot. This bitch couldn’t even be bothered to put on shoes. That’s how much of a shit she does not give. But at least we learn that the clip of Piercing crying from earlier was actually filmed after the Rose Ceremony.
Next week - there will be strange horse-drawn carriages, overly protective parents, angry fathers, and awkward admissions. Oh, and a visit with Courtney’s sister. Who is Khloe Kardashian’s doppelganger. I can’t wait. Too bad I finished all of my cookie dough this weekend and have yet to get my hands on some Xanax.
