How Do You Recap a Recap?
Let me start by asking a couple of questions. First, since when do a bunch of grown women raise their hands to speak? To be fair, this probably makes since, as most of these rejects aren’t actually grown women - they’re more like PMS-ing middle schoolers whose parents make questionable choices and, thus, allow them to get breast implants at age 14. In any event, this hand raising thing happened about 400 times during last night’s episode, The Bachelor: The Women Tell All. Well, they didn’t really tell all because, apparently, they only spoke when Chris Harrison was so kind as to call on them (ok, let’s be real, they all wound up shouting over each other, but at least they attempted to be “orderly” and “polite” at the beginning).
Second, what in the world was ABC thinking showing us a preview of Bachelor Pad 3 at the outset of this episode? Was the network just trying to send us a message that this season’s “winning couple” will ultimately be a failure? And an epic failure, at that. One that winds up overly botoxed, squeezed into sateen minidresses and Express Men skinny pants, and tonguing strangers’ mouths in Las Vegas. Even Ali is bewildered by this nonsense, and she’s typically eating this kind of publicity shit up (probably given that she lost the chance to get valuable Facebook stock by choosing to pursue an egomaniacal pilot instead of working and, therefore, is likely now broke).
Also - I recognized one of the ex-Bachelor contestants and soon-to-be Bachelor Pad cast member, Erica, from that disastrous VH1 show You’re Cut Off! (this girl always wore a tiara, so she was memorable), but I don’t remember her from The Bachelor. She’s clearly addicted to reality TV. By the way, which season was Lorenzo’s, which she was apparently a contestant on? I obviously have not had a lifelong addiction to love for The Bachelor (thank god, or else I’d probably be single forever).
Now, on to the real show, The Bachelor: The Women Tell All. Because this show in and of itself is a recap, I pondered what the best way to recap it would be. What I came up with was this - a top ten eleven quotes list. For each quote, I’ve noted who the speaker is and to whom he or she was directing his or her comment. And, I’ve provided everyone’s real names (with nicknames in parentheses, of course). I just thought that, since this would be the last time I ever write about most of these people, they deserve to be represented by the names their mamas gave ‘em. So, without further ado:
1) Collection of voice-over clips: “Ben is gorgeous…Ben is amazing…Ben is absolutely adorable, his hair is so cute, you just want to eat him up.”
- When Chris Harrison provided an introduction to this montage, himself describing Ben as the “sexy Bachelor,” he looked as though he might actually vomit on stage. Perfectly sums up my reaction to these nonsensical descriptions of Ben’s appearance.
2) Brittney to Chris Harrison: “The first reason why I left was there was no attraction towards Ben, whatsoever.”
- Thank you, Brittney. You are the one honest girl on this show, on Ashley’s season of The Bachelorette, at every gossip magazine and early evening syndicated news program. Now, I sort of wish you hadn’t left so soon because, if not, perhaps we would have gotten more of this delightful candor. By the way, did anyone else notice the girl in the audience reacting to this admission with an incredibly exaggerated display of shock and disgust? Hi-larious.
3) Brittney to Samantha (Beauty Queen): “First of all, you are like the chihuahua of the house. You just don’t stop talking. You just don’t stop talking! Shut up. God, she is so annoying. Just shut up.”
- Ok, now I’m really impressed. How does the girl who bailed on episode three get two of the best lines of the night? She’s honest, ballsy, and unfiltered. I love it. Good for her that she had the guts and self-awareness to get off of this train before it crashed and burst into a ball of fire (like most other Bachelor seasons do).
4) Shawntel to Chris Harrison: “That was only the second time I’ve watched it. I muted it a lot when I watched it the first time.”
- Only the second time you watched it? I bet. Also, she says that as if it would be perfectly normal to just watch this on a loop for days. If I were her, I would have watched it once but with my eyes closed instead of on mute. I wouldn’t want to see my own, tragic, scrunched-up face and smeared eyeliner.
5) Emily (PhD) to Chris Harrison: “You’re clouding your own mind because you’re just thinking about sex, you’re not thinking about a relationship anymore.” - to which Chris Harrison responded, “I think you have figured out men…the secret is out.”
- Emily also had some great lines tonight. She’s obviously the most confident, intelligent, and well-educated one in the group. Makes me wonder why she ever signed on for this show. Perhaps it was some secret research for her doctoral program. In any case, thank you for coming out and saying what we’ve all been thinking - Ben and Courtney have a connection based on sex. To be fair though, studies have shown that the chemicals released in our brains through sexual contact and/or orgasm give us the feeling of being “in love,” so Ben’s deeper emotions for Courtney as compared to the other girls - even if totally a byproduct of sex - are not actually surprising or unreasonable.
6) Emily (PhD) to Chris Harrison: “Does Courtney know love? Does she have a heart? I don’t think so. It could have been Joe Schmo sitting in the seat and Courtney would have done her damnedest to make sure she got a rose.”
- Another very accurate assertion by Emily. I appreciate how nicely she did last night in clearly articulating what is on everyone else’s minds. Even the other girls get that she is their figurehead. She knows how to represent “the people.” She’s like the Obama of The Bachelor.
7) Chris Harrison to Courtney: “The women are understandably pissed. I mean pissed. At you.”
- Yihhhhh, Chris Harrison. You tell her want a cunty cunt she is. I’m not sure why Chris Harrison even pretends to be an unbiased observer; he’s so much more entertaining when he lets his true feelings shine through. Like when he called Casey out on her back-home boyfriend.
8) Courtney to, well, no one in particular: “I’m going through real emotions and I don’t like being torn apart, my family, my friends in the tabloids…I’m sorry for hurting Ben.”
- Straight from the horse’s mouth (and, no, not Lindzi’s mouth, to be clear). Everything I said last week about her apologies to Ben being hollow have just been proven. While “apologizing” to the girls, all she actually did was feel sorry for herself and her family and halfheartedly apologize to Ben, who never actually experienced her cruelty and heinousness (at least not during filming, anyway).
9) Ben to Chris Harrison: “Welcome to my nightmare.”
- How did this not scare you away from doing the show at all? You are an idiot man-child.
10) Jennifer (Accountant) to Chris Harrison: “I go home and I’m like, really? Like, I went home and he’s considering taking Blakeley home to his mom? Like, no offense [Blakeley].”
- This is a prime example of why saying “No offense” at the end of a ridiculously offensive statement is just unnecessary. It’s not as though once you say, “But no offense,” anyone forgets about everything you said preceding that.
11) Nicki (Southern Alcoholic) to Ben: “I will back that you are the best man I’ve ever met in my life. 100% until I die.”
- Nicki needs to get out more. That’s all I can say to this one.
As a parting note - more potential Bachelors should watch this episode each season. It will turn them off to the show, and perhaps to women, forever.
