Scotch and Pancakes

Courtney Won The Bachelor

The End.

As they say - all good things must come to an end.  As must horrible, soul-crushing, cornea-searing travesties.

The outcome of the finale was so utterly unsurprising yet disgusting that I see no need to write a recap.  We all knew how the story would end, and yet we’re all saddened by it. No reason to relive it any further.  What I do want to relive, however, is The Bachelor: After the Final Rose special that followed the sappy, “You are my forever” proposal.  Because where it began and where it ended a mere 43 minutes later was truly mind-boggling. Much more so than any of the other shenanigans in all the years I’ve watched this show (in my view, except perhaps for when that squirrelly little dude dumped one contestant after proposing to her for the other girl that he had jilted).

The Q&A starts off with just Chris Harrison and Ben, who could not be more glib.  He must be in the running for Matt Lauer’s spot on Today.  Despite his artificially chipper / saccharin behavior, he does at least demonstrate how much more aware he now is of Courtney’s black-heartedness after watching the season.  Sadly, his trip down memory lane did not provide him with any awareness as to how tragic his hair is. Instead, it somehow resulted in the decision to grow a patchy, shit-stain beard (okay, JK, I love beards, including Ben’s dirt face).  In this Q&A, Ben also reveals how self-involved, immature, and perhaps even sociopathic he truly is.  There were glimmers of this all season long, but his responses last night to challenging situations that would otherwise be fraught with complex human emotions were shockingly cold and, well, inhuman.  As Lisa Hanawalt put it in a NYMag Vulture post,

Ben behaves like the creepiest camp counselor; he makes out with everyone, tries to keep the peace in the most detached way possible, and women who aren’t 100 percent in love with him by the fifth episode are eliminated…In his interviews Ben says “I could really see myself with this woman,” or “I’m falling in love with this woman.” It sounds like he’s talking about different sandwiches he could see himself ordering…He’s such a blank slate, it’s hard to imagine him having any kind of internal life or off-camera existence.

Ben clearly doesn’t care about how Courtney’s behavior affected the other women and, instead, only talks about how it made things harder for him; he describes how he gave Courney the silent treatment with no shred of emotion, let alone regret or remorse; he shows zero emotions over their break-up; etcetera.  And back to the point about him coming across as a sociopath.  When confronted with the rumors of his cheating - which were splashed across every tabloid in the past couple of weeks, complete with explicit, photographic evidence - Ben wholeheartedly denied them without even batting an eye.  There was certainly no issue with the common, “Methinks thou doth protest too much” scenario that usually arises when someone attempts to deny an obvious truth.  He simply closed the book on the idea that he cheated in a matter of seconds, even though there is no way a normal person could deny that they made out with three women when the photos are right in front of them.  That’s like when I found a freshly used condom in my sociopathic ex-boyfriend’s room and he stated that he never used it - “It isn’t used, darling!”

Chris Harrison quickly became bored with Ben’s lies and sociopathic tendencies and, thus, within a matter of minutes brought a comparatively hysterical Courtney out to chat. I sort of loved Courtney’s dress - it was like an angelic dominatrix costume. Best of both worlds. Courtney repeats a lot of the self-pittying sentiments from last week, but goes into more detail on the deterioration of her relationship with Ben - which is the first time I’ve ever felt that her emotions were genuine. She was very clipped at first, hiding the tears and general deluge of emotions that soon followed. (I’m obviously describing her outpouring of emotions on a comparative basis with her typical witchiness.)

After no more than five minutes, Chris Harrison summons Ben back on stage - he was all over the place!  For once, I found myself actually preferring Courtney to Ben. I don’t care how well he might be able to compartmentalize his feelings. His faux gay attitude was awful and really not becoming on someone with such filthy hair.  Similarly, Courtney’s unexpected pandering to Ben was shocking and not becoming on someone who’s typically so headstrong, vocal, etcetera.

Wow. Courtney and Ben’s hair looked very similar.  Similarly flippy.  So, so weird.  Sorry, moving on.

Strangely, I actually think Ben’s lack of emotions may allow them to stay together.  Nothing seems to impact him in a meaningful way.  So I feel like he could just “be with her,” even if the relationship isn’t fully “right” or “good.” And I think she just needs to save face now by making things work.

Commercial break.

When we returned, I’m pretty sure I saw a 20-something-year-old dude wiping away tears. This show does crazy things to people, and not just the participants.  Anyway.  Chris Harrison cuts to a video of the proposal, which was awful. I want to block Courtney’s awful elbow-length, black day-time gloves out of my memory forever (really forever, not Ben’s version of “forever”). Also. It just reminded me of the emphasis Courtney put on the ring over the proposal / Ben. Which in turn reminded me how horrible and fake she is. God. I’m sorry. I really don’t want to / said I wouldn’t recap the episode / proposal.  Back to After the Final Rose.

Ben and Courtney both start crying. Ben is an ugly crier. To lift their spirits, Chris Harrison makes his own proposal. He pulls the gorgeous finale engagement ring out of his pocket, which ABC had confiscated when Ben and Courtney broke up (I adore the corporate element of this love story), and offers it to Ben.  I really wanted Chris Harrison to propose to Courtney at that moment.  That would have been the most dank ending ever.  Scandal!  But no.  Ben says that he still loves Courtney, and he slips the ring back on her finger.  So, in 43 minutes, they’ve gone from semi broken up to engaged again.  She responds to this move with a “Thanks, honey,” as if he had just handed her a can of soup she couldn’t reach.

After this touching moment, ABC brought out Ashley and that bald dude from the last Bachelorette to provide the kind of sage relationship advice that only a couple brought together by reality TV could.  I hate Ashley’s overly animated, little girl ways.  So I turned off the TV.

And, thus, this concludes my recaps of The Bachelor, Season 16. It’s been a ton of fun, even when I wanted to gouge my own eyes out. Thank you all for reading. Hopefully I’ll have a new TV obsession to share in the not-so-distant future.

How Do You Recap a Recap?

Let me start by asking a couple of questions.  First, since when do a bunch of grown women raise their hands to speak? To be fair, this probably makes since, as most of these rejects aren’t actually grown women - they’re more like PMS-ing middle schoolers whose parents make questionable choices and, thus, allow them to get breast implants at age 14. In any event, this hand raising thing happened about 400 times during last night’s episode, The Bachelor: The Women Tell All.  Well, they didn’t really tell all because, apparently, they only spoke when Chris Harrison was so kind as to call on them (ok, let’s be real, they all wound up shouting over each other, but at least they attempted to be “orderly” and “polite” at the beginning).

Second, what in the world was ABC thinking showing us a preview of Bachelor Pad 3 at the outset of this episode?  Was the network just trying to send us a message that this season’s “winning couple” will ultimately be a failure?  And an epic failure, at that.  One that winds up overly botoxed, squeezed into sateen minidresses and Express Men skinny pants, and tonguing strangers’ mouths in Las Vegas.  Even Ali is bewildered by this nonsense, and she’s typically eating this kind of publicity shit up (probably given that she lost the chance to get valuable Facebook stock by choosing to pursue an egomaniacal pilot instead of working and, therefore, is likely now broke).

Also - I recognized one of the ex-Bachelor contestants and soon-to-be Bachelor Pad cast member, Erica, from that disastrous VH1 show You’re Cut Off! (this girl always wore a tiara, so she was memorable), but I don’t remember her from The Bachelor.  She’s clearly addicted to reality TV.  By the way, which season was Lorenzo’s, which she was apparently a contestant on?  I obviously have not had a lifelong addiction to love for The Bachelor (thank god, or else I’d probably be single forever).

Now, on to the real show, The Bachelor: The Women Tell All.  Because this show in and of itself is a recap, I pondered what the best way to recap it would be.  What I came up with was this - a top ten eleven quotes list.  For each quote, I’ve noted who the speaker is and to whom he or she was directing his or her comment.  And, I’ve provided everyone’s real names (with nicknames in parentheses, of course).  I just thought that, since this would be the last time I ever write about most of these people, they deserve to be represented by the names their mamas gave ‘em.  So, without further ado:

1) Collection of voice-over clips: “Ben is gorgeous…Ben is amazing…Ben is absolutely adorable, his hair is so cute, you just want to eat him up.”

• When Chris Harrison provided an introduction to this montage, himself describing Ben as the “sexy Bachelor,” he looked as though he might actually vomit on stage.  Perfectly sums up my reaction to these nonsensical descriptions of Ben’s appearance.  

2) Brittney to Chris Harrison: “The first reason why I left was there was no attraction towards Ben, whatsoever.” 

• Thank you, Brittney.  You are the one honest girl on this show, on Ashley’s season of The Bachelorette, at every gossip magazine and early evening syndicated news program.  Now, I sort of wish you hadn’t left so soon because, if not, perhaps we would have gotten more of this delightful candor. By the way, did anyone else notice the girl in the audience reacting to this admission with an incredibly exaggerated display of shock and disgust?  Hi-larious. 

3) Brittney to Samantha (Beauty Queen): “First of all, you are like the chihuahua of the house. You just don’t stop talking. You just don’t stop talking!  Shut up.  God, she is so annoying.  Just shut up.”

• Ok, now I’m really impressed.  How does the girl who bailed on episode three get two of the best lines of the night?  She’s honest, ballsy, and unfiltered.  I love it.  Good for her that she had the guts and self-awareness to get off of this train before it crashed and burst into a ball of fire (like most other Bachelor seasons do).

4) Shawntel to Chris Harrison: “That was only the second time I’ve watched it. I muted it a lot when I watched it the first time.”

• Only the second time you watched it?  I bet.  Also, she says that as if it would be perfectly normal to just watch this on a loop for days.  If I were her, I would have watched it once but with my eyes closed instead of on mute.  I wouldn’t want to see my own, tragic, scrunched-up face and smeared eyeliner.  

5) Emily (PhD) to Chris Harrison: “You’re clouding your own mind because you’re just thinking about sex, you’re not thinking about a relationship anymore.” - to which Chris Harrison responded, “I think you have figured out men…the secret is out.”

• Emily also had some great lines tonight.  She’s obviously the most confident, intelligent, and well-educated one in the group.  Makes me wonder why she ever signed on for this show.  Perhaps it was some secret research for her doctoral program.  In any case, thank you for coming out and saying what we’ve all been thinking - Ben and Courtney have a connection based on sex.  To be fair though, studies have shown that the chemicals released in our brains through sexual contact and/or orgasm give us the feeling of being “in love,” so Ben’s deeper emotions for Courtney as compared to the other girls - even if totally a byproduct of sex - are not actually surprising or unreasonable.

6) Emily (PhD) to Chris Harrison: “Does Courtney know love? Does she have a heart? I don’t think so. It could have been Joe Schmo sitting in the seat and Courtney would have done her damnedest to make sure she got a rose.”

• Another very accurate assertion by Emily.  I appreciate how nicely she did last night in clearly articulating what is on everyone else’s minds.  Even the other girls get that she is their figurehead.  She knows how to represent “the people.”  She’s like the Obama of The Bachelor.

7) Chris Harrison to Courtney: “The women are understandably pissed. I mean pissed. At you.”

• Yihhhhh, Chris Harrison.  You tell her want a cunty cunt she is.  I’m not sure why Chris Harrison even pretends to be an unbiased observer; he’s so much more entertaining when he lets his true feelings shine through.  Like when he called Casey out on her back-home boyfriend.

8) Courtney to, well, no one in particular: “I’m going through real emotions and I don’t like being torn apart, my family, my friends in the tabloids…I’m sorry for hurting Ben.”

• Straight from the horse’s mouth (and, no, not Lindzi’s mouth, to be clear).  Everything I said last week about her apologies to Ben being hollow have just been proven.  While “apologizing” to the girls, all she actually did was feel sorry for herself and her family and halfheartedly apologize to Ben, who never actually experienced her cruelty and heinousness (at least not during filming, anyway).

9) Ben to Chris Harrison: “Welcome to my nightmare.”

• How did this not scare you away from doing the show at all?  You are an idiot man-child.

10) Jennifer (Accountant) to Chris Harrison: “I go home and I’m like, really? Like, I went home and he’s considering taking Blakeley home to his mom? Like, no offense [Blakeley].”

• This is a prime example of why saying “No offense” at the end of a ridiculously offensive statement is just unnecessary.  It’s not as though once you say, “But no offense,” anyone forgets about everything you said preceding that.

11) Nicki (Southern Alcoholic) to Ben: “I will back that you are the best man I’ve ever met in my life. 100% until I die.”

• Nicki needs to get out more.  That’s all I can say to this one.

As a parting note - more potential Bachelors should watch this episode each season. It will turn them off to the show, and perhaps to women, forever.

“I wonder if we’re gonna be able to get to the vulnerable state that we both need to be in…”

Last week, I took an inadvertent vacation from The Bachelor (not as exciting as any of their vacations, sadly) due to Time Warner Cable’s utter incompetence. However, it ended up being a blessing in disguise. With my job keeping me awake literally 24-hours a day, I didn’t need the added stress that is brought on by watching The Bachelor. This week, however, my workload has begun to lighten a bit, so I figured I might as well supplant my newfound shortage of work-related stress with Bachelor stress.

I did, actually, watch last week’s episode - or some of it - and I have to say that I am just shocked that Ben sent Kacie B. home. Sure, she acted totally crazy in her post-rejection, backseat interview (“What the fuck happened?!”), but she was still the prettiest contestant and the one who most genuinely cared for him. Yes, her family was unsure of the situation. But that was a good and very normal stance. Ben should have respected that. But, no, he kept Horsey, who literally said at one point last week, “Vulnerable - that’s such a big word for me!” And don’t even get me started on Courtney. If Ben wasn’t scared away by the fact that Khloe Kardashian is her sister - meaning that he and Courtney will likely have hilarious but utterly trollicious children together - then he’s far more idiotic than I gave him credit for previously.

So tonight, we’re down to our last three ladies. I love this episode, as the dates involve a trip to the “Fantasy Suite” - which is made even more entertaining by the nonsensical notion that the Bachelor has to give each woman an invitation to this suite. As if he won’t jump on the chance to take each woman back to his room (ha, pun). I have to imagine the producers had a big chuckle when they threw out that idea - they probably didn’t think it would actually get used on the show. It’s one of those situations where intelligent, snarky people make a joke that, sadly, the more “dense” folks around them, such as those who they cast on this show, take seriously.

I am incredibly thankful that this episode takes place in Switzerland, as I imagine the weather might be better for Ben’s hair than that in the tropical nations in which they’ve been spending their time up until now. But, no matter, Ben already ruined his image in the opening sequence with his stupid, jenky bow tie. At the end of the episode overview, we get a preview of the upcoming Bachelorette season. This dumb bitch. She must be the worst mother ever. She left her daughter once to “find love,” and now she’s leaving her again? This poor little girl is going to have the worst separation anxiety and fears of abandonment as she gets older.

In any case, back to the real show. It struck me that, at this point, I actually know all of these remaining girls’ names. But I like their nicknames better, so I’ll stick with those. Even though Lindzi with a “z” is so ridiculous that it practically nullifies the need for a nickname.

In his opening interview, Ben explains when he started falling for the girls:

1) Southern Alcoholic - On the date where she described not only the failure of her first marriage, but also, her mixed feelings about her ex and about marriage in general

2) Horsey - The hometown date, where Ben awkwardly attempted to ride a horse

3) Courtney - When she gave him genital lice fucked him

Ben also continues to describe Courtney as being “weird” and “nerdy.” Let’s not forget that this is the girl who (A) earns a living modeling and (B) is openly disdainful of people who are “book smart.” Ben is “worried” about the way Courtney may or may not treat the other women. Yeah right. There won’t be other women around to whine about her when his p is in her v, so I doubt he really cares. Well, unless shelets him act out his full teenage boy fantasies - then there might be some other girls around.

A commercial for The Titanic comes on. I can’t help but think this will be how Ben’s relationship works out if he chooses Courtney. Except, unlike Rose, she won’t even try to keep him from drowning. She’ll just hold his head under water and then keep the door to herself for survival.

Anyway, the first date is with Southern Alcoholic - and there’s a helicopter ride! I can’t even be upset about this anymore. I feel like I’m in an abusive relationship with the helicopter. I’m just so numb to its ways. Okay, I’m sorry, but does this girl not know how much more attractive she is than Ben? She could literally do so much better. And, honestly, this good ole Southern girl isn’t going to be happy with the nerdy, faux-hipster winemaker. She’s just looking to fill the gap that her failed marriage left and get some sort of reassurance that, even though she lost a husband, she can literally win a new one. She says she doesn’t just love Ben, but can also see a life with him. Come on, honey, all of us can imagine playing house. I’m pretty sure studies have proven that most women fantasize about getting married to a guy on their first date.

These conversations between Ben and Southern Alcoholic are getting too serious. I’m bored. Southern Alcoholic does make a funny comment, however, about how she can’t believe they were just in Sonoma and San Fran - that’s because it was, like, 3 weeks ago. Also, she says she doesn’t want to get too serious with him - to which he says, “Well, you already dropped the l-bomb.” So that should be reassuring. They start talking about kids. Blechk. Fast forward. As I did so, I found myself saying, “You’re stupid. You’re so stupid,” over and over again to the TV. This girl’s pathetic, head-over-heels behavior and open willingness to make innumerous compromises for Ben without asking for literally anything in return makes me embarrassed to be a woman. Ben says she exudes confidence, even though all she’s doing is trying to placate him in any way possible. Which means his comment is clearly in reference to her ginormous, shirt-escaping breasts.

I then fast forwarded through the hot tub scene. Where I found myself saying to the TV, “Stop talking! Just bone!” Southern Alcoholic never shuts up.

Okay, time for the date with Horsey! Her hair looks like shit. I’m sorry. Those highlights are just atrocious. It’s one color on top of a dark base. No variation. No highlights and lowlights. Just garish yellow stripes on dark brown hair. Sick. They are practically neon, especially in the sunlight. Oh, and their date involves something with heights and facing fears. Neat. I guess they couldn’t arrange jumping from a helicopter in straitjackets with ten-pound weights chained to their ankles on such short notice.

Fast forward.

There are some sheep and a hot tub. Horsey keeps saying the word “vulnerable.” She clearly invested in a dictionary since last week (or, since yesterday, if we’re going by Bachelor time). Again, stop fucking talking and just hook up. Ben does not care about what you want to say. He doesn’t want to hear about your emotions. No guy does. Just give him a little handy. It’s so clear what exactly Ben is thinking about slash what he actually wants from Horsey given that he immediately starts talking about wanting to give her an invitation to the Fantasy Suite (in his voice-over, to be clear) - but he says he fears that they won’t reach the “vulnerable state” they need to in order to get there. Don’t worry, dolly, those horse tranquilizers you packed will probably be sufficient.

Time for dinner. Horsey looks like a 37-year-old hooker from Arkansas. Ben’s bow tie is just too much for me to put into words. I’d need another day or so to fully articulate how fucking awful and stupid he looks at this moment. Serious chats. Blah blah blah. Fast forward. Oh! She wants to give Ben “all of [her].” Annnnnd, Fantasy Suite invite! Cha-ching! God damn, the embarrassing admissions on this show make me wish this was filmed during Prohibition - giving these bitches alcohol is like bringing crack cocaine into Promises. Once in the hotel room, we get a quick shot of Ben mounting Horsey (god, I’m so full of puns tonight) and doing things to her. We also see her butt, which was strange for cable TV. Those horse tranquilizers must have worked better than Ben expected!

Finally, time for the third date - and it’s the Courtney show! She recaps last week’s mock wedding and vows. How that shit didn’t get her sent home, I’ll never know. Reminds me of Ashley on The Bachelorette last season. Didn’t Ben learn anything from watching that? I fast forwarded through the “intimate train ride” - has this guy never travelled via New Jersey Transit? Not so intimate. Ben and Courtney play “Hey cow!” Which is actually kind of cute. I don’t like that someone as demonic as Courtney gets invited to play a cute little game with cows. I wish they would have charged her.

Ben and Courtney have a serious and much needed talk about what a pernicious bitch Courtney is. Not even worth recapping. You could all have scripted it yourselves. Afterward, Courtney acts remorseful - but really, she just doesn’t want to lose. It’s like what Rhett Butler said to Scarlett O’Hara in Gone With the Wind: “You’re like the thief who isn’t the least bit sorry he stole but is terribly, terribly sorry he’s going to jail.”

Courtney sucks up hard core at dinner, and we all know some literal sucking is going to follow. She plays the victim and talks so much that Ben has no room to get a word in - so he can’t challenge her or pose any difficult questions and is generally forced to just accept whatever bullshit she’s spoon-feeding him. She says she’d do things differently from the start if given the opportunity - but we all know that is just a crock of shit. Also, giving Ben an apology is meaningless - you have to apologize to the person or people you directly hurt, not to some third party. Her apologize is hollow and cowardly.

Fantasy suite time! There’s a hot tub made out of a barrel and some dry humping. Fast forward.

Ohmahgawd - preview for The Bachelorette. I own Emily’s trench coat! This will be the highlight of the episode for me - and I can’t even understand why that is. Bitch says that her daughter is her world, but I can’t imagine that’s true given that she’s left her for two extremely long periods of time just to hook up and go on dates.

Anyway. Back to The Bachelor. Ben is all happy and gleeful - especially after his night with Courtney - and he feels like he’s nearing a decision. But then, uh oh, drama!!! Of. Course. The Bachelor brings Kacie B. back to have a sit down with Ben. Or did she just do this of her own volition. Either way, I’m excited. I hope she’s coming to tell him she’s pregnant with his child. LOL. That would be too much drama, even for The Bachelor. I absolutely love that Ben is dressed in a denim-ish shirt and skinny tie - like a high school chemistry teacher - while just hanging out in his room. Kacie B. says she’s come all this way just for answers. Um, isn’t that what texting and email is for? Ben explains that they are just worlds apart - which is completely true of both Kacie B. and Southern Alcoholic. They will both be happy at the end of the day when they aren’t with Ben. He isn’t right for either of them. But it’s hard to see that through the veil of rejection. It isn’t heartbreak they’re dealing with. It’s the resulting loss of confidence and the self-doubt associated with a break-up. Kacie B. needs to not start trying to compromise the elements of herself and her life that made Ben send her home in the first place, but I know that’s what’s about to happen. It’s what girls do. It’s probably just generally what people do when they’re broken up with. I know. I’ve lived through it. Although I will say, part of growing up is realizing that you should never compromise (in a life-altering way, at least) for a relationship - because the right one won’t require that. Real love won’t force you to change yourself or your life dramatically just to “fit” with the other person. Kacie B. is just about my age, so I understand why she hasn’t figured this out yet, or at least begun to live by these truths.

Then, Kacie B. starts harping on Courtney. So, that’s maybe one way to play this. I mean, she has nothing to lose at this point - so why not. She pretends to be doing this for noble reasons, though she must know that Ben and everyone else can see right through that (she doesn’t even seem convinced that she’s saying this to “protect” Ben). Because I already know this conversation isn’t going to go in her favor and isn’t going to change the fact that Ben picks Courtney, I almost don’t need to watch this.

Finally, Ben kicks Kacie B. out. She collapses on the floor. Didn’t your mother ever teach you that you never lay on hotel floors? They are filthy. As are the remote controls, according to my boyfriend, who actually washes them before use - as I recently discovered.

Rose ceremony! So, so excited. Mostly because it means this dumb fucking show is almost done for the year - I don’t watch The Bachelorette. Ben whines to Chris about how confused he is after the arrival of Kacie B. He’s mostly upset because it’s forcing him to use a larger portion of his brain than normal in order to make a decision. And - what the fucking shit? How do you pick Horsey over Southern Alcoholic? Horsey has an IQ of roughly 97 and looks like she was ridden hard and put away wet - fitting, I suppose, given her nickname. I mean, none of these women are really “marriage material,” but at least Southern Alcoholic was attractive. Wow. Ben is going to feel really stupid once he watches the full season and realizes what a huge mistake he made with Courtney.

The end. Thank goodness I have a two week break until the finale. I’m excited that, instead of a helicopter, there’s going to be some kind of snow tram. And the ring Ben picked is insanely gorgeous. Super jelly. Maybe I could cope with his hair for that bad boy. Ha, just kidding. We’d have to have our marriage annulled due to failure to consummate. He’s gross.

“Oh my gosh, so good when it hits your lips!”

Welcome to Season 16, Episode 7! Are we halfway done yet? In the intro to tonight’s episode, I hear some variation of “I love Ben” three times. And then, of course, the other half of the intro is devoted to Courtney-bashing. Which is unsurprising given that 66.67% of the magazines I bought today had Ben and Courtney on the cover. Yes. I am now wasting time and money on this show. If anyone is a masochist, it’s not any of these girls - it’s me.

We begin the episode with the group traveling to Belize and providing their customary introductory interviews. Ben says that island life here is “slow,” which finally gives him time to think through what’s going on. I’m not sure if Ben is really that self-deprecating about his mental capabilities or if The Bachelor producers and editors have a similar sense of humor to mine. Kacie B. says she’s as in love with Ben as she possibly could be. After four weeks, give or take. So she is essentially disproving the theories about love growing over time that have been expounded upon by authors, poets, and lyricists for, well, ever. I am so thankful to see that there’s a cool breeze here in Belize. Hopefully this will ameliorate some of the issues with Ben’s hair and general appearance. Southern Alcoholic says that she really doesn’t need any additional time with Ben in order to tell him she loves him. Which isn’t actually an indicator of her feelings. More of her BAC. Nevertheless, she quickly starts crying and admits that her connection with Ben might not be any stronger than anyone else’s. Ah, the depressant effects of alcohol.

We break for commercial, and first up is an advertisement for Neil Lane bridal at Kay Jewelers. Doesn’t Kay know that this show only discourages people from marrying? Pick your target market better, sheesh.

Ben shows up for his first date with Horsey doing his best Ryan Gosling impression in a striped wifebeater. PhD, however, compares him to a piece of cheesecake in swim trunks. Call me crazy, but that does not sound appealing. I don’t particularly like cheesecake, but even if I did… In any case, date one starts off on a helicopter ride. Duh. I am actually furious by how repetitive and boring Ben’s dates are. And yet he has the gall to describe this date as “unique” and “special,” at which point I nearly threw my remote at the TV. The date involves jumping out of the helicopter into the “blue hole.”

(A) What would Freud have to say about this?

(B) Why doesn’t a single girl ever tell Ben, “No, I don’t want to do this and if this is your thing, then we’re probably not that compatible”?

Horsey literally says, “I could die any second, but like a relationship….” - this is not a good comparison. At all. Just stop. And Ben. Please, please stop trying to “overcome fears” with these girls. Stop saying, “If we can do this, we can do anything!” Stop taking so many helicopter rides. I am actively upset right now. The cosmetics commercial following this segment will likely be the best part of this two-hour-long block.

Horsey is “definitely falling in love with Ben.” Listen, I’m an advocate for loving people openly and not being so paranoid about telling someone you love them, particularly in a culture in which sex has become a meaningless commodity to most. In the case of this show, however, the speed at which these girls “fall in love” is absurd.

Back at the house, there’s a Courtney bitch fest. Girls, if y’all aren’t going to just murder her, then stop whining. Your inaction is frustrating. A date card comes with a horrible clue - “Do you Belize in love?” Courtney cries when the date card isn’t for her. I wonder how many bottles of Visine the producers had to supply for that little clip.

The date with Horsey is incredibly lame. Ben describes their relationship as being both funny and serious - to which Horsey actually says, “Ohmahgawd, best of both worlds!” The two decide to pen a message in a bottle, and after Ben writes “Once upon a time,” Horsey tells him she likes the story and thinks it’s very doctor-like. What? Fast forward.

PhD has the next date. She says she’s excited to fall in love. You are way behind the curve, darlin’. She has to go home this week. It’s not that I don’t like her, it’s just that she doesn’t get what’s required of her as a Bachelor contestant. Their date is “super cool and right up [his] alley,” according to Ben. So I have to imagine it involves being dirty, awkward, and perhaps riding in a helicopter. But, no. They play drums and basketball, ride bikes, and drink coconut milk. Again, I must ask - has ABC recast for the role of Ben? Next, there’s an “impromptu” dive for lobsters. Oh come on, ABC. Stop asking us to stretch the boundaries of logic. We all know this show, by its very nature, cannot be spontaneous is any way, shape, or form. I’m bored and annoyed. Fast forward.

Back at the house, Courtney is playing the sympathy card better than anyone I’ve ever seen. She is an amazing actress. Screw modeling. She’s actually convincing these girls that PhD is some kind of villain (okay, mostly just the empty-headed Horsey, but still). Hopefully someone will see through this. Her interview is a bit more honest. She admits that she isn’t ready to bring Ben home to her family and says that it “sucks” because she “really liked him” - not loved him. Which is not unreasonable. Just an ill-advised comment to make in the context of this show. However, Ben consistently defies logic, so this admission likely won’t make a bit of difference.

Ben and PhD appear to be having a fun date and he has very complimentary things to say about her. She’s the only girl on this show who can actually hold a conversation and not sound like a dumb twat, and I respect that. I’m actually starting to feel sorry that this girl will be forever ruined by participating in this show.

Oh wow, back at the house, we get a side shot of the Southern Alcoholic’s face, and she literally looks like a 47-year-old trailer park resident. So much so that I didn’t recognize her for a few seconds. And Courtney gets the next date. Her pathetic, whiny act immediately gets dropped. Though Kacie B. takes on a new role that is highly reminiscent of the sisters in The Fighter - she just starts swearin’ up a storm and threatening Courtney’s life.

I’m having a hard time bringing myself to watch the Courtney date at all. But I’ll suffer through it, just for y’all. Ben takes Courtney to a Mayan temple, where she immediately starts talking about human sacrifice. How does Ben not realize she’s going to murder him in the near future? Courtney then begins to make threats and tells Ben that he’s in a precarious position with her. Damn. Why didn’t ABC cast her for The Bachelorette?

In the meantime, the girls bitch about Courtney and describe her as a black widow who is digging her own grave. PhD says she will never mention this to Ben again and that she thinks he’s perceptive enough to just get it. Yeah. Keep dreaming.

Back at the Temple of Doom, Ben says he wants a “weird,” “edgy” girl like Courtney. Thus making him the least perceptive person on earth. To be fair though, Courtney is the girl who managed to make the sentence “This is steep” sound sexual. Before this horrible date ends, we see a shadow from a helicopter overhead. This show is single-handedly employing every helicopter pilot in the Americas.

Chicken McBites commercial! Processed, fried chicken is going to be on my mind all night. Breakfast, perhaps.

Back to the date. Courtney is so fake I could literally claw her eyes out. I just hate her. I also think this show is elevating my anxiety. Fast forward.

We find out that Kacie B., Piercing, and Southern Alcoholic get the three-on-one date. That sounds like a bad porno. Back on the date, Courtney shits on all of the other women, and Ben essentially responds with, “Look at all the fuck I do not give.” When PhD did this about one girl, Ben lost his cool. Now that Coutney’s doing the same thing about all of the girls, he’s as chill as a Flintstones Push-Up Pop. I tried to fast forward through this exchange, but my remote didn’t respond. I nearly had a panic attack.

Time for the next date! In the process of Ben retrieving the three ladies at 4:00am, we find out that these girls all have to sleep together. This is so jenky, ABC. Don’t be cheap like that. We then have to watch the girls hurriedly shave their armpits, legs, and bikini areas in preparation for their date. I am not pleased by this, ABC producers. That’s just rude and overly personal. Especially on a show that absolutely does not value reality in any form.

I fast forwarded through half of this date. There was kissing, scuba diving, and jealousy. Kacie B. starts letting her crazy, redneck tendencies get the better of her. She is consumed by jealousy.

Oh my god. ABC is now sponsoring “Marry Me Monday” with Jared the Galleria of Jewelry (that isn’t an overly long name at all). This must be its attempt to make up for the fact that no one in 16 seasons of The Bachelor has ever had a happy or long-lasting relationship.

Back on the date, Southern Alcoholic is slurring and talking to trees and seashells. I can’t. This is too easy. And back at the house, Courtney casually mentions that she had a “late night” with Ben. To be fair, they played Scattergories in their flannels. But the other girls are still pissed. Ben finally gives Kacie B. some attention on this date, at which point she flat out tells him she’s falling in love. I’ve never seen a guy look closer to vomiting while sober. He is not happy.

Okay. Date rose time. It’s a “big rose,” according to Ben. You can see his envy. And, wait what? Kacie B. gets the rose. Maybe the sun was just in Ben’s eyes before.

And now - Rose Ceremony! This took me more like 40 minutes to get to tonight. I think I need to replace my remote batteries. I’m waiting for the Courtney and Ben hook up sesh confrontation. However, Courtney doesn’t have a care in the world at this juncture and is totally focused on her frozen piña colada (see the title above), which annoys the other girls. How are they not just finding her antics hilarious at this point? After waxing poetic about her skanky frozen beverage, Courtney informs the other women that Ben is not the only guy in the world - to which PhD whispers angrily to Horsey, “Did she just say that Ben is not the only guy in the world?” Amazing. Why do these women make my job so easy? Finally, Chris Harrison appears and breaks up this lovely gathering to inform the women that there will be no cocktail reception - Ben has actually made up his mind about something for a change and doesn’t need any additional time. Rachel is already crying in an interview, and I have to wonder when this little snippet was filmed - before or after the outcome of the Rose Ceremony? Courtney continues to say awesome and horrible things (“I’m sure we’re all ready to go home in some way - some of us for Ben to meet our families, some of us just to go home.”).

The Rose Ceremony finally gets underway, and it looks like ABC has purchased some non-awful ties for Ben - just kidding, it’s still terrible, but at least it’s normal-sized. Ben starts the Ceremony by “stealing Courtney away.” Either they’re going to have sex or he’s going to send her home. He’s so pathetic and submissive throughout this encounter. I have to wonder if his mangina has some sort of uncomfortable infection that’s diminishing his ability to act like a man. However, we don’t see the culmination of their conversation. Instead, the two simply return to the group with a bit of awkward tension between them. Leaving me to assume that they had sex. And my suspicions are “confirmed” when Ben picks Courtney over Piercing and PhD. We all knew this was coming, but it’s harder to stomach than I anticipated. Courtney frolics over to accept her rose from Ben - barefoot. This bitch couldn’t even be bothered to put on shoes. That’s how much of a shit she does not give. But at least we learn that the clip of Piercing crying from earlier was actually filmed after the Rose Ceremony.

Next week - there will be strange horse-drawn carriages, overly protective parents, angry fathers, and awkward admissions. Oh, and a visit with Courtney’s sister. Who is Khloe Kardashian’s doppelganger. I can’t wait. Too bad I finished all of my cookie dough this weekend and have yet to get my hands on some Xanax.

“Should I just bend over and take it up the tailpipe?”

Before I start this recap, I just want to take a second and remind the world that the man pictured above is the person that 30 women quit their jobs and left their families and friends to pursue. That being said, let’s get started!

In the intro to this episode, we’ve already travelled to a new country, been on a helicopter ride, and taken all of our clothes off (Courtney…). So, we’ve basically seen the entire episode. But I’ll go ahead and subject myself to emotional torture for a bit longer. Thankfully, I was able to DVR this entire episode and thus could fast forward through large chunks of it.

The group goes to Panama this week. I guess we can figure out who our felon was (the Accountant), since the group is now free to leave the country. Donald Trump gets a very unneeded plug for his gaudy hotel (is The Apprentice moving to ABC, or something?). Courtney quickly expresses a desire to get naked and go skinny dipping with Ben once more. Please god, no.

Ben arrives, and his balls look like they want to run away - his shorts are just so damn tight. And he’s acting like a dumb 11-year-old, per the usual. He describes this as a fresh start - meaning this is day one of his post-Courtney hook-up gonorrhea.

Kacie B. correctly predicts that she’s going to get the first date. She pretends to be nervous. This makes me hate her, suddenly. I realize she’s a fake bitch. And I have to agree with Courtney - ick - that Kacie B. is annoying. Kacie B. says this date is going to potentially change her life. Yeah. Either you’re dying in a fiery helicopter crash, catching an STD, or going home to be single and jobless. Or so I hope…

This is the most boring date, ever. Helicopters. Sightseeing. Water. Jungles. Sand. Ben worries that they’ll run out of things to talk about. I haven’t heard them speak more than two words yet, and we’re only a minute or two into the date. Kacie B. had to pack three things - she chose a monkey (what???), a corkscrew (with a knife, as she emphasizes), and some unhealthy snack. Ben brought a machete, a fishing net (i.e. rope), and matches. So he’s not sending Kacie B. home. He’s killing her and leaving her body on this deserted island. Have fun defending yourself with that dinky knife! Kacie B. even says that, sometimes, couples don’t survive together. She’s more intuitive than I thought! She then says that it’s hot watching Ben hack apart a coconut. She’s probably some kind of masochistic freak. I’m sorry, but I am not trying to watch Survivor: Murder Edition. Fast forward. By the way, Kacie B.’s bikini didn’t match. I hate that. It makes me actively angry. And, also Ben, being able to cut open a coconut together does not mean y’all can do anything.

Ben and Kacie B. have dinner. She says she likes to go to the grocery store and the gym. Big time. This girl is pure excitement.

Another date card comes. Group date. Ew. Piercing and Hooters realize they have the two-on-one. I hope they have to fight to the death. Or maybe they’ll just turn lesbian for each other. I mean, Hooters does say it’s going to be “amazing” - and she’s the one who almost hooked up with a girl on night one, mind you.

Back to the dinner. It’s so, so boring. They have nothing to talk about. Ben looks like a butch lesbian camp counselor. Kacie B. says she feels old. Ben says she seems so mature. This is obviously on a relative basis. She starts talking about her high school eating disorder. Oh my god. This girl is an idiot. It’s confirmed. Ben now knows you are a bag of crazy. She even admits that she actually used to make herself puke. Ben looks like he’s about to faint. He is literally dripping with sweat. This cannot end well. But this is Ben we’re talking about. So she gets the date rose.

Ben and the other girls then go on the group date. It involves nature. And being dirty and hot and probably catching malaria. One of the girls describes Ben as being “sexy” and a “man’s man” - please, everyone, reference the photo above. This girl must be legally blind. Another describes how cool it is that the boat is a hollowed out tree. Like hundreds of thousands of other boats constructed in the history of the world. The group comes across some native children who literally flee from them. So, of course, they chase them. ABC makes the natives put on clothing. And then the group basically mocks their culture. Don’t fear though, Courtney is here to keep it real. She strips to be “more like the natives,” to be “one with nature.” PhD is obviously furious.

Horsey says she wants to be a member of Ben’s cult tribe. Ben just wants to stare at Courtney’s tits. Things happen. ABC makes the natives wait on the girls hand and foot. This is embarrassing for everyone. As is Courtney’s nameplate necklace. It’s not just Hooters who has one. I suddenly want a nameplate necklace, too. What the hell?

PhD can’t talk about anything but Courtney. She is gone this episode, I feel it. Oh my god, I think I just saw Ben’s ball sack. Fast forward.

More things happen. People chat and make out. Courtney gives Ben her room number and suggests that he come over so he can repay some favor - I can’t imagine what that might be. She says she thinks he’s itching for more one-on-one time with her - that’s not why he’s itching, Courtney.

More things happen. More people talk. PhD says she has another man in her life - ha, psych! JK, LOLZ! She’s talking about the tribal chief. Hahaha. So funn-ee. Especially since someone is about to get kicked off by ABC for that very offense.

Horsey gets the date rose. Her hair is so awful - i.e. she and Ben are a perfect match. Oh, and Courtney gets stood up by Ben later that night.

Two-on-one date time. This is four seconds away from a porno. Ben’s shorts are so tight. Again. That boner is going to be very hard to hide - ha, pun. They go dancing. I’m bored. Fast forward. God. Is there no A/C in Panama? Everyone is so sweaty. This is no bueno for Ben’s hair. They should have gone solely to arctic countries. Dinner is awkward. Everyone is silent. I hope he sends both girls home. Ben makes out with Piercing first. She moves her mouth like her jaw is dislocated. Then Hooters gives him a scrapbook. She must have huffed a lot of glue in the process of making that bad boy to think this was a good idea. And, finally, a semi-logical choice from Ben. He picks Piercing. Hooters actually runs away. She and Ben have a great little confrontation. I was expecting her to shiv him. She didn’t, sadly. But Ben totally abandons Piercing. Poor girl. Although she describes her night as being “perfect.” Really? Her night represented literally my worst dating nightmare. Hooters finally leaves. We see a montage of stray cats as she departs. Thank you, ABC. I loved that.

Finally. Drama. Chris Harrison confronts the near mute about her back-home-boy. And now she speaks. She says she might need therapy. And more or less admits that she is in love with her ex. Chris makes her go and talk to Ben. Who gets weirdly parental with her. She says all she wants is to get married. To someone. And have an escape from her ex. She’s so selfish. Ben asks her to leave. Then she moves from speaking to just generally making a lot of noise. She is the ugliest cryer. Ever. Of all time. She’s such a pretty girl, too. And one of the best dressed. Oh. By the way. The other girls all stood around and watched most this go down. They didn’t even try to be discreet. Love it!

On to the rose ceremony. Thank god. I’ve gotten this far in 34 minutes. Some girl I’ve never seen decides she needs to up the sex appeal to be more like Courtney. Except what follows is like your awkward first kiss at age 13. She sets it up for so long that Ben is expecting way more than a kiss. She also rips her dress, gives him ten minutes worth of weird and contradictory kissing instructions, and pretends like she actually just wants to get really freaky with him. I had to hide behind my hands for most of this. I have never felt so uncomfortable, ever. I never want to date again if there is even the slightest chance of it being like this. Ben’s interaction with this girl might as well have been with me - it was truly that painful to watch. And. Big, huge, massive surprise. Ben does not give her a rose. Two smart decisions in one episode. Did ABC switch actors for the role of Ben?

Next week. Another tropical country. This won’t be redundant. Someone is actually going to use the “love” word to Ben’s face! And Ben might be seeing Courtney’s true colors. And by that I mean - does the carpet match the drapes? Not - is she as much of a bitch as the rest of the world says she is?

Well, I’m exhausted now. And, for the first time, I think I want to be single. Forever. Dating is terrifying.

P.S. Yes, the title is a Courtney quote. No, it is not something she said to Ben.

“Who knew that strippers could play baseball?”

The Bachelor is like an STD. In the case of STDs, you’re terribly afraid of catching one and very, very upset if you do - but you just like sex so much that you’re willing to put yourself in harms way. Likewise, I know I shouldn’t be watching The Bachelor, I know it’s not good for me, I know I’ll get sucked in by the Maury-like drama, I know I’ll regret wasting these hours of my life at some later date - but I perversely enjoy the sheer ridiculousness of this show so much that I cannot stop watching.

Tonight’s episode started with - believe it or not - the group traveling to a new location. At this point, I’m just wondering if they’re being asked to leave every town in which they show up to film after day two. If I was the mayor of San Francisco, I certainly would have banned ABC, Ben, and all those semi-crazy women from my town after that obnoxious skiing stunt. Similarly, if I was the mayor of the community in Utah where they filmed last week, I would want The Bachelor to leave as quickly as possible so as to avoid reinforcing our polygamy stereotype.

In any event, this week, the group goes to Puerto Rico - which is obviously just the pinnacle of romance and luxury, as evidenced by this not at all low-budget tourism ad. Which of these ladies has a criminal record that’s preventing the group from leaving the country? When Ben arrives and conducts his first interview about how beautiful all his women and Puerto Rico are - you can see the little boy fantasies swirling in his head - I almost gagged from how absolutely sick and disgusting his hair looked. It has never been so greasy, frizzy, center-parted, and flippy all at once. I had to look away. Thankfully, his gaggle of women quickly comes bounding onto the scene, skipping across the beach as though they were auditioning for the Sports Illustrated Special Ed Swimsuit Edition.

They are quickly led to their hotel, where they all pee their pants over a couple of round, purple sofas. I’ve never seen a single person - let alone an entire group of people - get so excited over a sofa. Or over any piece of furniture. They all pile on like a bunch of overeager puppies - not cute ones, either. I started to wonder if perhaps some of these women were homeless before coming on the show (“The Bachelor - three hots, a cot, and pubic lice.”). If not, they will likely be once they get kicked off of the show, as most of these women gave up their jobs for filthy serial killer/man-child Ben.

The Southern girl with the ruddy, alcoholic face gets the first date of the trip. She expresses how sad she’ll be if she gets sent home. Duh. I feel like they must just give these women a teleprompter to read from - they all say the same things, and I doubt most of them are capable of stringing together a coherent sentence independently. The date starts out in a helicopter. Surprise. I read some interview with Ben over the course of the past week where he mentioned that someone told him he needed to bring back helicopter dates, “…like on the ‘old school’ Bachelor episodes.” As if this show has been on since the 1970s. I know the attention spans of the individuals on this show are so short that it might seem as though the show has been around that long, but it really, really has not. In any case - Ben, mission accomplished. You have brought back helicopters in a big way.

Once they exit the helicopter, it promptly starts raining. I was so relieved that Ben had another wet hair moment to help me temporarily forget how slimy his hair is. Ben explains that they had an exciting date of “walking around” planned, but that his grand plans have been ruined by the rain. And the fact that they’re apparently being chased by a cat. Ben then states that you can’t travel without something going wrong. Which might explain why this show is such an epic failure. Perhaps if they weren’t always traveling, one Bachelor would actually have a successful relationship.

Ben and the Southern alcoholic then decide to buy new clothing so they don’t start to mildew (Ben’s hair is always in some state of partial mildew, so he really doesn’t need to let the stench get any worse). Ben says stupid things in Spanish and throws on an entirely white outfit. It looks like something your dad might pack to wear to the “fancy dinner” on your five-day-long Christmas vacation cruise to the Caribbean and Mexico. Meanwhile, the Southern alcoholic dons a tablecloth. They’re halfway to the most embarrassing family vacation portrait of all time. They then go sit and watch some people get married. Because that’s a totally normal first date. The Southern alcoholic begins having flashbacks of her previous marriage. She says that watching the wedding brings back “old feelings,” but then flip-flops and says it just increases her feelings for Ben. I’m pretty sure she’s drunk or that there are some kind of noxious chemicals in the fabric of her tablecloth dress that are going to her head.

The date closes out with a glass a few bottles of wine on one of those incredibly exciting couches. Ben continues to try his hand at speaking in other languages. Somehow, calling wine “vino” was more upsetting than when he said things like, “It’s raining gatos.” The conversation takes an uncomfortable turn when the Southern alcoholic starts talking about how much she wants to be married again - because, obviously, her first marital failure presents many compelling reasons for Ben to give her the date rose and, later, make her his wife. Ben proves how out-of-touch he is with adult emotions when he asks, “How do you deal with divorce? Do you, like, go to counseling or something?” I felt like he was a child talking to his mom. As she gave her answer, his eyes completely glazed over and he began fiddling with his dirty hair, only furthering my impression that he has no idea what real emotions and/or adult problems are. Thankfully, we cut back to the house shortly after this moving chat.

The girl they pulled from Jerseylicious starts drunkenly whining about not going on a single one-on-one date. I’m thinking she’s the next pageant girl. Hooters begins reprimanding her, but I couldn’t really focus on what she was saying because her ridiculous nameplate necklace was so distracting. The next date card arrives. The clue has something to do with diamonds, and you can see all of the girls’ brains totally turn to mush after the word “diamonds” is read aloud. Hooters doesn’t get picked, and she expresses disappointment over not being able to show Ben her “fun” and “romantic” sides - i.e. her left and right breasts. But then I see her later on the date, so one of us clearly misunderstood the date card.

Back to this miserable one-on-one for a second. Ben tells the Southern alcoholic that it’s OK that she was married before because she was “young” - she seems legitimately shocked, as if she had never before considered this. As soon as the light bulb in her brain gets turned on though, Ben gives her the rose and it promptly turns off. They begin sloppily tonguing each others mouths, and I had to start fast forwarding.

Ah - preview for the date coming up after the commercial. So much screaming. My ears are bleeding. Some awful Honda commercial comes on where this girl is telling her boyfriend she wants a baby. Honda knows its target market. Well done. I almost forgot we had actually cut to commercial.

On to the next date. Ben waits for the ladies outside of some ramshackle baseball stadium to “play with his balls a little ball.” The women make note of how there is no jewelry on this date. They also note that Puerto Rico is “known” for baseball and claim that having a baseball date in Puerto Rico is way better than doing something that involves diamonds. And my suspicions about a teleprompter are confirmed. Ben seems distracted at the beginning of the date by his hair and tight shorts. The women are distracted by each other’s neon attire and the attractive baseball player giving them “lessons” - I vote for them leaving Ben there and taking the baseball player home. His shirt says “Gigante” on it - like, hello… Then, O.M.G., Chris Harrison shows up. I think this is a first. I’m immediately so much happier. I think we should make him the next Bachelor. That is, until he reveals himself to be a catty bitch. He tells them, “We’re having this ah-mayyy-zing party, but half of you aren’t invited. Natch.” Ben agrees that this is an awesome, not-at-all drama-inducing idea. Chris then explains that one woman will play for both teams and thus will be guaranteed an invite to the super shibby beach party. As such, I was sure Ben would pick Nose Piercing. But, no. He picked Horsey. Hooters starts getting a little anxious and explains that she wants to win so badly she can taste it. I’m pretty sure she thinks “playing ball” has something to do with Ben’s groin area.

This game is, like, “CRAZY COMPETITIVE,” says the girl who’s now spoken for about 34 seconds on the show. I mean, obviously it’s, like, super intense because the girls have eye black on their faces. You know they wouldn’t mess up their makeup if it wasn’t for hardcore competition true love. Ben looks even more like a man-child in his baseball outfit, as if he’s attempting to recreate the poster for the movie Jack. It isn’t even fitted or sexy. It’s just loose and baggy and unappealing, like he bought it from a costume store that only had a size XL. Kacie B. starts to get a little wound up, and her crazy starts to reveal itself. She starts screaming “Bitches!” as mascara and eye black run down her cheeks. The baseball started getting really boring - I can’t watch more than a couple of innings of real baseball on TV, so I was definitely not committing myself to 25 minutes of Bachelor baseball. Especially when these women are talking about things like “the agony of defeat” and Ben compares the Blue Team’s loss to losing the World Series.

When her team loses, Hooters starts crying and says, “It sucks that I’m feeling so strongly for someone that I’ve only spent a small amount of time with.” No, dear, that doesn’t “suck.” It’s just an ill-advised decision that makes you look deranged. Several women make mention, through their tears, of how “precious” time with Ben is, and I just wish that one of them would use her “precious, precious time with him” to give him a bath. And not in a sexy way, either (not trying to give Courtney more ideas).

Oh my god, I’m not even halfway through this episode.

The “romantic” half group date gets underway. Courtney has a moment where she seems genuinely nice as she describes how beautiful the setting is - but then she immediately switches back to bitchiness when she mocks the “losers” and imitates them crying on the bus ride home. Really? A bus? That’s just absurd. I know Puerto Rico might not be the most luxurious place, but I think ABC could have sent the girls home in something nicer than a prison bus. I actually think there were bars on the windows. Though in about three episodes, ABC will probably need to cart a girl, or multiple girls, off to the asylum jail in a bus like that. Hopefully after said girl(s) hack Courtney up with a machete. Courtney starts talking about girls being “annoying,” “hot messes.” Homegirl, please. Until you keep your mouth closed for five minutes and tweeze your eyebrows, you’re going to have to decide if you want to be the pot or the kettle.

Ben and Kacie B. have some alone time. Ben describes his former relationships as being “interesting.” Like a bad dye job. Or an unfortunate Christmas sweater. Meanwhile, the “losers” go home and whine a lot. The PhD student looks like she’s about to vomit as she says, “So, we’re back here to hang out with….you guys.” Kacie B. gets interviewed about connecting with Ben on a “serious” level. Because hearing about his “interesting” prior relationships is, like, so deep. Sorry, sweetie, but your talk was not nearly as serious as your Jheri curl. Ben gives her the date rose because she “listens” to him - i.e. her brain doesn’t work fast enough for her to be an active participant in the conversation.

Courtney gets all pissy, of course, and says Ben needs a “woman,” not a “girl” like Kacie B. And she’s probably right. He clearly needs a Mommy. Because he’s approximately 12-years-old. So she takes him for a walk on the beach. In her acrylic heels. Yes, this is the girl who had the audacity to describe Hooters as a “stripper” during the baseball game. Annnnnd here comes the skinny dipping we’ve all been waiting for. The music leading up to this moment was incredible. Very intense. Oh wait. Nevermind. Ben pusses out - for now. But we do get some Courtney side-boob action. Gross.

Anyway, the date ends and Jerseylicious gets the next one-on-one. I’m bored already. Who is this girl? Did she just come back from a one-night-stand with The Situation? Also, why is she crying? Why did she give up her job to be here? I’m so disgusted. Fast forward. She has really ugly luggage, by the way.

My DVR totally crapped out at this point. It began to shuffle through the remainder of the episode like a sign from the heavens that I should not be watching The Bachelor. Unfortunately Thankfully, however, it was available online by the time I made it this far. But I was really tired. So I fast forwarded through most of the rest.

The date with Jerseylicious looked super boring. And, for the first time, a girl does not receive the one-on-one date rose. That’s right. Jerseylicious gets sent home. She acts surprised, but really, if Ben doesn’t give you any one-on-one time until Episode 5, you have to know he really does not give a shit about you. But keep telling yourself you’re “successful” when you go home and have no job. No wonder they showed us a close-up of her ugly, quilted luggage earlier…

When Ben returns home from his date, there’s Courtney creepily waiting for him outside of his hotel room. Which will be similar to what she does before she bludgeons him to death. Unsurprisingly, Ben doesn’t really take her creepiness poorly and, in fact, finally agrees to go skinny dipping with her. I’m sure they played just-the-tip and paintbrush. I was so disgusted by this encounter that I had to fast forward to the rose ceremony.

Courtney has some scary, Cruel Intentions slash Bad Girls Club-like comments (“You better check yourself, bitch.”). The PhD student continues to defy logic and lessons from all the prior Bachelor seasons by ragging on Courtney right to Ben’s face (like, hello dumb-dumb, he just got it in with her, he is not going to listen to you). But she doesn’t get kicked off. Shockingly, the accountant does. In my opinion, she was the only one who seemed to really like Ben and not just the idea of “winning,” (except for maybe Kacie B.) and they seemed to have chemistry and fun together (relatively speaking) even if she was a little weird and awkward at times. But Ben clearly has no idea what’s good for him. I mean, he proposed to Ashley.

The end. I’m off to find a tub of cookie dough and a tranquilizer gun.

P.S. Is anyone surprised by the title of this recap? That was probably the second best Bachelor quote ever.

P.P.S. Ben writes a travel guide on ABC’s website. No joke.

I Would Have Been an Ideal Bachelor Contestant at Age Ten

Ask anyone who knows me and they’ll confirm it - I’m a little “boy crazy.” Not so much in the sense that I’m always going out and hooking up with guys, commenting on whether or not guys are attractive, or eye-fucking dudes at the bar or on the street. Rather, I always find myself having a serious crush, or a boyfriend, or a friend with benefits that I’m trying to mold into a boyfriend. I fall in “love” easily. Not real love, mind you, but deep infatuation that’s close enough to love such that we can just call it that for the sake of simplicity. I’ve only known real, true love once, but I really like the people who I like at all.

In any case - while perusing my childhood diaries, I was a bit shocked at how lifelong my fixation on boys has been. It really started in second grade with my crush on a boy named T.G., but the first serious interest was in B.L., which started in fourth grade and extended until seventh or eighth grade. Since then, it’s basically been a revolving door of boys and men. Not really by choice - I’d happily settle down with one (not marry, at least right now), but my relationships haven’t lasted for more than two years since high school, and once one is over, I’m onto the next within a few months.

Below, I’ve provided excerpts from my diary entries that describe my feelings for various guys, give “love” and relationship advice, and generally exhibit how ridiculous I am (or was, let’s go with “was,” that’s more flattering). Some of these entries make me feel like I would have fit right in as a contestant on The Bachelor at age ten. I apologize that some are on the lengthy side, but I find them too amusing to condense.

Childhood Impressions of How Relationships Work - January 6, 1995

“Mom worked had today. Dad sent Mom flowers today.”

As far as I’m concerned, at least based on my current understanding of how relationships work, these two sentences do not represent causation or correlation.

Blossoming Love, Soon to be Forgotten - May 13, 1998 

“I found out that [J.A.] likes me as his closest girl as a friend (at least one of them). I love love love love love love love love love him so much. He does not know. Someday I will tell him.”

This is the first example of how I (A) overinflate/overestimate my feelings for guys and (B) Develop feelings even when the other person clearly does not reciprocate them (I’m excited over being just one of his closest female friends, really?).

New Romance - January 3, 1999

“I got over my crush on [J.A.]. I know (sic) love love love love love love love lovelove [B.L.], even though he is 13 and I am only 10. I think he might really like me a little. If not, at least we are friends.”

Here’s where I began to (A) Go after older men and (B) Settle for less than what I want in the hopes that the circumstances will change (by the way, they never do).

I Just Can’t Shake This Lovin’ Feelin’ - June 1999 to November 2000

June 18, 1999: “I am extremely, very, a lot in love with [B.L.] He is soooo dreamy. He is also extremely handsome with brown hair and very tan skin. He is really nice to me and he is funny by being really sarcastic and judgemental (sic). I really wish I had the nerve to tell him that I love him even though he is 13 and I am 10. Oh well, if I never tell him I love him, we are still really good friends.”

I guess this is where my trend of picking snarky, i.e. douchy, guys who don’t actually have feelings for me began

July 30, 1999: “Tonight I went and said goodbye to my beloved, [B.L.]. I even got to hug him. But, it was a juevenille (sic) kidish hug so it doesn’t count! I really like him and it is too bad that I didn’t tell him or that he doesn’t feel the same way I do. Oh well!”

Ah yes, I am always so cavalier about “heartbreak” and tend to just put it back on myself. Also, the gall of a ten-year-old describing anything as “juvenile.” My lord…

October 24, 1999: “I still LOVE my darling, [B.L.]

February 22, 2000: “Oh yeah, ____ ____ ____ of ____ ____ ____ and ____ getting married. Isn’t that funny?”

Can you believe it? I actually self-censored. I crossed all of those words out so well that there is no chance of making them out now. But, I have a feeling I can fill in the blanks pretty accurately.

March 7, 2000: “I made a play on the computer today about [B.L.] and me…It’s cool!”

No, it’s not cool. It’s not cool at all. This is probably the last point in life where you can get away with being this creepy.

November 19, 2000: “Let me tell you about my love, [B.L.]. He’s 5’10”, brown spikey hair, hazel eyes, great smile, tan, extremely funny, 15 years old, lives in Indiana, has 1 brother, 1 dog, nice, charming, handsome, suave. I could go on and on. Now don’t think I’m one of those phyco (sic) girls who would hurl themselves off a bridge if he got hurt. I just like him a lot…he’s so cool.”

It’s funny that I felt the need to qualify my ramblings on “love.” I clearly knew I was acting like a psycho.

November 20, 2000: “I told [B.L.] that he was my best friend. I wish he was my bf. He’s so hot!”

First preview of how superficial I can be.

November 21, 2000: “[B.L.] is SOOO HOT! I wish he was mine!”

The superficiality continues.

I Have Love ADD - June 2000 to February 2001

[NO DATE]: “SORRY Newsbreak! Title: Crushes & Guys. Last night I went to [a Christmas party] and [S.H.] and [V.H.] were there. We had fun. I AM IN LOVE WITH [V.H.]! He’s kinda cute, he has braces, glasses (not dorky), dark brown hair, tan skin, and brown eyes. They invited me to come watch a movie with them…and I said yes…after [S.H.] fell asleep…[V.H.] walked me to the elevator. I WISH HE WOULD HAVE KISSED ME! Then there’s [B.L.]. I was talking with him today and he found out about my dad [being gay] and it was like a love scene from Sweet Valley. AAHH! I love him too (well neither love but crushes). THEN! There’s [D.G.]. He’s cute with blue eyes and blond hair and he can be really sweet and funny when he wants to…I’M CONFUSED!”

It’s like a love scene from Sweet Valley? Didn’t one twin’s boyfriend cheat on her with the other twin? Didn’t some girl get date raped? Didn’t the “artsy” girl get crushed during an earthquake only to have her “popular” boyfriend watch her die? Great comparison.

December 19, 2000: “Oh diary, I’m still in a pickle. I know [D.G.] will probably never be the one for me, and neither will [B.L.], but I’m still hung up on [B.L.] and [V.H.]. I love them just as much, except [B.L.]’s a tad better looking, so to solve it, I’m going to make a girl characteristic quiz and send it to them and then see who describes me the most…P.S. I’m soooo embarrassed that I talk about [B.L.] so much because I don’t wanna sound like some obsessed stalker. Extra note - I don’t love either of them.”

I’m still in a pickle because (A) Probably only one day has gone by since the last entry and (B) I’m an idiot. Also, glad to see that I’m starting to understand that these “crushes” are not love and that I sound straight crazy. By the way - I did NOT send that “quiz,” thank god.

December 20, 2000: “[B.L.] Pros and Cons. Pros: cute, funny, is super nice to me, shares secrets with me, only 2 grades older. Cons: lives far away, doesn’t love me (actually, I don’t know). [V.H.] Pros and Cons. Pros: really nice and funny, lives close, only 2 grades older, has a sister who’s my friend, HAS A CRUSH ON ME! Cons: has girlfriend (?), semi-cute. If he got hair cut and dyed, got clothes from AF, would be awesome! So, [V.H.] is better, but I still really like [B.L.].”

There are such serious problems with these lists, the least of which is my desire for a man to dress in clothes from Abercrombie & Fitch. “Doesn’t love me” and “Has girlfriend” are not “Cons,” they are deal breakers (if love was actually a factor here, at least).

January 15, 2001: “I’m totally in love with this 37 (looks 27) year old Spanish (close-Latin) actor (Julia Roberts’ boyfriend) who was a star in the best (and funniest) movie ever. It also starred Sandra Bullok (sic) [Miss Congeniality]! SHOW TO MY KIDS ONE DAY!”

January 19, 2001: “[B.L.] is sending me a pic. He better be hot because I LIKE HIM A LOT! I wish someone would hurry up and come kiss me. I really wonder what it’s like, of course it would have to be [B.L.] or [D.G.]”

What an attitude. For a girl who was an ugly duckling and had never been kissed, demanding that anyone be hot or having preferences as to her first kiss is a bit ridiculous.

February ?, 2001: “I kinda got caught up in something and forgot about [B.L.]. I gotta be charming when I see him! OH GOSH (hehe). I REALLY WISH HE LIKED ME!”

How quickly my “love” wavered.

Commentary on Relationships and Other Sage Advice - June 1999 to November 2000

June 17, 1999: “I think my dad is gay but he married a woman because society does not accept gay people.”

I would still say this, but obviously I now “know,” and the acceptance bit is a past tense thing/the motivation for his decision-making in the past.

July 30, 1999: “…here is some food for thought:

How To Tell If a Boy Likes You

(1) He’s even more annoying than usual

(2) He acts differently around you than other girls

(3) A boy who is nice is nicer”

Where did I get this advice from? The Disney Channel? Lizzy McGuire? Sure, #2 and #3 are probably accurate - but here’s a big fuck you to any guy who tries to pull #1 and expects me to take that as a good sign.

June 18, 2000: “[Classmate] and I started becoming less friends…All [she] cares about is…impossible loves with older actors (and ugly ones) like C. Thomas Howell and Frankie Muniz (BLAH!)”

Apparently, I am a bit of a hypocrite. I am the first to get so wrapped up in a guy that I let my friendships suffer as a result. I’m such a bitch.

November 19, 2000: “[B.L.] is 15 and I’m only 12, but age shouldn’t matter as long as he doesn’t take advantage of me”

I still wholeheartedly agree with this assessment, though the age gap thing has proven more problematic as an adult than I would have imagined.

“I almost just want to rip her head off and verbally assault her.”

Each week, despite my one-time disdain for and disgust over InterventionThe Bachelor, I find myself watching the show and live-tweeting my reactions.  As such, I thought it was high time to provide a recap of one of these crazy episodes.  I’m not sure I can bear to make this a weekly blog entry, but last night’s episode was just so out of control that this needed to happen.  It’s basically my way of coping with how scared I am after watching this show - even after I fast forward through two-thirds of it.

In any case, last night’s episode began with Ben Flaj-a-neliak, whatever, and his gaggle of semi-retarded, semi-attractive, brainwashed groupies going….somewhere.  They are always going somewhere.  This time I think it was Utah.  Which is fitting because Ben is bascially some kind of polygamist cult leader, and these women are about two episodes away from donning Little House on the Prairie dresses and braiding each other’s hair.  I really can’t understand why ABC feels the need to fly these women all over the world and pay for Ben to take them on highly elaborate, extremely expensive dates. 

(A) That’s not at all what a real-life relationship with Ben would be like, so ABC is just setting the relationships and thus the show up for inevitable failure once the cameras stop rolling.  

(B) These women have proven that they would happily frolic around in manure if it meant getting a cheap, already dying rose from the ever-so-greasy Ben, so why does ABC bother spending any money away on these dates?

In any case, the cute, husky-voiced, blond-haired chick with the tragic nose ring got to go on the first one-on-one date.  This girl is from New York and definitely looks like she’s gotten it on with another girl at some point, one who probably could have passed for a guy if you squinted a little bit.  So taking her on a canoeing date seems ill-advised (or maybe perfect?).  But whatever.  Ben has proven to me thus far in the season that he could not give two shits about the girls’ personalities as he picks dates for them to go on (ha, what am I saying - we all know Chris Harrison is picking these dates).

Anyway, they go on their little outing.  I fast forwarded through half of it.  Though I periodically stopped to hear the girls back at the house bitch and struggle to hold back their tears.  Ben and Nose Piercing have dinner, and Ben looks like he’s absolutely disgusted by her.  His facial expressions read like “Are you sure you’re a woman?  What is going on with your nose?  Are you a smoker?  Why do your eyes keep bugging out when you talk?  Why are you wearing so much eyeliner.”  I’m thinking this girl is going home, fo’ sho’.  Especially after she gives Ben some bullshit speech about how she has a hard time communicating, being honest, opening up, etc. - basically, she lacks all of the attributes that are required for a healthy, long-lasting relationship.  But because Ben has shown that he has absolute shit taste in women (Ashley, Courtney, etc.), he becomes elated by this admission and gives her the sad, likely diseased date rose.  Nose Piercing goes home, bitches are totally surprised she’s still there, and everyone puts on a fake happy face - except of course Courtney, who literally looks like she has feces spread all over her upper lip 96% of the time.

The next day, an alarmingly large group of girls goes on a fishing date with Ben.  Another nature date.  Cool.  This isn’t boring and monotonous at all.  Also, I have to wonder - is this some bizarre hunter/gatherer mating ritual held over from our Neanderthal days that Ben is trying to revive?  “If you catch me fish, I make you wife.”  Something like that?  These girls are all so obviously pissed that they’re wading around in a creek and that the humidity is making their hair look like shit (as if most of their hair didn’t already look like shit - but thank the lord baby Jeuss that someone was finally allowed to touch up their roots on this episode).  Within five minutes of donning their fly fishing gear, they all take on this expression of having been lobotomized.  Which I think Ben would probably be into (“Oh, you’re so limp and quiet.  Neat.  I’m going to make my move.  I love pathetic, submissive women.”)

Kacie B. (the spelling of her name is such a problem) ups her Southern charm act, which is actually fairly effective at hiding how unintelligent and stalkerish she is (let’s not forget, she said in her first interview in EPISODE ONE that she was falling for Ben and that they would be great together because they’ve both gone through “things”), and gets Ben to help her catch a fish (they fail).  Ben pretends to be helping her with the fishing, but you can tell he’s just thinking about controlling his boner (he essentially admits this later on the group date).

Of course, Courtney decides this is her moment to steal Ben away.  They go off together and actually manage to catch a fish.  Ben and Courtney both look overjoyed (“You make good wife.  You bring food to family.”), but Courtney’s facial expression returns to that horrible look of sinister plotting the very moment Ben turns away to grab the fish.  She makes him kiss it, and you can tell how much she enjoys the fact that his mouth has to touch that slimy, dirty fish - it is so painfully obvious that she has zero feelings for Ben and that she would be the girl who wins the competition and then murders him.

More things happen, the group goes back to whatever resort they’re staying at (which is definitely not as nice as ABC’s lighting and floral arrangements make it appear to be), and do things.  Mostly drink and hang out in the pool.  The usual.  I mean, all I ever want is to be cold, damp, and drunk - duh.  Girls talk to Ben.  They get all giddy - probably because the fact that Ben’s hair is wet disguises how filthy and greasy it is - and they say things like “I’m falling for him” and “I’m scared by how strong my feelings for Ben are.”  Yes, you should be scared.  Because it makes you look straight crazy.  And when you undoubtedly get sent home, you’re going to be really scared by how few romantic prospects you have now that dudes know you’re a crazy, stage-five clinger.  Let’s be real girls.  The overwhelming majority of you will go home without a rose and will then have to pick up the pieces of your pre-Bachelor lives.  And being on this embarrassing show is going to make that exceptionally difficult.  Being on The Bachelor is bad for women the same way that our wedding boards on Pinterest are bad - it provides men with alarmingly clear insight into how nuts we are.  They don’t have to think we’re crazy or wonder whether or not we’re crazy - they now have proof.

Anyway, former beauty queen and resident alcoholic Samantha makes the unwise decision to pull Ben away from a make-out session (I think) to have a “chat.”  And there is no attempt on her part to sugarcoat what she wants to say - or maybe there was, but the alcohol had other plans.  In any case, she blurts out, “I want one-on-one time.  I deserve that.  Why are you only bringing me on group dates?  What does that mean?”  Ben looks horrified, as he is not into strong, assertive women raving lunatic alcoholics.  He says to her, “I don’t think you’ve earned a one-on-one date based on your behavior on the group dates” - i.e. you’re always hammered drunk and it’s just sloppy and embarrassing and I don’t want to play babysitter to you on a one-on-one date.  He then informs her that this is going nowhere and she needs to leave right now.  She sits there looking dumb stunned for a moment.  Clearly, no guy has ever told her to leave.  Usually, they just leave her in the middle of the night.  She creepily begins licking her lips and chuckling.  Her tongue motions are terrifying.  She looks like she has a five-pound weight attached to her tongue.  She then starts to cry - like every other time we see her on this show - and Ben sends her away.  She doesn’t even get an interview in the car.  Unless I fast forwarded through that.

Courtney then takes this moment where Ben is feeling a twinge of guilt, or some other human emotion, to whine to him about how hard this process is and how insecure it makes her.  Instead of reacting like a normal guy - “Wow, you’re a whiny bitch.  I’m sending you home too.” - Ben dons his Bachelor superhero cape and says “I need to reassure her.”  As such, he gives her the date rose.  She looks elated for a split second, but - of course - as soon as Ben turns away to rub some olive oil and bacon grease on his hair, that sickening look of pure evil returns to her face.

More things happen.  Ben then takes the maroon-haired accountant on a date.  She is prettier under ABC’s lighting than the light of the sun.  I have a feeling she might be the craziest one of the bunch but is just really effective at keeping it under wraps.  Ben takes her hiking.  Surprise.  And then they find a “No Trespassing” sign.  Naturally, that’s where the date is taking place (ABC can do anything).  They hop a fence and approach a huge crater in the ground with scary barbed wire and caution tape all around it.  NBD.  Looks like a swell place for a date.  This is where I had a revelation.  Ben is probably the next Ted Bundy (though he isn’t even that charming or attractive).  I mean, look at him.  The limp, dirty hair.  The lack of any real human emotions.  The strange tinge of joy in his voice when he says things like “And then she told me how much this process was tearing her apart.”  Throw some oversized glasses on this dude and he is a 1970’s sociopathic serial killer.  So he takes the accountant down into this hole for a swim and a bit of tongue action, though he is clearly preoccupied by thoughts of taking someone here later and killing him or her.  Hey, sometimes you just have to kill two birds with one stone (ha, pun) - get your date over with and stake out your next kill spot.

Anyway, Ben and the accountant hang out, kiss, and have some insipid conversations.  I fast forwarded through most of this.  He gives her a rose.  Not sure why, although he’s given everyone a rose on his one-on-one dates.  She looks like she’s going to cry, pee her pants, and puke all at once.  They go to some concert being attended solely by paid ABC extras.  She goes home.  Bitches are pissed that she’s still there, but she’s probably the “nicest” - at least for now - so they mostly don’t give her any shit.

Lots of other things happened on this episode, but it’s really hard to condense two hours into a manageable recap - even when you watch the whole episode in under 35 minutes.  So, let’s just skip to the rose ceremony where the drama erupted.

Courtney has been a disgusting c*nt throughout this episode, and the girls are roughly one episode away from forming a lynch mob and killing her.  She says all kinds of awful, shockingly bitchy things that you think only screenwriters can come up with to try and make everyone feel like crap.  Really - and I wish the other girls realized this - her behavior just shows how absolutely insecure she is.  If she was as confident as she claims to be and if she really felt like she had an awesome connection with Ben, she wouldn’t need to tear the other girls down.  I think her behavior toward the other girls also demonstrates how fake her connection with Ben is - she’s only in this for the “win,” so I’m sure she worries that she might give herself away and lose her chance at reality TV glory. 

The PhD student, who is clearly not getting her doctoral degree in interpersonal relationships (or maybe she is and the problem is just that Courtney and Ben aren’t really humans), decides to go to Ben and tell him what an evil troll Courtney is.  He basically tells her “Fuck you.  Courtney is hot.  Next week, I’m going to bone her.  If you mess with my game any further, you’re out.  Because I know you’re not putting out.” 

She cries and whines to the other girls.  Of course, one of them runs and tells Courtney what happened - it’s that one girl who has opened her mouth for a grand total of about 27 seconds on this show, so I’m sure Chris Harrison directed her to do this.  Courtney goes on a tirade where she says things like, “I don’t start fights, I finish them” (did I just switch over to Mob Wives?) and “I almost just want to rip her head off and verbally assault her. Or shave her eyebrows off in the middle of the night.”  I’d pick the former.  The PhD student barely has any eyebrows as it is - she won’t miss them much.

Girls cry, everyone is unhappy.  Probably because Ben looks filthy and is wearing a tie so skinny it gives the bolo tie a run for its money.  He hands out roses.  The PhD student gets the last rose as a weird form of passive aggressive punishment for trying to save Ben from Courtney (who I really believe will murder him if she wins this show).  A big-boned, older looking girl goes home.  She cries in the car.  But she’ll be really happy in, like, two seconds when she no longer has to worry about Ben’s hair grease staining her clothing.

The end.  Now, I’m going to go douche my eyes with Summer’s Eve and drink a wine cooler to forgot about the train wreck that was this episode.