Though I have never been single for longer than three or four months, I’ve been on surprisingly few “first dates.” Sure, in the most nominal sense, I’ve had a first date with every person I’ve ever been in any type of relationship with that spans beyond a hook-up. However, when I say “first date,” I’m really referring to the first time you ever spend with another person - this is in contrast to how most of my prior relationships have begun, which is to say that I’ve usually known my boyfriends through mutual friends or shared social circles before we’ve actually become an item and started going on dates. First dates in the sense that I’m referring to are absolutely horrible. They are anxiety-inducing and prone to ending disastrously. I can honestly say I’ve only had two good first dates. A few months ago, I wrote about a pretty awful first date, but I didn’t know what “awful” really was back then. Nowadays, I do. Below are snippets of conversation from the most tragic, horrendous date I could ever imagine. They speak for themselves.
Yale Nerd: I don’t really understand, watch, or enjoy football. If I don’t do something myself, I just can’t care about it.
Me: Do you go to or like movies?
Yale Nerd: Sure.
Me: You’re not an actor though.
Yale Nerd: That’s true.
Yale Nerd: As I’ve gotten older, I’ve actually gotten less social. My senior year of college, I joined the chess club, and now, I go out with my friends and talk about simple math and do math problems. They go to Columbia.
Yale Nerd: Let me ask you something. I ask everyone this. What color is the number five?
Yale Nerd: Okay, okay, so you don’t have synesthesia.
Me: *blank stare*
Yale Nerd: Yeah, I didn’t think you would. Only 1% of the population does. It’s where you randomly associate colors with numbers and letters. I read a lot about math geniuses, and many of them have this ability. So I’ve been training myself to do the same thing, because I don’t naturally have synesthesia either. You know, number five is green, nine is pink, and so on.
Me: So, do you have a lot of friends from college in the city?
Yale Nerd: Oh yeah, a ton. Lots. You?
Me: Not too many. Most of my graduating class/sorority pledge class wound up in D.C. I’m actually kind of glad though that there aren’t a ton of us in New York because it forced me to branch out and meet new people instead of continuing to live the same lifestyle I did in college.
Yale Nerd: That’s bitchy.
Yale Nerd: That’s really bitchy.
Me: I have no idea what I just said that could possibly be considered bitchy.
Yale Nerd: Would you let you kids play football?
Me: Sure, if they want to, why not?
Yale Nerd: Aren’t you worried about injuries?
Me: Well sure, but the game isn’t that rough at the middle school or high school levels. And you could get injured doing just about anything. Take horseback riding. You could fall and break your neck.
Yale Nerd: I guess so. But I wouldn’t let my kids play football. Actually, I aspire to be a Tiger Dad. Are you familiar with that term?
Me: Yes - and do you really know what you’re implying? A lot of those kids are very depressed, lack social skills, etcetera.
Yale Nerd: Yeah, but they’re, like, killing it - math, science, violin.
Me: I don’t think having a parent essentially abuse you into being perfect at completing some task is really the best choice. There are more important things than being good at a task. I would just be worried that your children wouldn’t have time to socialize with their peers, would become depressed because they hate the things you’re making them do, or would start to resent you for treating them like you’re a military sergeant.
Yale Nerd: Well, I’d be more worried about your kids if you plan on letting them play football. They’ll probably get head injuries and become retarded.