The Bachelor is like an STD. In the case of STDs, you’re terribly afraid of catching one and very, very upset if you do - but you just like sex so much that you’re willing to put yourself in harms way. Likewise, I know I shouldn’t be watching The Bachelor, I know it’s not good for me, I know I’ll get sucked in by the Maury-like drama, I know I’ll regret wasting these hours of my life at some later date - but I perversely enjoy the sheer ridiculousness of this show so much that I cannot stop watching.
Tonight’s episode started with - believe it or not - the group traveling to a new location. At this point, I’m just wondering if they’re being asked to leave every town in which they show up to film after day two. If I was the mayor of San Francisco, I certainly would have banned ABC, Ben, and all those semi-crazy women from my town after that obnoxious skiing stunt. Similarly, if I was the mayor of the community in Utah where they filmed last week, I would want The Bachelor to leave as quickly as possible so as to avoid reinforcing our polygamy stereotype.
In any event, this week, the group goes to Puerto Rico - which is obviously just the pinnacle of romance and luxury, as evidenced by this not at all low-budget tourism ad. Which of these ladies has a criminal record that’s preventing the group from leaving the country? When Ben arrives and conducts his first interview about how beautiful all his women and Puerto Rico are - you can see the little boy fantasies swirling in his head - I almost gagged from how absolutely sick and disgusting his hair looked. It has never been so greasy, frizzy, center-parted, and flippy all at once. I had to look away. Thankfully, his gaggle of women quickly comes bounding onto the scene, skipping across the beach as though they were auditioning for the Sports Illustrated Special Ed Swimsuit Edition.
They are quickly led to their hotel, where they all pee their pants over a couple of round, purple sofas. I’ve never seen a single person - let alone an entire group of people - get so excited over a sofa. Or over any piece of furniture. They all pile on like a bunch of overeager puppies - not cute ones, either. I started to wonder if perhaps some of these women were homeless before coming on the show (“The Bachelor - three hots, a cot, and pubic lice.”). If not, they will likely be once they get kicked off of the show, as most of these women gave up their jobs for filthy serial killer/man-child Ben.
The Southern girl with the ruddy, alcoholic face gets the first date of the trip. She expresses how sad she’ll be if she gets sent home. Duh. I feel like they must just give these women a teleprompter to read from - they all say the same things, and I doubt most of them are capable of stringing together a coherent sentence independently. The date starts out in a helicopter. Surprise. I read some interview with Ben over the course of the past week where he mentioned that someone told him he needed to bring back helicopter dates, “…like on the ‘old school’ Bachelor episodes.” As if this show has been on since the 1970s. I know the attention spans of the individuals on this show are so short that it might seem as though the show has been around that long, but it really, really has not. In any case - Ben, mission accomplished. You have brought back helicopters in a big way.
Once they exit the helicopter, it promptly starts raining. I was so relieved that Ben had another wet hair moment to help me temporarily forget how slimy his hair is. Ben explains that they had an exciting date of “walking around” planned, but that his grand plans have been ruined by the rain. And the fact that they’re apparently being chased by a cat. Ben then states that you can’t travel without something going wrong. Which might explain why this show is such an epic failure. Perhaps if they weren’t always traveling, one Bachelor would actually have a successful relationship.
Ben and the Southern alcoholic then decide to buy new clothing so they don’t start to mildew (Ben’s hair is always in some state of partial mildew, so he really doesn’t need to let the stench get any worse). Ben says stupid things in Spanish and throws on an entirely white outfit. It looks like something your dad might pack to wear to the “fancy dinner” on your five-day-long Christmas vacation cruise to the Caribbean and Mexico. Meanwhile, the Southern alcoholic dons a tablecloth. They’re halfway to the most embarrassing family vacation portrait of all time. They then go sit and watch some people get married. Because that’s a totally normal first date. The Southern alcoholic begins having flashbacks of her previous marriage. She says that watching the wedding brings back “old feelings,” but then flip-flops and says it just increases her feelings for Ben. I’m pretty sure she’s drunk or that there are some kind of noxious chemicals in the fabric of her tablecloth dress that are going to her head.
The date closes out with
a glass a few bottles of wine on one of those incredibly exciting couches. Ben continues to try his hand at speaking in other languages. Somehow, calling wine “vino” was more upsetting than when he said things like, “It’s raining gatos.” The conversation takes an uncomfortable turn when the Southern alcoholic starts talking about how much she wants to be married again - because, obviously, her first marital failure presents many compelling reasons for Ben to give her the date rose and, later, make her his wife. Ben proves how out-of-touch he is with adult emotions when he asks, “How do you deal with divorce? Do you, like, go to counseling or something?” I felt like he was a child talking to his mom. As she gave her answer, his eyes completely glazed over and he began fiddling with his dirty hair, only furthering my impression that he has no idea what real emotions and/or adult problems are. Thankfully, we cut back to the house shortly after this moving chat.
The girl they pulled from Jerseylicious starts drunkenly whining about not going on a single one-on-one date. I’m thinking she’s the next pageant girl. Hooters begins reprimanding her, but I couldn’t really focus on what she was saying because her ridiculous nameplate necklace was so distracting. The next date card arrives. The clue has something to do with diamonds, and you can see all of the girls’ brains totally turn to mush after the word “diamonds” is read aloud. Hooters doesn’t get picked, and she expresses disappointment over not being able to show Ben her “fun” and “romantic” sides - i.e. her left and right breasts. But then I see her later on the date, so one of us clearly misunderstood the date card.
Back to this miserable one-on-one for a second. Ben tells the Southern alcoholic that it’s OK that she was married before because she was “young” - she seems legitimately shocked, as if she had never before considered this. As soon as the light bulb in her brain gets turned on though, Ben gives her the rose and it promptly turns off. They begin sloppily tonguing each others mouths, and I had to start fast forwarding.
Ah - preview for the date coming up after the commercial. So much screaming. My ears are bleeding. Some awful Honda commercial comes on where this girl is telling her boyfriend she wants a baby. Honda knows its target market. Well done. I almost forgot we had actually cut to commercial.
On to the next date. Ben waits for the ladies outside of some ramshackle baseball stadium to “play
with his balls a little ball.” The women make note of how there is no jewelry on this date. They also note that Puerto Rico is “known” for baseball and claim that having a baseball date in Puerto Rico is way better than doing something that involves diamonds. And my suspicions about a teleprompter are confirmed. Ben seems distracted at the beginning of the date by his hair and tight shorts. The women are distracted by each other’s neon attire and the attractive baseball player giving them “lessons” - I vote for them leaving Ben there and taking the baseball player home. His shirt says “Gigante” on it - like, hello… Then, O.M.G., Chris Harrison shows up. I think this is a first. I’m immediately so much happier. I think we should make him the next Bachelor. That is, until he reveals himself to be a catty bitch. He tells them, “We’re having this ah-mayyy-zing party, but half of you aren’t invited. Natch.” Ben agrees that this is an awesome, not-at-all drama-inducing idea. Chris then explains that one woman will play for both teams and thus will be guaranteed an invite to the super shibby beach party. As such, I was sure Ben would pick Nose Piercing. But, no. He picked Horsey. Hooters starts getting a little anxious and explains that she wants to win so badly she can taste it. I’m pretty sure she thinks “playing ball” has something to do with Ben’s groin area.
This game is, like, “CRAZY COMPETITIVE,” says the girl who’s now spoken for about 34 seconds on the show. I mean, obviously it’s, like, super intense because the girls have eye black on their faces. You know they wouldn’t mess up their makeup if it wasn’t for
hardcore competition true love. Ben looks even more like a man-child in his baseball outfit, as if he’s attempting to recreate the poster for the movie Jack. It isn’t even fitted or sexy. It’s just loose and baggy and unappealing, like he bought it from a costume store that only had a size XL. Kacie B. starts to get a little wound up, and her crazy starts to reveal itself. She starts screaming “Bitches!” as mascara and eye black run down her cheeks. The baseball started getting really boring - I can’t watch more than a couple of innings of real baseball on TV, so I was definitely not committing myself to 25 minutes of Bachelor baseball. Especially when these women are talking about things like “the agony of defeat” and Ben compares the Blue Team’s loss to losing the World Series.
When her team loses, Hooters starts crying and says, “It sucks that I’m feeling so strongly for someone that I’ve only spent a small amount of time with.” No, dear, that doesn’t “suck.” It’s just an ill-advised decision that makes you look deranged. Several women make mention, through their tears, of how “precious” time with Ben is, and I just wish that one of them would use her “precious, precious time with him” to give him a bath. And not in a sexy way, either (not trying to give Courtney more ideas).
Oh my god, I’m not even halfway through this episode.
The “romantic” half group date gets underway. Courtney has a moment where she seems genuinely nice as she describes how beautiful the setting is - but then she immediately switches back to bitchiness when she mocks the “losers” and imitates them crying on the bus ride home. Really? A bus? That’s just absurd. I know Puerto Rico might not be the most luxurious place, but I think ABC could have sent the girls home in something nicer than a prison bus. I actually think there were bars on the windows. Though in about three episodes, ABC will probably need to cart a girl, or multiple girls, off to
the asylum jail in a bus like that. Hopefully after said girl(s) hack Courtney up with a machete. Courtney starts talking about girls being “annoying,” “hot messes.” Homegirl, please. Until you keep your mouth closed for five minutes and tweeze your eyebrows, you’re going to have to decide if you want to be the pot or the kettle.
Ben and Kacie B. have some alone time. Ben describes his former relationships as being “interesting.” Like a bad dye job. Or an unfortunate Christmas sweater. Meanwhile, the “losers” go home and whine a lot. The PhD student looks like she’s about to vomit as she says, “So, we’re back here to hang out with….you guys.” Kacie B. gets interviewed about connecting with Ben on a “serious” level. Because hearing about his “interesting” prior relationships is, like, so deep. Sorry, sweetie, but your talk was not nearly as serious as your Jheri curl. Ben gives her the date rose because she “listens” to him - i.e. her brain doesn’t work fast enough for her to be an active participant in the conversation.
Courtney gets all pissy, of course, and says Ben needs a “woman,” not a “girl” like Kacie B. And she’s probably right. He clearly needs a Mommy. Because he’s approximately 12-years-old. So she takes him for a walk on the beach. In her acrylic heels. Yes, this is the girl who had the audacity to describe Hooters as a “stripper” during the baseball game. Annnnnd here comes the skinny dipping we’ve all been waiting for. The music leading up to this moment was incredible. Very intense. Oh wait. Nevermind. Ben pusses out - for now. But we do get some Courtney side-boob action. Gross.
Anyway, the date ends and Jerseylicious gets the next one-on-one. I’m bored already. Who is this girl? Did she just come back from a one-night-stand with The Situation? Also, why is she crying? Why did she give up her job to be here? I’m so disgusted. Fast forward. She has really ugly luggage, by the way.
My DVR totally crapped out at this point. It began to shuffle through the remainder of the episode like a sign from the heavens that I should not be watching The Bachelor.
Unfortunately Thankfully, however, it was available online by the time I made it this far. But I was really tired. So I fast forwarded through most of the rest.
The date with Jerseylicious looked super boring. And, for the first time, a girl does not receive the one-on-one date rose. That’s right. Jerseylicious gets sent home. She acts surprised, but really, if Ben doesn’t give you any one-on-one time until Episode 5, you have to know he really does not give a shit about you. But keep telling yourself you’re “successful” when you go home and have no job. No wonder they showed us a close-up of her ugly, quilted luggage earlier…
When Ben returns home from his date, there’s Courtney creepily waiting for him outside of his hotel room. Which will be similar to what she does before she bludgeons him to death. Unsurprisingly, Ben doesn’t really take her creepiness poorly and, in fact, finally agrees to go skinny dipping with her. I’m sure they played just-the-tip and paintbrush. I was so disgusted by this encounter that I had to fast forward to the rose ceremony.
Courtney has some scary, Cruel Intentions slash Bad Girls Club-like comments (“You better check yourself, bitch.”). The PhD student continues to defy logic and lessons from all the prior Bachelor seasons by ragging on Courtney right to Ben’s face (like, hello dumb-dumb, he just got it in with her, he is not going to listen to you). But she doesn’t get kicked off. Shockingly, the accountant does. In my opinion, she was the only one who seemed to really like Ben and not just the idea of “winning,” (except for maybe Kacie B.) and they seemed to have chemistry and fun together (relatively speaking) even if she was a little weird and awkward at times. But Ben clearly has no idea what’s good for him. I mean, he proposed to Ashley.
The end. I’m off to find a tub of cookie dough and a tranquilizer gun.
P.S. Is anyone surprised by the title of this recap? That was probably the second best Bachelor quote ever.
P.P.S. Ben writes a travel guide on ABC’s website. No joke.